Mum

Are they OK?

OK... They're shouting in the street.

At least someone's having a worse New Year's Eve than me.

- Pauline... - What's going on? - Jason and Kelly are having an argument.

They were meant to be seeing the new year in at the pub,

- but they've come home. - I don't know why he doesn't just thump her.

- Reg! - Not hard. Just a little whack.

- Just enough to shut her up. - Reg, stop it, that's awful.

- Well... - If it was up to me,

I tell you now, Cathy, I'd love to have sex with a black man.

That's got nothing to do with anything anyone's talking about.

I would. I'd relish the opportunity.

No, Maureen, it's Jason and Kelly. They're outside having an argument.

- Yeah, I know! - We're not talking about sex!

- I am! - Kelly's mum's here. - Oh, she's not, is she?

- You all right, darling? - Yes.

- Do you think you might be more comfortable on the sofa? - I'm fine.

- Or a nice Jew. - How much have you drunk?

Well, I'm just saying, before I die I'd like to have sex

- with a black man and a Jew! - It's Jason and Kelly!

- Yeah, I know! - We're not talking about black people or Jewish people

- or anything like that! - I know!

- But I've never had sex with one! - Good! You'd eat him alive.

- Oh, shut up. - Like the Jews haven't got enough to worry about

- without you trying to sleep with them. - More sherry, Reg?

Just a drop, Cathy. Don't go mad.

Are you kidding me?

Why are you having a go at me?

You're being racist.

I'm saying I want to make love to them!

Yes, we've heard! Thank you.

Kelly! Come back, I'm only joking. Kell!

Stop being a drama queen!

Look at the face, Jason! Jason! Look at her stupid face...

You don't have to be so stupid all your life, Kell!

- Seriously, babe! - Just tell me what I've said, Kelly!

I got my ticket for the wrong way round

Two bottle whiskey for the way

And I sure would like some sweet company

Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

- When I'm gone - When I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me by my hair

You're gonna miss me everywhere

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I got my ticket for the long way round

The one with the prettiest view

It's got mountains, it's got rivers

It's got woods that'll give you shivers

But it sure would be prettier with you

- When I'm gone - When I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

I can't believe I've upset her.

The one thing you have to remember about women, Jason,

- is that they are all despicable. - Oh, come on, Grandad.

Women are the same as men, if not better.

Yeah. They're little angels. - Yeah. - Mm.

You should see your grandmother in the shower.

That'd burst your bubble.

What?

I love New Year's Eve.

I've been looking forward to it for... Well, for just under a year.

And now look at me.

Do you want to talk about it, love?

I've just been texting my friend, Mary?

The one I met from carol-singing?

Oh, yeah. What does she say?

Well, she's nice and she listens,

but then she just goes on about the New Testament.

- Have you read it? - Not really.

She made me read it.

Poor Jesus.

What a way to go.

Do you know which woman I've always liked? Fergie. Sarah Ferguson.

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell.

And her kids.

She's really... deep.

She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night.

She's very down to earth.

- You read her books? - No. Are they good?

Oh, they're bloody brilliant.

And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. I mean, it's Jason,

isn't it? He wouldn't cheat on anyone, not even me.

- You know he said he didn't get that job in Australia? - Yeah.

He was telling this girl he did.

- He was just boasting, love. - No.

He was telling her all about it,

saying he's going to move there in February.

- Do you need to answer it? Sorry. - No. I'm sure someone will get it.

- Sorry, my hands are all covered in chicken. - I'll get it.

- I want to hear about this budgie. - No, Reg. He's a helicopter.

But he just happens to be called Budgie.

My God, she's clever.

Answer it. Go on. Don't worry about me.

- I need to reply to Mary. - No, I'm sure someone will let them in.

- I should probably go down. - Yeah.

Look who I found in the gutter!

Can I make myself a tea, Cathy? If I can work out which tin it's in!

Hello, Michael. Everything OK with your mum?

- Yes... - He stuck a pillow in her face. Put her out of her misery.

How did she know?

Do you know where the tea's kept?

Pauline, babe. Do you know where the tea's kept?

Er... there's a pot somewhere with "tea" written on it.

Yeah. Exactly.

So, how was Christmas?

Yeah, it was quiet, yeah. We had Reg and Maureen for lunch.

- I bet that was nice. - Michael...

- How was yours? - Yeah. It was nice to have the girls together.

Less nice to see Abi.

- New shoes? - Yeah.

- The girls got me them. - Ah.

And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them?

Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan?

Oh, and Maureen... you'll like this...

she wants to have sex with a black man.

- Where did that come from? - Nowhere.

Had nothing to do with anything that anyone was saying about anything.

She just came out with it. - Any black man in particular? - Nope.

- Lovely. - Oh, erm... - Cathy...

Cathy, can I get the code for your wifi?

Erm, I was just about to make some tea for Maureen so...

There's some pretty influential people trying to contact me

so it's rather more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch.

Right.

Me and Geoff's New Year's Eve parties were legendary.

In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter brunch,

they were still going on about my blinis.

Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you.

No, it won't. I know it won't.

I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously.

They'll leave as soon as they've eaten.

The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE.

- Wow! What did she get that for? - Oh, please.

If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE?

Come on. It's not even an OBE.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think where I've put that little card

- with the wifi code on it. - Don't be sorry, Cathy.

Thanks.

Just be quicker.

- One year at midnight, we all ended up in the pool. - No!

Oh, yeah. They threw me in!

You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you.

- She's not speaking to you, Reg. - Right. Sorry. As you were.

I used to have a swimming pool.

A swimming pool? What do you do in it?

- Swim. - Where?

- To the end. - Then what?

Back again.

What a fucking waste of time.

When my divorce settlement comes through,

I'll be able to afford 34 swimming pools.

I'm sure they're all texting you, sweetie, wondering where you are.

Yes, I know and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know.

I'm not bothered, anyway.

- I've heard it's prosecco this year, rather than champagne. - God...!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

- Small J. - How small?

Er...

The smallest one you've got.

- Go on. - Seven.

- Seven? - Yep.

- The number or the word, Cathy? - The number.

- And a capital P. - Thank you.

They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they?

- Have you tried refreshing... - I don't need your help.

Oh, wow, Michael!

Just some bits and pieces for the family.

Just to say happy Christmas.

Oh, lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes.

No, thanks, that's really kind of you.

- Erm... - Michael!

Michael! Come here

before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum!

- Right, I'd better... - Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, Michael, do you know where the tea's kept?

Cathy? Cathy?

Can I take this for the cats?

- Is Kelly all right? - Quick, it's dripping.

Not really, love. I think you should go and talk to her.

- Yeah. Probably. - Cathy!

People might want some, Reg. It's the nice one, it was expensive.

Good. They'll like that.

- Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning. - I am!

Has she got any roll mops?

- Yeah, it's right next to my bed. - OK.

- Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow. - Very nice.

So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything.

I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke.

Very nice.

I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime.

- Nice shoes. - Thanks.

Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom.

We had a little woman with a limp. We got her over on a coach

from Gdansk and we just used to ring a bell and she'd get us things.

There you are. Has anyone been in touch?

No, not yet, but it's fine.

I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so... I'm sure they'll text

in the morning and tell me how bad it was without me