M*A*S*H

A little shrapnel to remove. No problem.

Just missed your tattoo. "Gloria," huh?

That's funny. You don't look like a Gloria.

Come on. I gotta keep this! I gotta keep my bag!

Leave my bag!

Come on! Leave my bag alone! I gotta keep it with me!

Hey, you've got a nasty shoulder wound.

It's gonna require surgery.

I must insist that you check your luggage at the door.

Come on. It's all right. Well, okay.

But I gotta have it back as soon as I'm done.

If you'd like, I'll insure it with Lloyd's of London.

Thompson? Fine.

I'm freezin'. It's okay.

Keep him on fluids and plasma.

Type and crossmatch him. Yes, doctor.

What's up? Transfusion reaction.

While you're at it, check that stuff,

see if it is what it says it is.

You want help with the leg? It's under control.

Corporal Levin? Yes?

Looks like the blood they sent you down with

from Battalion Aid doesn't quite agree with you.

But don't worry about a thing. Before we put you on the table,

we'll set you up with a bottle of our finest red.

Okay. Let's get him out of here.

Is this too tight? No, that's fine.

You're in good hands, Mathes.

She used to be fashion coordinator to King Tut.

Hey, that joke is 4,000 years old.

At least give it a smirk of respect.

There. DDon't stop there.

Cover that whole tattoo.

I don't ever want to see it again.

That's no way to treat a lady.

I just got a Dear John letter.

The only thing I got left of Gloria is her name on my arm.

Dear John letters are another painful part of war.

It happens a lot.

Well, not like this. Listen.

"I'm engaged to Rob Webster.

"I doubt you know him,

"but perhaps you've heard of his family.

"They own the bank.

"I'm sure you can understand why it would be best

"if prominent people like that didn't know

"about my relationship with you.

"If you really do care for me,

you won't mind sending back my picture. "

Well, isn't she one for the money?

What a scheming little social climber.

You can't really blame her. I mean, I am a nobody.

That little hussy's the nobody.

You're a brave young man fighting for your country.

Nice try, Major.

I must have been nuts to think she'd wait for me.

Hey, take it from old love'emandlose'em.

You'll soon forget what'shername.

Listen to this man. He's a doctor.

Margaret, can I see you a minute?

Be right there.

Uh, anything else?

Yeah, monitor his funny bone for any signs of mending.

I think we've sorted out Levin's transfusion confusion.

What was it?

If a guy's got Bpositive blood,

it'd be nice if his dog tags didn't say Apositive.

A mistake on his dog tags?

Sort of a blood typo.

Didn't you know they were wrong?

No, ma'am. Don't worry about it.

Most guys don't know they have a blood type

till they see these things. Yeah, that's it.

So, Margaret, we have a decision.

Either we get Levin new tags

or we drain him and refill his body with Apositive.

We'd better get those new tags before you go back on the line.

No, I'm not going back there. Oh?

I mean, I'm, uh, goin' home in two weeks.

I got my orders in my wallet.

You lucky devil. Wow!

All the same, we better have ICorps

do a rewrite on those dog tags.

Major. Major.

Well, Corporal Rice, how's that shoulder doing?

Can I have my field pack?

It's impolite

to answer a question with a question.

I believe I asked about your shoulder.

It's fine. Now, please, give me the bag.

Gently, gently. You're gonna rip your sutures.

Just, uh, what is in that sack?

Your key to security. I beg your pardon?

The name's Alvin Rice of Whedon, Webber and Dunsmuir,

investment counseling and mutual funds.

Mutual funds, eh? Have you thought about your future?

You'd be surprised how many G .I. s in your position haven't.

My good man, I'm not a G.I. I'm an M. D.

M.D., G.I. It's all OK.

As I always say,

if opportunity knocks but once,

go to bed with your pants on.

Are you having a bad reaction to your medicine?

Listen, doc,

back in Kansas City, I was on my way to being

Whedon Webber's salesman of the year

when my guard unit got activated.

But, as I always say, a rose in a minefield is still a rose.

Just step lively.

Now, if you've got a family,

I'd recommend a growth fund.

Not... just now. Save your strength.

Try to get some rest before the market opens.

Save that.

If they had to foul up a guy's dog tags,

why couldn't it have been his name?

Nobody ever died from getting the wrong mail.

With the exception of draft notices.

Sounds like the army could use a lesson in administration

from one Corporal Rice

of the firm Whedon, Webber and Who Cares.

That guy's a real cutie.

He's got his arm in a sling,

and he's twisting everybody else's.

He tried to sell me something

called Security Fidelity Fund.

I just don't trust that name.

I suppose one should admire his spunk and originality,

but what kind of an idiot would invest

hardearned capital with a footslogger?

I just made

one of the smartest decisions of my entire life.

Any of you fellows familiar with Security Fidelity Fund?

Margaret, friend and client to the footslogger.

You didn't really buy anything from that guy?

Sixty shares. Why?

Is anything wrong with Security Fidelity?

Margaret, you should know better than anyone.

There is no security in fidelity.

Go ahead, laugh now.

But we'll see who laughs last

when I'm sitting pretty on Easy Street.

One thing I know,

if opportunity knocks but once,

you better go to bed with your pants on.

I better go and change. I'd be mortified

to meet opportunity dressed like this.

You think you're the only one who wants to be rich?

Well, I hate to scoff and run,

but I gotta get to postop.

Is there anything I should know?

No, everything was fine when I left,

but I'm sort of worried about Jim Mathes.

He's still so depressed over that little gold digger.

You're really concerned about him, huh?

Call me an old softy,

but I think that woman ought to be tarred and feathered.

Gee, Margaret, you're beautiful when you're vicious.

Somebody ought to do something

to even the score with that scheming witch.

Quiet, Mrs. De Sade. I'm thinking.

Corporal Levin?

I'm sorry, Father. What is it?

Just thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm the chaplain here, Father Mulcahy.

I understand you're Jewish.

Yeah, that's that's right.

I thought you'd like to know I do a wide range of services.

I'll be happy to accommodate you.

Are you Orthodox, Conservative or Reform?

I'mI'm sorry? What form of Judaism do you observe?

Oh, um, uh, Orthodox. Ah. Orthodox.

I think I should warn you, my Hebrew's a little rusty

but it gets the point across.

And I can promise you

a proper Sabbath service.

Now, where did I put that yarmulke?

Uh, Father, thanks a lot, but I'mI'm really

I'm not that religious. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said you were Orthodox.

Oh, I am. I mean, my family is.

II haven't really kept up.

Ah, I understand perfectly.

I saw The Jazz Singer.

Hey, Levin. I gotta talk to you. Oh, uh, excuse me.

I hope I'm not interrupting a fatherly chat.

No, no, no, no. We were finished.

If you need anything, just let me know.

Shalom.

Levin, there's a problem with your clothes.

We sent all the uniforms to be cleaned,

but yours didn't come back. Oh, yeah?

Well, we got one left over that's about your size,

but it's got somebody else's laundry mark.

Oh, that's gotta be mine.

Uh, up on the line we always swap clothes.

Hey, me too!

I used to swap with the nurses.

That's another story. When you're ready to go,

there'll be a uniform without your name on it.