Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language

'Springwatch starts on Sunday, 23rd May on BBC Two.'

Aw, for..

Hello?

- 'Hi, it's me.' - Oh, hello, me(!)

Listen, what about a short-sleeved shirt?

- What about it? - For your birthday!

How? Can you not afford one with long sleeves?

Eric, you need a short-sleeved shirt.

'Look, Beth, I told you - you don't have to bother.'

I don't want anything.

- Oh, they've got some nice linen ones. - I've got a linen shirt!

- What? That stripy one? - 'Uh-huh.' - No, that is horrendous!

- What's wrong with it? - You look like Jocky Wilson on safari!

Listen, I told you!

- I don't want anything! - Or a fleece!

- I don't... - 'Oh, or a body warmer?'

They've got reversible body warmers!

- And what am I going to do with one of them?! - Um, turn it inside out?

'Honestly, Beth, you don't need to worry. It's fine.'

The best present you can get me is

a bit of bloody peace and quiet - that'll do me!

I don't know why I bother, honestly! See you later.

Aye, see you later. No hurry. Take your time.

Ah...

'..Eggheads in 45 minutes.'

Oh, dear God! - 'But before that,

'another game of Pointless Celebrities.'

We've come to talk to you about the role of religion in your life.

Ha-ha!

It's funny you should say that.

I was just saying a wee prayer to myself on the way to the door.

Ha-ha!

Aw, are we interrupting you having your dinner?

- Well... - What are you having?

- Aw, just a shepherd's pie thing. - Aw, gads!

- I've no' long just had mine, in't that right, Cath? - Aye.

- Cooked him a steak. - She did.

- Ribeye! - It was beautiful!

Wee pool of blood round it.

I says to Catherine, she put it down,

"A good vet could get that back on its feet."

- Where's Beth? - Er, she's at the shops.

Aw, late-night shopping!

Why did she not say? I could've gone with her!

Eric...

- What's this? - Now, I know it's not till tomorrow, but that's from us.

- Happy birthday, Eric! - Oh.

- Oh? - Oh, sorry. - Ha-ha!

Och, you didn't need to, honestly!

We wanted to!

Well, SHE did. I'd forgotten all about it.

I always remember your birthday, Eric.

It's exactly nine days before the date we had the Alsatians put down.

Now, I know we usually get together on your birthday,

but this year, unfortunately, we can't.

Aw, that's a shame!

- We're away sailing tomorrow, aren't we, Col? - Sailing!

That's right.

In a boat.

On the sea!

On a boat. On the sea.

Oh, right, aye.

Well, it's very kind, but you shouldn't have bothered, honestly.

- Do you no want to see what it is?! - I kind of know what it is.

But do you now?

Could be anything in there!

Let's have a look.

What is it?

What's in the bag? Here, let me look.

Oh...

A beautiful bottle of wine.

Now, you'll enjoy that.

It's...it's kind of fruity, but it's no' too fruity.

It's smoky, but no' too smoky and it's woody, but...

Well, anyway, a glass of that, along with a tin of macaroni,

it's beautiful.

- Actually, I'm not drinking at the moment. - You...?

Say again?

- I'm off the drink. - You're not drinking? - No.

- You're not drinking ANYTHING? - No. - Not even a beer in the morning?

There's more calories in booze than there is in food.

You're not drinking ANYTHING?

My doctor said to try it.

I've lost three pounds already.

Really?!

And here's us bringing you a bottle of wine! Dear me!

Well, never mind. I mean, you can keep it for a special occasion,

- like a...like a celebration, can't he, Cath? - Aye.

Like when he starts drinking again.

Here, you get it, Eric. We'll sit down.

- Hiya, Dad. - Oh, it's you!

- Hello, Mr Baird! - Aye.

- We just came to drop this off. - Oh, right.

Oh, look who it is!

Hiya, Ian! Mwah! Hiya, Jaz! Mwah!

- Jaz, have you had your teeth whitened? - Er...

Come on! Come on through!

- Choo-choo! - I...

Aw, Jaz, you're so cuddly! Look at the two of you!

Two cuddly little gay things!

- We're not interrupting your dinner, are we? - No, no, you're all right.

Her mince is awfy salty.

Do you two want something to drink?

- You got a beer? - No. I've no got any beers.

- Aw, of course - you're off it. - Are you not drinking, Mr Baird?

