Two and a Half Men

* Men.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): You don't have to be a prisoner of depression.

Unlock the door of darkness and despair,

and step into the sunlight with Lumitrol.

If you're taking an MAO inhibitor,

consult your physician.

Side effects may include dry mouth,

high fever, tremors, nausea, sweating...

You should try that stuff.

What for? I'm not depressed.

Really? Why not?

What have I got to be depressed about?

Well, you've been divorced twice,

you're living on your brother's couch,

and your only child is flunking tenth grade.

Wh-you... you're flunking tenth grade?

When the hell did this happen?

Easy, dude. I think you

got bigger things to worry about.

Charlie, you're being a complete ass about this.

I said no. End of discussion.

Yeah, that'll do it.

It's just a couple of dance lessons

so we don't look like idiots at our wedding.

Hey, I have said yes to everything

having to do with this stupid wedding,

but this is too much.

You think our wedding is stupid?

If I have to dance, it is.

You know what, just drop dead.

Fine.

I'll drop dead, and you can dance on my grave.

SPORTSCASTER (over TV): ...three games last year,

but I guarantee you Carson Palmer

didn't miss guys wide open.

That hurts.

And certainly not

in their comeback against California

down at the L.A. Coliseum.

Leinart overthrows...

You do know you're going

to be taking dancing lessons?

Oh, yeah.

Does that depress you?

A little.

May I suggest you try Lumitrol.

What?

Unless you're already taking an MAO inhibitor,

in which case, consult your physician.

Hard to believe he's flunking tenth grade.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hey. Hey.

Did you cave on the dancing?

Yeah.

You have to grovel?

Like a leper at a kissing booth.

Did you at least get makeup sex?

Nope.

Wow, it's like you're already married.

Yeah, I might as well just give her my testicles right now

and use the empty sack as a man purse.

Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse.

Terrific way to carry your keys,

ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes.

Please move out of my house.

Hey, face it, big brother.

We're a team.

Like Ernest and Julio Gallo.

Seriously, get some cardboard boxes,

fill them with your crap and go.

Now, see, that's just misdirected anger.

You're not mad at me; you're mad at yourself

for trading your dignity and self-respect

for security, peace of mind and regular sex.

Where do you get that?

I've been married twice, Julio.

The key is to make the best of it.

Uh, like with the dance lessons, for instance.

They... they can be fun.

You and Chelsea practicing,

learning to glide across the dance floor

as a single organism,

embracing the music like the breath of life itself.

Okay, first, decorate my house, then move out.

Cute. You'll see what I'm talking about

on your wedding day when you step out

onto the dance floor with your new bride

and sweep her into your arms with everybody watching.

I'm sorry. I can't see it.

Let me help you.

* Precious and few are the moments *

* We two can share...

How'd you know that's the song she wants for our first dance?

Who do you think suggested it to her?

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

What? Dance with me. Come on.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm just going to give you a few tips.

Keep your tip away from me.

You can either embarrass yourself now

or you can embarrass yourself at your first dance class

in front of Chelsea and a bunch of strangers.

Okay, I just want you to know

I'm only letting you touch me

'cause I'm half in the bag.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

Now, put your right hand on my lower back.

And your left hand holds my right hand.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa!

We're not cracking walnuts.

Firmly but gently, like you hold a baby bird.

I've never held a baby bird.

Okay, like you hold a boob.

I am holding a boob.

Ha ha.

Now, we're going to start with a simple waltz.

You're the boy, and I'm the girl.

That's how it would break down in prison.

I don't know, Charlie.

You've always been the pretty one.

And...

one, two, three, two, two, three.

One, two, three,

two, two, three.

Okay, you're going to have to back off a half step.

There's no groin contact in ballroom dancing.

Huh.

Wonder if that's why they call it "ball room".

Man, your grandmother really did a number

on those poor bastards.

It's a miracle I turned out as well as I did.

* Men.

(segues into Chopin's "Marche Funèbre")

Hey, Uncle Charlie, want to dance with me?

Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?

Sometimes.

Don't sass me, boy.

I'll take the switch to you.

Hello, man of my dreams.

Hello, love of my life.

Hello, reason I go to therapy.

You go to therapy because you're weak.

I'm weak because you broke my spirit at age five.

Oh, boo-hoo for you.

Guys, guys, can we please not do this?

What?

Just saying hello.

I'm going to go put this stuff away.

Thanks again for the scarf.

My pleasure, dear.

Looks beautiful on you.

Thank you.

That woman is just a treasure.

I know.

Worth her weight in gold. Yes, she is.

Speaking of which, have you talked to her about a prenup?

What?

No, I'm not going to ask her for a prenup.

Charles, 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

And guess which half the guys

who can't keep it in their pants fall into?

Hey, I have never once cheated on Chelsea.

How long have you known her?

I don't know-- about a year and a half.

How long do you plan on being married?

Criminy, I need a prenup.

* Men.

And...

one, two, three, one, two, three.

Very... nice, two, three.

You're doing great, sweetie.

Have you been practicing?

No, no, no.

I'm a musician.

It's instinctive.

So, the pictures Jake e-mailed me

of you and Alan cheek to cheek was just what,

a tender moment between brothers?

How old do kids have to be

before it's legal to punch them?

Come on.

You'd never hit Jake.

That's exactly what I want you to tell Child Services.

I think it's great that you cared

enough about this to practice.

So, I get some points in the bank?

Whole bunch.

Good. Good.

Hey, speaking of banks,

I've been thinking.

Now, don't overreact,