How I Met Your Mother

This is the life.

We got the three B's.

Beach, booze and bodacious babes.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think we should call the police.

Oh, would you relax?

We've got it made.

One whole week at his bodacious beach house,

no strings attached.

Well, there is one string attached.

Hi, Barney.

Bodacious.

"Weekend at Barney's!"

What is it? What's wrong?

The plays, Robin, the plays.

The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor

to pick up busty dullards.

They just keep coming to me; I can't turn them off.

Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay?

All right, here we go.

Remember when you set

your Playbook on fire?

That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry.

And I'd burn it again if I could.

You're right.

I'm done with all these plays.

Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up

with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's."

"Weekend at Barney's Two!"

Damn it, Barney!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, there's this big

gallery opening tonight.

Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, um...

Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden,

front row.

It's gonna be legend...

I wasn't inviting you guys.

Oh, thank God. There is no concert.

As the captain's new art buyer,

I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist,

Strickland Stevens,

so we get first dibs on all his new stuff.

And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal

by impressing the intelligentsia

with some art-related hilarity.

I've prepared some jokes.

Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent?

I don't know. Why?

This is gonna be rough.

Because he ran out of Monet.

You're gonna get that

on the walk home. How about this one?

You know what, we'd... we'd love to hear it,

but we've got that, um... that...

Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass. Let's go.

We don't want to miss whatever their big song was.

Yeah.

Your wedding response card, as promised.

Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else?

Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.

You should be touched that I hand-delivered it.

Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships

that we no longer wish to experience the...

You wanted to keep the stamp?

They're 46 cents now.

It's getting out of hand.

"Your invitation is joyfully accepted

by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette""

Kids, as you'll recall,

Jeanette was the last girl I dated

before I met your mother.

My friends only had

one tiny problem with her.

She was nuts.

So you're bringing a plus one?

If you count the voices in her head,

it's plus five.

Guys, I'm bringing her,

and you're gonna love having her there.

Oh, and, um, by the way,

just so this doesn't turn into an argument later,

the dress she's gonna wear

isn't technically white; it's eggshell.

The shoes are white, though.

And the gloves.

And the veil. Well, see you guys.

No, no, no. Mosby! Get...

Oh, my God, what happened?

Oh, I trashed your apartment.

See, I got bored,

so I started going through all your e-mails.

Sure. And I found one from a woman

with the subject line, "big penis orgasms,"

so naturally, I smashed your plates,

knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers,

the whole nine, but then,

while I was upper-decking your toilet,

I actually read the e-mail.

Turns out it was spam.

Classic Jeanette, huh?

Oh, my God.

You are certifiably insane...

...about me.

Come here, you knucklehead.

I can't stay mad at you.

Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you.

You're just

so intense,

and it's all moving way too fast.

Here's your key back.

I never gave you a key.

And here's your grandmother's ring.

She was buried wearing this.

And just like that,

it was over.

I texted Barney and Robin.

I'm sure they're over the moon

that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding.

Oh, no, Ted, no.

They're not gonna be happy about you being sad.

They broke up!

Ted, respectfully,

are you sure that this was the right girl for you?

Of course not.

She was crazy.

Absolutely a nightmare.

It's totally not worth the trouble.

I mean, no matter how...

no matter how great the sex was.

Uh-oh. Stay with us, buddy.

No matter how hot and passionate

and surprising,

possibly illegal...

I don't like this. Me, neither.

I'm gonna win her back.

Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy.

I know.

I know.

Did you just unhook my bra?

Shh. There, there.

That night was the big gallery show.

Hey. I'm so sorry.

I decided to grab a snack from the bodega.

Why?

They'll have food at the gallery.

Oh, come on, these places never have food.

It's fine.

I got some Skittles.

That was the last bag of Skittles

your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.

Meanwhile, I headed over to Jeanette's place

to win her back.

What the hell?

I can't let you do this, Ted.

I want Jeanette back.

Well, then accept my apology.

For what?

This.

Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong.

That's just from Pilates?

Twice a week.

Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette.

Ted, what is my one rule?

You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?

My other one rule.

Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?

My other one rule.

Always have a fake pair of concert tickets

in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?

My other one rule.

Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there?

My other one rule. New is always better.

New is always better!

Exactly, Ted.

You want to invite a date to our wedding,

it is not gonna be Jeanette.

It is gonna be someone new.

And I am gonna help you find her

with a little help from...

The Playbook.

The Playbook?

Didn't you burn that?

Oh, I didn't burn the real one.

That was the ceremonial playbook

for parades,

mall openings,

inaugurations, stuff like that.

That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin.

Which is exactly why I'm trusting you,

my best bro, to never let her know

that the Playbook still exists.

Pinky swear?

Fine.

Wow.

See, I told you.

Thank God I snuck in this bag of goodness.

There's Strickland Stevens.

Wow.

Even his scarf is up-and-coming.