- Not at the moment. - You've got wine, Eric!

- Wanting a wee glass of wine, Ian? - Aye, I'll take a glass of wine.

- Jaz? - No, I'm driving. - Are you sure? I've got some peppermints in my bag.

How many days has it been now, Mr Baird?

I've got an uncle that's in AA. He's doing really well.

He's not wet the bed in three years.

- Er, no, I'm just doing it to lose a bit of weight. - Course you are.

Go and get a bottle opener, Eric.

My liver thinks my throat's been cut.

Thanks, driver. As I say, a sad, sad day, but a lovely buffet.

In fact, if you'll take a tip from me,

you'll get yersel back down there.

There's going to be a lot of folk wanting taxis.

Maybe put some plastic doon in the back.

Single malts on top of a lot of pan bread, know what I mean?

- Right, Mum, come on. - Right you are, driver!

Right you are.

# In life and death, O Lord

What a lovely day!

That service was heartbreaking!

Did you see her on my left roaring and greeting into the hanky?

She seemed to settle quite quick

- when they pulled the foil aff that buffet, eh? - Aw, come on!

I'm getting gooseberries aff of that

and sort of vanilla tones, are you, Cath?

- Ah! Oh, yeah. - What about you, Ian? - It's all right, yeah, quite nice.

Eric, how's yours?

- Fizzy! - Did you I tell you - I gave up the drink once?

- Did you? - Aye. I felt great. - What made you start again?

I met Cathy.

- Ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha(!)

I always said that she had money. Apparently, that nephew of hers

- was round her like a sandfly. - Mum, please! - Heartless bastard!

And I will tell him that to his face when I'm down there tomorrow

picking up that gravy boat the sister promised me.

What time is it?

It's still early!

- Why don't we go and say a quick hello to Beth? - Aw, no!

Oh, she'll be desperate to see

that selfie you took of me with the hearse. Come on!

Are you sure you're not wanting a wee dribble, Jaz, yeah?

No, I can't. Honestly, I'm driving.

- Aw, get a taxi! - Och, leave him, Cath!

He can get a bit of Eric's Fanta. I tell you - they're like hawks,

- these police, when it comes to drink-driving. - Oh, they are.

I got stopped and breathalysed last year,

on the way back from the airport!

- Remember, when we'd been in Florida? - I remember. - Luckily,

I'd been refused alcohol on the plane, so I was just under. Phew!

Oh!

- Hello, Eric. - Christ, is it Halloween? Ha-ha!

We've been to a funeral, Eric.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's all right.

- It was a very emotional day, wasn't it, Sophie? - Yup.

- Still, it was her time. - Was it someone very close?

Aye, it was a cousin of my mother's.

The pair of them were like that, so they were!

So, I says to Sophie, "This is not going to be easy,

"but you and me are going to get down there to represent the family

"and pay our respects to Irene."

Isobel!

Isobel. Is Beth in, no?

- Er, no. No, she's out. - It's all right, I'll just let myself in.

Oh, you've got a houseful. If I'd have known that...

Well, I'd probably still have come across. Ha-ha!

Hello, everybody.

- Have you been to a funeral, Christine? - Yes, I have indeed.

Aw, has someone died?

No, we bury folk alive here in Scotland, don't you know(?)

Whose was it?

Och, some woman my gran knew. It was a nightmare!

I've been there since 10 o'clock this morning!

A sad day, Cathy. Sophie, where's that order of service

till I talk Cathy through it? Full Latin mass, Cathy.

My arse was fucking numb!

Cath, a wee top-up?

- Eric? - Er, no, no, I'm fine with the orange.

Aw, what's the matter with you?

- He's on the wagon. - Why are you on the wagon, Eric?

I just decided to lay off it for a while.

My uncle was always trying to stop, but he couldn't control it.

Aw, well. If it's making you fat,

and making you spit when you talk, why not?

I've said for years that you've had a problem.

- I don't have a problem! - Honestly, that's exactly what he used to say.

- Oh! - How come you're having to stop, then?

I'm just taking a break from it!

- Oh? How long are you taking a break from it for? - I don't know!

- You'll have one tomorrow, though? - Probably a wee one.

That's no' much of a break, that!

Well, that's the end of that!

- Open another one. - Aye! You get anything else, Eric?

- ERIC SIGHS - Oh, here, Eric!

Take that out the road, will you? It's giving me the boak!