Man with a Plan

So, you guys have a big anniversary coming up, huh?

Yup. 20 years.

- 20 years with Don. - Yeah.

That is hard time.

You know, you might want

to get her something more romantic

than last year's Chipotle gift card.

It was $19... a dollar a year.

It's not about how much he spends on me.

That's my girl.

It's about finding a gift that's thoughtful,

meaningful, that shows how well he knows me.

Oh, so you want disappointment for your anniversary.

Hey.

Mom, can we go to the mall tomorrow?

I found the perfect outfit for Saturday night.

Oh, what's, uh... what's Saturday night?

My first date.

What?

Um, actually, honey,

I-I haven't really discussed that with your dad, yet.

Oh. (laughs)

Just remember, Daddy, you're my hero.

Buckle up, baby.

Katie has a date Saturday night?

When were you planning on telling me about this?

Sunday morning.

We agreed she was not gonna date until she's 35.

No, you just said that one day after we watched Teen Mom.

She's almost 14. Most of her friends

have been dating for months.

This is when it starts.

I was 13 when I first went out with Don.

- Mm-hmm. - You hear that?

Marcy could have been somebody.

Come on, it's not like I'm making her a child bride.

She's just going out with that nice boy from her class... Royce.

Royce? Royce... with all the hair and the wallet on a chain?

What's a 13-year-old kid need a wallet for anyway?

Condoms.

Don!

No, he's right.

You know, I've seen that Royce kid around.

He's a player.

And you know this because?

Andi. Who are you talking to?

Huh?

I was 14 once. I know the game.

Right? You give the gals a little bit of this,

a little bit of that,

and all the red lights turn green!

Oh, my God. (laughs)

Trust me.

I can spot my own kind.

- Yeah, we players know players. - Mm-hmm.

Well, look, you're being protective, all right?

And-and I love that about you, but we both know

that you are not gonna like anyone she dates.

No. No, that's not it.

My instincts are telling me that this kid is no good.

And I don't want Katie dating him.

Okay, well, I already told her that she could.

If it makes you feel any better, I-I can...

I can do a little of this. Huh?

And a little bit of that.

That's not how you do it.

Okay, and you can't just make a unilateral decision.

We discuss things in this family.

Well, yes, usually, but, you know, I knew you'd say no,

and then, I'd veto your no, so then I just thought, hey,

why not just cut out the middle man?

Okay, well, first of all (blows raspberry)

I'm not the middle man.

Okay?

I am the man.

And second of all, if you're going to unilaterally

decide she can go, then I'm going to unilaterally

decide that your decision

is caca.

Oh, don't you remember Romeo and Juliet?

If you don't give your daughter the freedom to date

who she wants, it does not end well.

Oh. Well, don't you remember those Taken movies?

That's what happens when you give your daughter freedom.

Taken, Andi. One, two, three times they get taken.

Mwah. Okay, bye, guys. In you go.

Bye, Daddy.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye-bye.

Hey, Royce.

- What's up, girl? - (laughs)

You see that? He called her "girl."

She has a name, Royce!

Yeah, it's Kate. Sometimes Katie.

- Ah, guys like that never listen to me. - Yeah.

- Hey, uh, Mrs. Rodriguez? - Mm?

Um, what do you know about that kid Royce

that's always hanging around Katie?

Oh, he's one of my favorites.

He's an honor roll student,

started his own dog-walking company,

even works weekends at the mall.

Oh, I see, huh? He charmed you, too, huh?

What'd he do, give you a little bit of this

little bit of that?

Stop that. What is that?

There's children here, for God sakes.

I'm telling you, I have got

a gut feeling that this kid is no good. I just need proof.

So what's the plan, chief?

Well, first, keep calling me "chief." I like that.

Ooh, okay.

These kids put everything they do on the Internet.

- Maybe we can find something on him there. - Oh, I'm your man.

If there is dirty laundry about Royce online, I'll find it.

I'm like Russia,

- but with the easy grace of France. - Oh.

Well, I'm like America, so let's go get a burger

and stick our noses where they don't belong.

Okay.

I managed to uncover Royce's public Instagram page.

Lowell, I could have done that.

But then we wouldn't be on this buddy adventure.

Oh, look at this.

Every picture, he's with a different girl.

I knew Royce was a dog. I got to show this to Andi.

Oh, that's my comput... okay, it's fine!

You know, I just realized we've never been alone together.

You're an odd bird, aren't you?

I have feelings, if that's what you're getting at.

Great, because I have a question for somebody who has feelings.

My anniversary is coming up, and I have a gift in mind for Marcy.

Let me run it by you.

Oh, I'm great at finding the perfect gift.

Hit me with it.

A dirt bike.

Why would you get Marcy a dirt bike?

Ah. Because secretly, I want a dirt bike.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

- Uh-huh, uh huh. - Ah?

Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?

I don't wear much jewelry.

For Marcy!

- Oh. - Let-Let's think about her.

What does Marcy mean to you?

She's the mother of my son and the love of my life.

Good! And when you think of her, you feel?

Guilty.

Something nice.

Horny?

Dear God.

What other feelings are there?

Nope. That's all of them.

Whose computer is this?

Will you pay attention?

Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.

Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.

Royce between two half-naked girls.

- They're on a beach. - (scoffs)

Read the hashtags. #SavingaBeachedWhale.

What a weirdo!

Adam, you're grasping at straws now.

I'm telling you,

I have looked in this kid's eyes, and they are black,

like a shark looking for dinner.

And Katie's just like some cute seal

flopping around on the beach. with her mom telling her,

"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."

He is gonna break her heart,

and I'm not gonna sit back and watch it happen.

Okay but you can't just go out on your own

and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.

Oh, really?

It sounds to me like you wish we had discussed it first.

Yeah.

Well, I knew you'd say no,

and then I'd veto your no,

so I thought, hey, why not cut out the middle man?

Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?

Okay, first of all, I am not the middle man.

I'm the wife.

Which means I can stay mad

a lot longer than you can.

And I have made the unilateral decision

that, mm, you need to stay out of this.

Well, then, I just made the unilateral decision

that I'm not gonna do what you say.

Yes, you will.

Whose computer is this?

Okay.

Royce should be here any minute.

Mrs. Rodriguez told me he had a dog-walking company,

so I booked an appointment online to get him to come over.

You know, scare him a little,

show him the kind of dad he'll be dealing with.

Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?

Yeah, well, she's not in charge.

And more importantly, she's not here.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Just back me up, all right?

Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?