Painting With John

Once, I was on a flight from, uh...

from Paris to New York.

And Gore Vidal was on the plane.

I'm coming down the aisle...

and he's just staring at me. Staring at me like...

So I assume he recognizes me.

So I do that thing that we famous people do

when we recognize each other

but don't want to actually speak to each other.

I just sort of nodded my head. You know, like...

"Hello, Gore Vidal." But don't say anything.

Obviously, he did recognize me

because he looked away with-- with a...

with an expression that could only be described as disgust.

He-- he was like...

You know? So, okay, Gore Vidal doesn't like you.

That was fine.

And we arrive in Paris...

and, uh, I'm waiting for my bag.

And as I'm standing right next to Gore Vidal, it's like,

"Oh, God, he's gonna think I'm stalking him."

So I turn my back a little bit.

Then I notice all this commotion.

And it's Gore Vidal, who's older and frail now,

and-- and he's struggling with this enormous suitcase.

And if he doesn't get it off the belt,

it's gonna go all the way around and he's gonna have to wait.

So I step in and I take off the suitcase

and put-- put it up, you know, on the floor.

And he looks at me, but doesn't acknowledge me,

and he still has that look of disgust

every time he looks at me.

And he just sort of pulls up that handle thing,

and he-- he must have thought

that some invisible baggage handler had-- had helped him.

'Cause he just pulls up the thing,

and then he wheels it away.

I have some respect for Gore Vidal,

and he's been dead a few years,

but I'd like to take this opportunity to say,

"Fuck you, Gore Vidal,

even though you're dead."

And I'm making a painting in his honor.

This is Gore Vidal, in case that's not clear.

And this is me, the wolf.

Not that I'm vindictive or anything. (LAUGHS)

Would you mind telling the folks at home

what a good and fair boss I am?

Once, I took...

cocaine for three hours

in a broom closet

at a nightclub

with Rick James

and Steve Rubell.

There's no story to go with this,

it's just a funny thing.

It's the image of it being Rick James,

Steve Rubell, and me...

snorting cocaine.

So you can see it.

Otherwise, it's three idiots in a closet snorting cocaine.

The image of that sticks with me.

Zach Galifianakis used to clean my house.

For real.

Is that how you say it, Galifianakis?

Yeah. And he did a good job. And I liked him.

And...

I knew he wanted to be a comedian,

so, at the end of each thing,

I let him...

tell me one joke at the end of the day.

And it was ho-- it was painful.

It was like, uh, Rupert Pupkin, kind of,

you know, that scene with Jerry Lewis,

and he's like, "Jerry, this is my pride and joy."

It was-- it was jokes like that. It was terrible.

And I'm just saying it 'cause it's so odd.

It's like André the Giant being driven to school

by Samuel Beckett. It's just odd to me, like,

not the combination of me and Zach,

but that he became such a big--

His acting in-- in The Hangover is-- is-- (STUTTERS)

a breakthrough in acting.

And I thought it was one of the great performances

in a big movie of all time. I thought he was unbelievable.

I'm sure he's not-- He's more confident now

than he was then.

I wonder if he thinks I'm an asshole.

That would be a shame.

Once, I was really depressed,

and I was driving...

in a cab going uptown.

And, uh...

Down by Law, it must have been.

I'm driving by this-- this-- this movie theater.

And up on the billboard

of this movie theater is my name.

"Tom Waits and John Lurie in Down by Law."

And it-- it didn't make me feel any better.

In fact, it made me feel worse.

It was just like I thought, "Well, that's weird."

And if that doesn't make you feel better, then fuck!

And you can't get rid of it.

Fame sticks to you. You cannot get rid of it.

That's the thing.

You can't undo fame.

Really, it-- it took me forever.

You know, Anthony Bourdain and I were supposed to go out for lunch.

And I said, "Look, pick someplace really quiet.

I don't wanna go anyplace

where anybody's gonna know either one of us."

And, uh...

he said, "That's fine."

And I said to him, I said, "It's such a relief

to not be famous anymore."

And he just stopped in his tracks.

And he said, "I know.

I'm agoraphobic now."

And it's like--

And he was such a decent person.

You know, every single person that came up to him and said,

"Oh, you're Anthony Bourdain."

And he-- you know, he was--

you know, he was polite to every single person who came up.

And people can be such parasites.

And the pain in his face...

when he said, "I'm agoraphobic."

It was just... (SHUDDERS) It just--

I mean, you could sense something behind the eyes with him

like there was something he was sad about.

But you didn't know what it was, and-- and--

I think that was the main thing, was like...

fame was killing him.

I don't know, I'm confused about losing him,

and I think about it all the time,

and I don't understand it. So...

You know, fame, it's just terrible.

I don't know why I'm doing this show.

Why am I doing this show?

In fact, if you're watching it...

D-- do me a favor, and just turn it off.

Really, turn it off.

I'm not fucking kidding you. Turn off the fucking show.

Or if you don't turn it off,

at least don't tell anybody about it.