Intelligence

If you spin it as quick as you can...

I just don't get how to do it.

Then, you can see all the different colours, like that.

It's really clever isn't it?

You didn't borrow my memory stick, did you?

It's got a picture of a vagina on it.

Printed on the actual stick, or as a JPEG?

Both. And it's yours?

The stick belongs to me, but it is not my vagina.

What does it look like? My vagina?

Sorry, do you think terrorists just sit around chatting all day?

Get back to work.

I bet some of them do.

You'd go mad otherwise, wouldn't you?

Suicidal.

Do you want a biscuit or anything, Tuva?

Mary, do you want a biscuit? Does it give you migraines?

OK, right. I need a full update from all of you.

As you heard just now, we have Jerry Bernstein from the NSA

arriving shortly.

Oh, my God! Jerry Bernstein's going to be working with us?

And he is going to be our NSA liaison.

If you must speak to the Americans, you will now go through him.

Is that going to be a problem? Absolutely not. I'm a huge, huge fan.

He and I had a lot of email back and forth on 9/11.

What, he's a terrorist? No.

Whitehall created the position

as part of our shared intelligence initiative,

Aside from providing a link to American resources,

I'm told he has a wealth of experience.

Should I book Pizza Express in that case?

I suspect he'll be too jet-lagged.

I don't mind.

Sorry, so will he be here long, then? Yes.

Providing he plays by the rules.

Alright, mate. Excuse me.

Mary, where are we with last week's cryptanalysis?

Can you stop doing that, please?

Sorry, the pages are a bit ripped.

It was my cat.

I'm worried he might have caught Huntington's disease.

You're born with Huntington's diseases.

No, I wasn't. It doesn't matter.

No, I've heard it's really serious.

Tuva, did you manage to hack the Scorpio server?

All the names and IP addresses,

plus recordings of the voicemails.

That's really good, Tuva. (CHUCKLES) Wow!

Some of this is incredibly filthy.

Thank you.

Oh, I love that kind of stuff. I can't take it.

You know you're not meant to eat it, right?

Latest systems update. Joseph? Go. Now?

OK, so, all our main systems seem to be running absolutely fine.

We've still got a fair bit of chatter to analyse from yesterday morning.

About 25% of that left to do.

Also, I did end up stumbling across

Matthew McConaughey's browsing history.

Why is GCHQ, Centre For Cyber Security,

looking at Matthew McConaughey's browsing history?

I suspect it was just a glitch in the system,

but I just thought I'd follow it up, just in case.

Do you not want to know what he's been looking at?

Is it in the interests of national security?

Not really, no. It's lawnmowers... mainly. Big ones.

Ooh!

Also, we just lost our primary drone over the Iranian border.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I know, and to add insult to injury,

the Level 3 printer has stopped working.

Oh, no!

Oh, "Database breach, Bank of England."

(THE KETCHUP SONG BY LAS KETCHUP PLAYS ON BEEPER)

Oh, I've really got to change that.

How do you get yours to just beep?

It's just set on 'beep'.

I think this must be Elaine's, you know?

She walked down the aisle to this.

Sorry to be so...

Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits!

Quick as you like.

(THE KETCHUP SONG BY LAS KETCHUP PLAYS)

Can you grab my luggage, or do I need to do that, too?

Hello.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll come down. Yes.

Jerry's here. Oh.

Jerry's here!

Hey.

Jerry.

Hi. (PANTS) Joseph Harries.

So great to finally meet you.

Hey. Sorry, do we know each other?

Oh, yeah, I'm the one who used to send the NSA

all the weekly cyber memos. No way!

I thought that was spam. Oh, no, it was me. (CHUCKLES)

Right. What was your name again?

Joseph Harries. Right.

John, do you mind me asking, do you have dwarfism in your family?

I... I don't think... No.

OK.

Well, you should check. OK.

Can you give me a hand? Yes, absolutely. Right, here we go.

We are just up on the third floor. Oh, oh, no!

Don't... don't use the wheels. It's quite an expensive case.

Can you carry it in? I won't be long.

Uh... yeah. OK.

Oh! Oh, my God.

(OVER PHONE) Hello. Hi, Mom.

Evelyn.

Evelyn!

Hello. Yeah, did you want me?

Yes. Can you come up, please? Oh, my God.

What? Could you not hear me shouting?

I was on the phone. Yes, to me.

Get me a full background check on Jerry Bernstein,

and I need to see his file. It's classified.

If only there were an institution

that cracked codes to access classified information.

So, where's that?

OK, shall we go through? Oh, hey, Jerry! Sorry.

They've just told us to wait here for a sec.

Why? It's just a security thing.

Won't be long. (CHUCKLES) What, because you're...

Oh, no, it's not that.

It's just they need to check inside the case.

Because they think it's yours? No, no.

Just standard procedure. This happens all the time.

Right. Because you're...

Evelyn's here, and that's where I sit.

I'm just over there.

And, Jerry, this is... That's right.

..Chris Cranfield, Director of Cyber Security at GCHQ.

Oh. No way!

I was expecting a guy. Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Do you prefer Chris or Christopher?

It's Christine, actually. Right.

These are for you and the team.

Oh, lovely!

Uh! So, what do we got going down?

You want to give me, like, a two-word summary of where we're at?

No.

Why don't you just settle in? We can catch up later.

Joseph, will you show Jerry to his office, please?

Yeah, sure. Hold the phone.

So, uh, what OS are we using here? Is this Lysander 4.4?

4.5.

Nice.

This is Tuva Olsen.

Used to be one of Europe's most notorious hackers.

Still am.

That was a joke.

Man, I love humour.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA. Bernstein.

Is that Jewish?

Wouldn't you like to know? Flirt.

Mary, come over and say hello to Jerry. Quickly!

God, what... what... what happened?

Er, nothing. What? What do you mean?

This is Mary Needham, one of GCHQ's finest.

Finest what? Cryptanalysts.

Mary was one of the first female professors

to be nominated for a Nobel Prize.

Wow. Did you win?

No.

And I ended up getting cystitis on the day, sadly.

I think it was all the stress.

That's a great story.

Can we get the aircon turned on?

It feels about 74 degrees, and I find my team works best at 71.

Yeah, I can do that if you'd like... No! Sit down, please, Joseph.

Yeah, I need you to take notes. Please stay.

Yeah, yeah. Yep. Yeah. Alright, everyone, listen up.

I am now your best possible resource.

I'm here for you.

So, I want you to use me,

exploit me,

punish me.

I want to feel as if I've been uploaded

into each and every one of you.

Even you guys.

What are you doing? I'm just welcoming everyone.

Can we get them to stop?

No, we're in the middle of something - Bank of England.

No American liaison required, sadly.

OK. Listen, I just want to say I'm really excited about this.

I think we can learn a lot from each other,

especially from me.

It'll be a pleasure collaborating

with one of our oldest and closest allies.

Welcome to GCHQ.

Thank you.

Back to work, everyone.

Good morning.

Hey! Do you like the plants?

You know they'll die in three days. Oh, no, it's fine.

I sprayed them with glue, so they're kind of mummified.

By the way, where are HR based?

I really need to get hold of my pass.

Fourth floor, but most of them are on school holidays.

They're still at school.