Workaholics

Oh, heads up, Jillian. Coffee is for closers.

Well, I don't even drink coffee.

Mm, well, actually, sweetheart, bagels--

also for closers.

Mmm. That's not very good.

Sugar-free vanilla creamer, also for--

I'm sorry, I don't remember your name,

but I think you know what I was about to say,

and the word is "closers."

All right, everyone, come and have a seat, please.

- It's for closers. - Yeah, we're closers, so...

All right, everyone, we have a very special guest today.

Let me introduce Sigourney.

- Thank you, Alice. - You're welcome.

Hi, everybody. I'm Sigourney Goulet.

Most of you know me as the product rep from MenCo.

For years, we've had products such as...

men's intimacy endurance spray.

Well, we are going to just throw all of that in the trash...

Because today we're no longer MenCo.

We are now...

- FemCo! - Huh?

The future leaders in feminine retail.

That's right, ladies, huh?

And the very first product that we're gonna bring to market

is the Boobillow.

The Boobillow is an ergonomic wedge-shaped pillow

that allows very large-breasted women

to sleep comfortably on their stomachs.

Yes?

Hi, um, question--

- just to be clear... - Yes.

So you're telling us we are allowed to call women

and talk to them about their breasts?

Well, yes, but when dealing with a sensitive subject--

Cool!

We finally get to talk titties at work.

- All right! - Yeah, baby!

- Dude, I'm gonna call my dad. - You got to. You have to.

I'm gonna try to contact my father.

- 06x04 - "Death of a Salesdude"

Dudes, dudes, dudes, check it out.

I got a girl on here who wants to buy two Boobillows--

One for her and one for her sister with back issues.

Hey, that lady's back issue is giving me a front issue

that's gonna require a ton of tissue.

- I get it. Like ejaculation. - Yeah, to clean up.

Oh, dude, that is funny, dude!

Yes, um, what size are your breasts?

Are we talking kumquats or grapefruits?

And be honest. You're on speakerphone.

- Hello? - Hello?

What you working with, girl?

Okay, I think I lost her.

Lost another one!

We're gonna lose many more.

Oh, I thought it was gonna break.

Oh, man, yesterday was so frickin' awesome, right?

- Yeah. - I love my job.

I love my life, and dare I say I love my friends?

Oh, man, I love you right back.

Dude, I got a girl's number yesterday.

- What? - Yeah, from my list of leads.

- But you got it. - Yeah, and I texted it.

And now it's just a waiting game.

Hey, guys, over here...

now.

Well...

You guys were all terrible yesterday--

awkward, creepy, and with total sales of zero.

Luckily, all the saleswomen in the office killed it.

So that's why I'm transferring more women

from other departments to take over your call lists.

First they take "Ghostbusters," now our phones?

Okay, Alice, what are we supposed to do, then, huh?

From this point on, all men are support staff.

Okay, well, she's lucky I don't have my bo staff.

I'm sorry. What was that?

- Nothing. - Yeah.

I'm sure--he was-- what you were trying to say was,

like, if these were guy-centric products, right,

we'd be selling the crap out of them, Alice.

It's just this stuff, we don't--

- Can I have one moment? - No.

- Just give me one moment. - No--Don't touch me. Fine.

- Just give me one moment. - Ugh.

I just want a moment. We just want one moment.

What moment are we doing?

- We're gonna do... - We're doing that?

Yes, it's fine.

Premature ejaculation

is the number-one problem facing the American penis today.

But with the male intimacy endurance spray,

just spritz your member four times...

Close it down. Get underneath.

And I guess it'll take a few seconds to kick in.

- He just touched his ding-dong. - Ticktock, ticktock.

Adam, go ahead and kick me in the dads.

- It's show-and-tell, baby. - Really?

Yeah, man, we're selling these people.

MenCo.

Ow, you spit your gum.

That was awesome. That was cool.

Another satisfied customer.

I'd like to give it a shot.

I'm left-handed.

And I'm all good. I'm fine.

Dragon Punch! Dragon Punch!

Whoa.

Whoa, did you time out that ding?

No, I think somebody got a text.

- That was incredible! - Put them on vibrate, please.

Yeah, put them on vibrate. This is a presentation.

So do you want us to get on the phones now or...?

No. But I am going to sleep better at night,

knowing that you can't have children now.

Ooh.

Okay, Alice.

Hello. Excuse me.

I need my first cup of coffee ever, immediately.

Blake, you heard her. Go get some coffee.

Are we gonna get those leads anytime soon?

Go fetch, Stretch. Move it.

Okay, Alice, hey, real quick,

I know that Jillian is on the phones now,

so you will need a new assistant, right?

You know what? Fine. I will think about it.

But for now, you're a floater.

Ew. Was that a poop joke?

No, of course not.

Okay, good, 'cause just know that I hate poop jokes.

All right, this is working out great so far.

Hey, gals, check out my new assistant.

Oh, hey, uh, is it garbage day?

'cause, uh, it looks like someone took the junk

out of your pants.

But, hey, peep that caboose.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Whoopsy-daisy. Could you get it for me, Blake?

- Of course. Of course. - Thanks, Blake.

Ooh. Okay, turn, so I can see.

Turn, turn, yeah. Turn-- And pivot.

- Oh, yeah. - That's where it's at.

Lower.

Excuse me?

- Lower. - Yeah.

- And now in. - In?

Yeah. In, but down.

No, no, no, spread the legs more.

- Spread as much as you can. - I'm-- Yeah, that's about--

And now just-- And now just it.

- Okay. - Now just the ground.

- Okay. - Pop it! Pop it!

Pop it and dip it in! In! In!

In!

I'm done. - What?

- You can leave now. - All right, sorry.

Hello, ladies, got some hot, fresh leads for you.

Oh, yeah, for us?

'cause we do your job now, right?

Anyway, if you guys ever wanted any pointers, sisters,

feel free to bend my ear, and--

Oh, please enlighten us.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Make a sa-- Oh, cool, yeah.

- I'll make a sale. Yeah, I mean-- - Oh, yeah, come on.

Yeah, I want to see that. See what you got.

- Watch how it's done. - We haven't been able to.

Yeah, okay, can I call Marcia? Is that cool?

Yeah, Marcia's next.

I'm actually not getting a dial tone.

That's weird.

Could be because you're not a salesman, bitch.

Now get!

- You didn't even plug it in? - No, it wasn't plugged in.

Good afternoon, ladies!

Chocolate for you, chocolate for you.

Sorry about the new attire.

I spilled a little coffee on myself.

Had to borrow a spare from my main man, Rob.

Ooh!

Hey, just let me know if you need anything from me

using my strength or my muscles.

- Fresh mail. Hot off the boat. - Thank you.

Hey, I know what you're thinking--

"Is this guy Alice Murphy assistant material?"

Well, I'm about to prove to you that I would.

Excuse me, sales angels!

I've arranged a special beef tenderloin lunch

that I will be serving myself in the break room at noon.

Who's hungry? Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

If you feed 'em at work, they won't take an hour for lunch.

Oh, I never suspected you had a brain.

I just want to use my muscles and my mind

and open up shop right here and be your number-one guy,