Davey & Jonesie's Locker

Okay, where do you wish we were right now instead of here?

Go. / Oh, okay.

Cleveland's saddest mall.

Um, anyone's board game night.

Ooh. The back half of Snowpiercer.

But the movie, not the train.

Obviously.

Can you believe that high school's this boring?

Like, we knew, but we didn't know

in the haunted way we know now.

No, if you told me that it was gonna be this, like, for forever,

we would be in a tasteful cult right now, I'll tell you that.

God, why is everyone so boring but us?!

They're just a bunch of...

Yeah, doing their algebra.

Chowin' down on root bear.

Chowin'? You know what?

We just have to get through the next two years,

and then we can do whatever we want.

More than we do now.

Yeah.

Davey! Jonesie!

Seriously?

Okay, we'll go. We're going. / No, no, no, please.

Take your time. We'd hate to inconvenience you.

Get off the field! / Yeah, well, you're all sheep!

Yeah! Let's go. / So, baa-baa!

Get a hobby. / I don't know.

I think that is their hobby, and that's what's sad about it.

Whoa! / Uh...

Dana, Jorby. I just, uh...

have to... Excuse... / Okay, okay.

Y-You have to know that's not our names.

Don't care. Thank you.

How is that guy an actual human teacher?

I'm telling you, man. This school is the worst.

Oh no.

"A Night of Enchanted Tolerance."

Woof.

This school's determined to humiliate itself.

You know what, the only thing worse than participating in sports

is participating in the tragic, archaic mating ritual

that is the school dance.

Dude.

Yo, yo! Watch how fast I can drink this root beer!

Oh, s-something's wrong.

It really is.

Why, hormones?!

You're better than this!

Davey, Jonesie. / Emile.

Get help...

I'm sorry, but am I the only one who sees this?

Yes.

I mean, I could.

I just choose not to.

Remind me again why you two share a locker.

Oh, because my locker was next to the band room,

and then I had this argument with the Jazz Club

about whether or not I am or am not in the Jazz Club.

Wait, you're in Jazz Club?

I don't know! / Open wound.

Don't poke, but... / Sorry.

...it's ultimately why we sold off her locker

to that kid who sells the off-brand protein powder.

Now, we share mine. / Yeah,

but it's actually awesome because we have identical class schedules

and there's plenty of room.

There she is. Old Faithful. / Ew.

Oh God. Yep. / She's a beaut.

Googly eyes on the car battery. / Yeah.

That's cute.

Ooh!

Oh, we shoulda warned you.

Are there magnets in there?!

Yeah, it was a failed Halloween costume. / Yeah, it made sense at the time.

Yep, it's broken. Well, I commend you

on committing to the bit of being yourselves

despite the resoundingly mixed reviews.

Davey! Jonesie!

Loving the outfit, Ms. Debbie. / Mm-hmm.

He's fun.

What's up, Principal Neighbors?

Oh God, what isn't? / What?

Uh-huh. Okay, are you two still, uh, sharing a locker?

Uh... I... / Ooh.

I don't know. / You know, girls,

you know what I've learned from my recent divorce

and subsequent intensive therapy journey?

A lot of things, but also how to read people.

Yep. And while I am all about the power of

hashtag female friendship, I am sisterhood for life,

I, and, frankly, a lot of the faculty, have become concerned

that your relationship has become codependent. Yeah?

To the point of being self-alienating to your peer group.

Principal Neighbors. Come on. / Principal Neighbors. Come on.

I mean, we've been over this, right?

Th-That our relationship is cool and normal,

and that we haven't been alien... alientizing anybody.

No, w-we have other friends. / Yes.

Emile! Hey, buddy! Emile!

Emile!

Emile!

Ouch. That was hard to watch. / He was just here!

We were just hanging out, making plans... / We were just... We laughed, I think.

I get it. Why don't we take this conversation

somewhere a little more safe and a little less,

how do I put this, embarrassing for you, okay?

Let's step it off. It's okay.

Down the hall. Take the shame down the hall.

Gentlemen, it's finally ready.

Tonight, we take back what's ours.

Now that our portal attunement devices are complete,

the hour of reckoning is close at hand.

Tonight,

we take back the multiver...

Oh. / Mr. Schneider?

What?

I need next period off to help with the dance committee.

Why are you telling me this?

Because you're the teacher.

Oh. Right.

Uh, that's fine, Mart. Yeah.

It's Mark.

As I was saying,

tonight,

we take back the multiverse, gentlemen!

Oh...

Oh, okay.

Gratitude. Confidence is power.

Isn't that better?

It's lavender. Calming.

Where were we?

That's right. Putting yourselves out there.

Taking risks.

That's why I'm now an intermediate-level

Peruvian basket weaver,

and why you two are joining the decorating committee for the dance tonight.

Um...

That's not really our thing. / Yeah, we weren't actually gonna go

to the dance because... there... I have this...

'Cause because we're so shy. / Shy.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to insist.

You two can check-in in the gym with Alexis and Sierra this afternoon.

Cool. Cool. And if we don't?

If you don't, if I don't see a marked improvement

in your general ability to engage with literally anyone but each other,

I'm afraid I'm gonna be forced to separate you.

Sorry. / Sorry.

Sorry, did you say separate? / Sorry, did you say separate,

or did you say ka... did you say pizza party?

Yeah. Separate class schedules, for a start.

Separate lockers. And if you push it,

if you force my hand, then I will be forced to recommend to your parents

that one of you transfer.

Transfer?! Are you cr... / No! No! No! No!

Hold me back 'cause I'm gonna... / No. No. Hey.

You have something evil in your eyes, and I see it.

Okay, okay, okay. It doesn't have to come to that,

but I just need to see some...

Ooh, how would I put it?

Healthier behavior.

I'm not asking for the moon here, girls.

I just need you to be less...

Ourselves? / Nope. Hey, no. I...

You were pretty much gonna say that.

No, I didn't say that 'cause I am all about letting your freak flag fly.

Yeah, I am all for it. I love... I love to be freak.

Yeah. You know what I have?

I have an Andy Warhol print in my dining room, so...

Dean didn't get that in the settlement.

I'm just trying to get you two to expand your horizons

because that's my job.

It's a big world out there,

and you gotta just embrace whatever the universe throws at you.

Starting with the decorating committee for the dance tonight.

Okay, I'm gonna say something, and I know it's gonna be dramatic,

but this is textbook child abuse!

I mean, can she separate us? Like, legally?

If she can't, our parents for sure will.

Mine already think you're a bad influence.

Why? Because I made a lightly erotic stop-motion film

using your sister's old Barbies? / Well, it did not help.

That was such a layered film.

I know. / For real.

Okay, so we're gonna do this?

What choice do we have?

D, if you think that this place is a boring hellhole now,

imagine going through it not together.

How dare you?

You know that my imagination is too powerful for hypotheticals like that.

It is desperate times, D! Okay?

Which is why we're just gonna have to find a way to get through this.

It's one afternoon with Sierra.

One little dance, right?

But, it's just, like, the dance committee. They're so...

Basic. Yeah, I know,

but what would you expect from a school

that would rather turn out mindless automatons