Laerte-se

Why am I the target of this camera?

A NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

I have a certain resistance to seeing myself

as an object of an investigation or attention.

And this is something that bothers me during interviews.

I end up answering, of course, because...

because answering also interests me.

It is a heavy burden to me,

as, in a way, I often hide things from myself.

E-MAILS FROM LAERTE

See you here tomorrow at 4:30pm, then? Kisses!

Actually, I would like to postpone it.

I am not at all comfortable with recording here.

I think I need more time.

E-MAIL FROM ELIANE

Hi, Laerte.

I am not sure time will make things easier.

It has been over a year since the first time you refused.

Sometimes, time only makes things taboo and makes monsters bigger.

EMAIL FROM LAERTE

Perhaps I don't mean more time, but another time.

I have been particularly tense.

I have had a few people over for quick interviews,

and I was anxious for them to go away as soon as possible.

Our meeting will not be a quick interview.

I think I would rather postpone it, knowing what it means.

EMAIL FROM ELIANE

I think it is important for us to keep our meeting,

and restart this documentary from whenever possible.

And it is important for it not become a burden to us.

Each meeting doesn't need to be a big event.

Sometimes they are just un-events, routines, small details...

and also sometimes uncomfortable moments.

Can you suggest a place where you would feel good?

EMAIL FROM LAERTE

I can't think of anywhere.

I think you're right. It is like therapy or psychoanalysis.

Let's do it at mine and see how it goes. Bye.

Valente, my grandson, had never been here either.

-I stopped him coming in. -Oh, really?

Not now. He is walking, he is all...

He's all biped.

So I wanted him to come. I was a bit impatient.

My daughter-in-law was too, and also Rafael.

Everybody liked it. He found it nice, he was...

He got to the kitchen and said "skull!". It was the first thing he saw.

"Do you like it?" "I do."

He loves my dad. Loves him!

He slept over there recently for the first time.

He loved it. It's his grandpa.

We decided this - me, him and my dad.

What would he be? Grandma or grandpa?

Má's father passed away, so there was no other grandpa

and there were eight grandmas at the table.

So we asked him if he would be happy being the grandpa, to fill a gap.

He said, "yes, it's fine."

How was it with your dad, the first time you showed up dressed as a woman?

He was a bit pissed off.

But my mom...

She changed his mind, I think.

My father is more uptight about these things.

Homosexuality and gender issues. He is not open about these things.

He did try,

and I think his effort was great.

And I also think there is something about being old, a kind of detachment.

My father is a retired professor.

He knows about rocks.

DAD?

IS THIS YOU, DAD?

THESE ARE MY TEETH.

SHOULD I TRY TO GET IN?

YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET OUT.

I remember what he...

When I started studying at FAAP,

there were many queers, it was very artsy.

This climate was sort of evident and he didn't hide his discontentment.

-About you being there? -He would say that he found it odd.

"Look at those poofs over there."

And when I looked, they were all friends of mine.

The hardest thing for me was my mom.

Up until the publication of Bravo Magazine ,

when the whole thing became public,

I was happy keeping my clandestine life.

I was more conformed than happy.

I knew she wouldn't, under any circumstances,

reject me or anything like that.

But I knew she had objections to express.

And she reacted in a way that is very typical of her.

Her first reactions were full of humor and very favorable.

She said: "I think I have some skirts and dresses here for you

that I no longer wear."

But that is my mom. She first reacts with humor.

And she sort of kept the relationship the way we always had.

Very loving and affectionate.

Then, she expressed her objections: "Be careful."

"You might be bullied, harassed or assaulted."

"Assaulted," she said.

But there was no way of making her feel appeased.

She was... I think she still worries about it today.

And then she is also worried about the theoretical question.

Because she is a biologist,

the concept of life she has...

It is biology dictating logic.

So I think she doesn't really understand

the way I see it or how gender issues are seen today.

She gets that, okay, the person feels that way, but it's not real.

What is being a woman?

My mom, for example, says it is giving birth.

I asked her why

and she said that's where she felt closest to an idea of being a woman.

It was her biggest accomplishment,

existentially.

-But that would leave you out. -Yes, it leaves me out.

I have no illusions about that. She doesn't think I'm a woman.

But how do you think she sees you? It's not real, it's not...

I am not sure. I think she sees me, first of all, as the son she had.

For 60 years I was her son.

And...

I think she is restless with...

with ideas that might be disturbing for her.

She understands there is a normal and natural way.

Where she doesn't use quotation marks, you know?

You said it was difficult with her,

but the way you tell it, it doesn't sound like it.

Yes... it was hard.

And it is hard because she represents something very serious to me,

something very...

She is not just a person I want to appease

and to make sure she feels comfortable.

No. She is a fundamental person in my life.

And she always will be.

It's not that she was fundamental. She is fundamental.

-I like this sugar, it... -I think it is quite pretty.

-Yes, it forms these little blocks... -It is shiny.

I used to like... When I went to the beach, the river...

When it reaches the sea, it digs into the sand.

The riverbed changes a lot.

Depending on the water flow, the riverbed comes, it goes...

So, there are many...

The edge of the sand makes these little fjords.

And I used to love playing with those things,

changing the water course until...

Boom! A big chunk would fall off.

It's the same with sugar.

-Was this when you were a kid? -Yeah, more as a kid.

My father bought a piece of land in Juquehy

and built a pre-fabricated house there.

In 1966.

What song do you want?

I want Spider Man.

Spider Man, Spider Man...

No, this is where we play. Here...

The black ones?

We play and put it in the little hole.

Ah, I know. It was not Spider Man. It was Batman.

Batman!

You said you are afraid of exposing yourself.

What exactly are you afraid of exposing?

I don't know.

I once said it is because I am afraid people will realize that I am a fraud.

I am afraid they will realize...

They will realize it. I am afraid...

I don't like people to come into my house because they will see that it's a mess,

that it's not a regular house.

HOW DO YOU MAKE A SMALL HOUSE SEEM BIG?

I have lived here for 12 years.

I still haven't decided what I want there.

Everything is still temporary.

It is an eternal temporary. Sort of exposed.

Exposed wires, the baseboard...

The baseboard is falling to pieces and I still haven't sorted it out.

I will end up doing it at some point.

We don't always do things logically, do we?

From my son's death to 2009,

when I decided, "Enough, I will become a woman. I will start this journey",

different things happened.

WE DON'T NEED TO FORGET THE FACE WE ONCE HAD (HERE IN 2016)

Growing my beard, radically changing my work, abandoning the characters.

I say abandoning because it is just a way of saying it.

I left aside making use of characters.

I left aside using the construction of comical discourse

the way I used to.

I went through all of these things.

But I had already started investigating myself as a transgender person.

And I stopped.

And at this point, some sort of bell rang inside of me,

when Diogo died.

And I thought it was... I don't know.

I asked myself several times, why did this sound inadequate to me?

Why wasn't messing with my work

in a way that was absolutely shameless

considered inadequate but this thing was?

This was...

I keep thinking about these things.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID, PLAYING VIDEOGAMES

AND EXPLAINING ALL THE GAMES, THE LEVELS, THE OBJECTIVES...

I ASKED YOU - WHAT IF A GAME DOES NOT HAVE AN OBJECTIVE?

EVERY GAME HAS AN OBJECTIVE!

TRUE.

BUT, MAYBE, NOT EVERYTHING IS A GAME.