In Living Color

Hi. I'm JoeJackson.

Now, with my son Michael out the country, who am I supposed to borrow money from... Tito?

I don't think so.

I need to maintain my high style of living.

That's why we're having the Never Neverland sale.

You'll never find a bargain like these. Everything gotta go.

Come on, boy. Bring your behind.

Now, take this llama, for instance.

This little beauty costs thousands of dollars in a big city zoo.

But, see, down here at the Never Neverland...

you can walk it off the lot for just 99.99.

That's right, 99.99.

Fur's so soft you could ride 'im butt naked! Michael did!

Get that out my face now!

Come on, boy. Bring your behind. Come on.

Need blank videotapes? We literally have thousands.

These home videos had to be bulk erased to avoid prosecution...

and now we pass the savings on to you.

Go on now!

And while you're watching your home movies, how about some popcorn?

The Elephant Man's skull makes a great popcorn bowl!

"I am not an animal!"

Come on, Marlon, bring me that box, man!

How about some children's clothes?

These used to belong to Michael's little monkey named Bubbles.

But he's dead and this stuff is priced to move.

Look at these cute overalls. Look at this here sweater.

Look at this cute little pair of satin underdrawers...

Wait a minute. These are La Toya's.

Now, go on, get out of here. Go on!

Come on, boy. Come on, come on, come on.

You got a skin problem? No problem.

We got cases and cases of fade cream.

Also great for removing birthmarks and incriminating moles.

Look here.

Are you havin' trouble sleeping?

Check out this hyperbaric sleeping chamber.

No reasonable offer will be turned down.

And it's got other uses, too.

Say you got a crazy daughter won't keep her damn mouth shut, writin' all them damn books.

Locks from the outside.

And it's soundproof too!

Get down here in the next 20 minutes and I'll throw in La Toya absolutely free.

Better hurry, 'cause 20 minutes of air is about all she's got left.

Get your hands off there, boy!

JoeJackson. He beats prices like he beats his kids.

Hey, did you hear who our substitute teacher was today?

Yeah, old D.A., the relief pitcher.

Great. We're gonna have some fun today. I heard his arm has no feeling in it.

Let's come to order.

Sorry I'm late.

Mrs. Bailey isn't feeling well today, so I'm going to be your substitute teacher.

My name is Mr. Armstrong.

Okay.

And that's spelled...

All right. Now, from her lesson plan, I see you were working on world geography.

Uh, right? Am I right? Yes, young man?

Mrs. Bailey usually writes the day of the week on the board as well.

Yeah, the day.

She always does that.

Ah. Well, I wouldn't want to break tradition.

Okay, uh...

All right!

Okay.

Mrs. Bailey also puts down what she had for breakfast as well.

- Yeah, breakfast! - She always does that.

Well, that's kinda strange.

Okay, well, I had some pancakes...

Hey, wait a minute.

You guys have to wake up pretty early to pull the wool over my eyes, buddy boy.

Now, let's get down to business. Okay?

We forgot the pledge of allegiance.

- - We always do it.

- You guys still do that, huh? - Yeah.!

Well, you come up and lead it then.

Okay, everybody, get ready. Put your left hand over your heart.

Ready?

Ready?

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey.

It's the right hand over the heart.

You little snot-nosed brat! Sit your butt down.

- You don't gotta twist my arm! -

Okay, who can tell me what you were doing in class yesterday?

Yesterday, Mrs. Bailey was pointing to locations on the map...

and we would have to guess what country it was.

We always do that.

Oh. Okay. All right.

Okay.

Okay, who can tell me what part of the world this is?

- Burbank! -

- No! - Is it the Dead Sea?

No. The Dead Sea is over here.

How about the North Pole?

Come on, everybody knows the North Pole's over here.

All right, settle down.

Mr. Armstrong, why do we have to study geography anyway?

Well, to understand more about wildlife.

Take that bullfrog, for instance. That comes from Africa.

- What bullfrog? - Where?

- Over there. -

Where?

Gimp!

I heard that, son.

Hey!

Sorry about that. Could you give me back that eraser, please?

I didn't say throw it! You kids are terrible!

- -

That's it! That's it, you little troublemakers.

I didn't want to have to show you this side of me, but you've forced my hand!

Hyah!

Okay, now, next time it'll be your heads.

Okay, now, turn to page 94 in your grammar books.

Yes, Mr. Armstrong.

And now a few minutes with Randy Rooney.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about stereotypes.

Did you ever notice how many there are about black people?

Take sports, for instance.

When a black man knows a little something about basketball, they call him a natural.

But when a white guy knows a little something about basketball...

they call him the owner of the team.

And how come white people are so anxious to have the heavyweight champ?

You know, a "Great White Hope."

What do white people need hope for?

They already have everything.

And why is it whenever something goes wrong, they call it black?

When the stock market crashed, it was Black Monday.

When you're kicked out of a place, you're blackballed.

And the worst disease ever was called the Black Plague.

And by the way, what would the White Plague be? Tennis elbow?

And did you ever notice when a white guy gets a good job, he gets a good line of credit?

But when a black guy gets a good job, he's "a credit to his race."

Try and buy a couch with that.

You know, it's not like there's not already enough credit cards out there today.

There's Visa, American Express, Discover.

Only thing I discovered is, I can't get one.

And what about Mastercard?

I guess I'm just a little too sensitive about the word "master."

When I go shopping, I want to think about picking out a shirt...

not picking cotton.

And did you ever notice that every store seems to have a white sale?

I guess it's a good thing they don't have a black sale.

Last one I heard of, Kunta Kinte was marked 20 percent off.

That's the police going by. They sure are a helpful bunch.

You know, their job is to protect and to serve.

But what they don't tell you is that usually they're protecting their identity...

while they're serving you up an ass-whuppin'.

And why do they paint those cars black and white?

I guess to match the passengers. Blacks in the back seat and whites in the front.

Now, that's not the rule. That's just another stereotype.

Like the one about black men being so well-endowed.

Well, maybe that's not such a good example.

This has been a few minutes of dissing with Randy Rooney.

Miss New Jersey, what would you do if crowned Miss 'Merica?

I would stop all the childrens from being hungry...

all over the wide world...

by being in parades and wearing a crown on my head.

Okay, Miss Paris, France, what about you?

- Ooh-la-la! I would also want to... -

- Hey, Deronda.! You up there? - No! Nobody's here!

- Then who is that talkin'? - My mother.

That ain't your mother. That's you, girl. You up there.!

What's the password?

Deronda Hightower didn't wet in her pants.

- She just spilled some lemonade on herself. - Okay.

Although nobody knows where she got a glass of lemonade from in math class.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Okay. Okay, okay. Let's play cops and rappers.

No, we're playing office.

- I don't like to play office. - How come?

Because I end up bein' the janitor.

I'll let you be chairman of the blackboard.

Okay, I can do that.

- I want a job. - Okay. What are your "qualications"?

I got a bachelor's decree and a master's decree and an N.B. A...

and I was an astronaut on the space "shuffle."

Good. You can type.

Wait a minute. I got more qualities than that man!

How come he gets to be a 'zecutive?

- 'Cause he got one of these! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, I'll type!

Type, type, type, type, type, type.

Child, you lookin' so good today.