In Living Color

Hi! I'm Rush Limbaugh.

And I'm Al Sharpton.

And we've put aside our differences to bring you...

Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud Men's Shop!

Now, you may be asking yourself...

what could I have in common with Hitler's chunky nephew?

Yes, and what could I possibly have in common with this pork chop with a pompadour?

Well, we both have an insatiable appetite for power.

And for pizza! Along with a taste for clothes with elastic waistbands!

That's right.

I see it's not just your politics that lean to the right.

Yes, it's true... we get a little loud and overbearing.

But you won't mind when we put you in a suit...

for the price of a good perm, a curl and a case of Dark and Lovely!

- Isn't that right, Pillsbury Dough Boy? - Right you are, Rerun!

Hey, hey, hey!

And, unlike "the reverend," our tailors are real men of the cloth.

Let some feminazi try and resist you in these attractive yet roomy slacks.

Feels good to have bobo at your feet, doesn't it, bro?

Now, take a look at this baby...

specially designed by me with talent on loan from God.

At only 149.99, even you lazy welfare freeloaders can afford it.

- He normally wears a hood with that white suit! - That's right.

And it doesn't matter what if you're big or loud...

'cause we got sizes for everybody...

large, larger and the new Malcolm X-tra large.

Now, don't worry about getting food all over your new suit.

All of Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud suits...

come with our patented eater's side air-bib!

Now, that's convenience.!

I have a dream...

that I would one day fit in a 32 waist.

- Keep dreaming, pal. - Get your pink, sweaty white hands off me, bobo.

Oh! Are you gonna start crying, Rodney King?

Oh, look! There goes Martina Navratilova kissin' all over your mama!

So maybe we all can't get along.

But we can all get a long coat, a sport jacket and two pairs of trousers...

for under $200.

That's right... under $200.

At Rush 'N' Al's, we've got the suit for you, whether you're white or wrong.

And we're easy to find too. Take a right on Martin Luther King Boulevard.

And just keep heading west until you smell the tender, flaky apple fritters...

leading you to our spacious outlet.

- So come on down! - To Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud Shop.

Our stomachs are inflated!

But our prices are not!

Come on! Let's go and eat!

Hi, this is Kitty Singleton in the Fox News room.

Joining us is the director of Housing and Urban Development, Mr. Richard Sullivan.

Mr. Sullivan, how have the recent budget cuts affected HUD?

Terribly. Our agency was one of the hardest hit by the cutbacks...

largely due to the negative press over past scandals...

which is tragic because low-income housing is essential to the welfare of the country.

By making cutbacks in our department...

you are really shutting the door on the future of our children.

But what reassurances do we have that impropriety won't happen again?

Well, I guess all you have is my word.

See, when the treasury was first set up, they lacked a mission statement...

unclear goals of the department that allowed the situation to get way out of hand.

Employees were not required to get projects and loans approved through proper channels.

But since that time new rules have been implemented...

which provide safeguards against that ever happening again.

You mentioned a mission statement. What is HUD's mission statement?

Well, I can't tell you the exact wording...

but we are here to help provide low-income families the chance for affordable housing...

and, in the process, help develop the inner city.

How will the cuts in the budget hurt HUD?

Kitty, the budget cuts were based on the idea...

that the interest rate would fall below four percent...

thus lowering the need for HUD dollars.

But the interest rate has remained constant...

which will deplete the funds that HUD has allowed for low-interest loans.

What exactly is HUD doing to revitalize the nation's crime-ridden public housing?

Well, as you know, there are over 3.4 million Americans...

living in public housing...

and HUD has delegated over $483,000,000...

for rebuilding and security purposes.

We are hoping to improve the housing department...

so that the families can once again feel secure in their own home.

But won't the cutbacks be detrimental to public housing?

No. Regardless of presidential budget cuts...

public housing is our number-one priority.

So I would like to reassure the low-income tenants that even though the president...

is retreating from urban homesteading...

the housing department will not abandon these people.

Now, what projects can we expect to see from HUD in the near future?

Oh, well, to name all the goals of HUD would be futile...

considering the time allotted here.

But I can tell you that the new commission was designed...

not only to help the consumer...

but also the infrastructure of our inner cities.

Okay, now, you speak about public housing, but what about the first-time home buyer?

With proper employee verification we can ensure that those people...

will be first on the list to get homes with substantial down payments.

Well, I want to thank you very much, Mr. Sullivan...

for taking time out of your busy schedule and joining us here today.

- It's been my pleasure. - This has been Kitty Singleton, live for Fox News.

Good night.

And now, a few minutes with Randy Rooney.

Did you ever notice how many myths there are about black people?

Why is it white people say we all look alike?

I get Gary Coleman and Shaquille O'Neal confused all the time.

And why do they always tell me some of their best friends are black...

yet you never seem to see them with their best friends?

How come when a black man's beeper goes off, he's a wanted felon...

but when a white guy's beeper goes off, he's a-wanted in surgery?

And why is it that every government report that comes out about black people...

makes our future seem so bleak?

We've got high blood pressure, high cholesterol...

high triglycerides, high sodium.

The only thing that's low is our pay.

Did you ever notice that the police seem to always pull you over...

when you're hanging with the homeboys?

Their idea of a warning is a Taser blast.

And those Taser darts hurt! Ouch!

These are one of those flesh-colored Band-Aids.

Whose flesh are they talking about anyway?

Certainly not ours.

And when the police pull you over...

why do you always seem to fit the description...

of a suspect they're looking for?

Kind of makes you think it's a conspiracy, doesn't it?

Do you ever wonder why white women always clutch their purses when a brother walks by?

They think we're all criminals.

Jeffrey Dahmer was white, but I don't think every white person I see wants to eat me.

And you know what really bugs me?

Why is it a Soul Train?

I guess if it were a Soul Buick, the cops would pull it over...

because Don Cornelius fit the description...

of a suspect they're looking for.

And that was a few moments of dissing with Randy Rooney.

- What'll you have, pal? - Uh, uh, uh...

- How much... How much... How much for a beer? - Uh, dollar-50.

Dollar-50? Good Lord! That's a lot of money for a beer.

Uh, uh, uh... How much for a light beer?

- 1.50. - 1.50?

Good Lord! That don't sound too light to me.