Keeper

So you call this punk music?

Oh, my God.

You're a punk.

Huh? I'm not a punk.

Yeah, you're a fucking punk.

No, I'm not a fucking punk. I'm a...

I mean, I don't know what I am, but...

So where are you going?

Um... to the... country

with... Malcolm.

Uh, to a cabin, I guess. Like, his cabin.

A city subway rat like you

at a cabin in the woods?

Yeah, it'll be my first time up there.

Well, fuck. It's been a while, huh?

Yeah, almost a year.

Wow, that's gotta be, like,

an unofficial record for you.

No, shut up.

Uh-oh, better break up.

No, no uh-ohs.

What are you thinking?

Nothing.

So, what are you wearing?

What does a person wear to a cabin?

It's, like, buffalo plaid?

He got me a cardigan.

Is it... is it beige?

- It is. It is beige. - Ugh.

I don't even think I've ever heard you say "beige" before.

I didn't even think

-you knew the bitch. -I don't even know the bitch.

So, does he want kids?

I don't... uh, we-- we haven't talked about that.

Don't you think you should?

Uh, well, you know, I've never

pictured myself as a mother.

So... are you happy?

Yeah.

And he's still not hiding

a wife and kids in the basement?

No. No secret family.

Just... him and...

just the two of us.

Fuck, it is...

it's trippy as shit talking to you like this.

Call me sometime, okay?

...draw the line.

-Make yourself at home. -Uh-huh.

Oh!

First things first.

-Your masterpiece. -Mm-hmm.

Knock yourself out.

Come on. Ooh.

Here we go.

Somebody left you a cake.

Uh, yeah, the caretaker.

Yeah, it's a bit of a tradition.

Her way of making up for being so bad

at taking care of the place.

Hey, come take a look!

The crown jewel of my collection!

-So, what do you think? -Mm-hmm...

"Mm-hmm"? "Mm-hmm"?

- That's it? - Mm-hmm...

- It looks good. - Oh, it's good.

It's good. It's great. I love it.

-You're good. -Mm.

Like, really, really good. You know that?

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm is right.

Oh!

Who lives there?

-Just my cousin, Darren. -Hm.

Not my family's proudest contribution

to civilization, but...

he won't bother us.

Good old weird and cranky recluse,

Cousin Darren?

Actually, he just goes

by regular asshole, Cousin Darren.

But, uh, I didn't see his car, so...

Hmm.

I'm gonna start getting things ready

-for dinner, okay? -Sounds good.

Ah...

Mm.

Malcolm?

You say something?

No. Nothing.

Oh. Okay.

I'm not a punk.

Not a punk.

No, I don't know what I am, but...

I thought you'd be happier seeing your painting up.

You know how I feel about it.

It's decorative, and that's fine.

No. No, but you made that, you know?

If I could do what you do,

I don't think I could stop myself.

I'd just be doing it all the time,

again and again and again and again and again.

You--you sound like that old joke.

What was it?

If men had tits, they'd never stop playing with them?

Yeah. Yeah, well, if men had breasts...

Rome definitely would not have been built in a day.

Oh.

Are you expecting someone?

No.

The caretaker... whatever?

At this hour? No, uh, no, of course not.

- Very insistent. - Damn it.

- It's Cousin Darren. - No.

And his date.

No!

I can see you.

I'm going to let him in.

Okay.

Malcolm!

Hey-hey-hey!

What's going on?

Cousin Darren, Liz.

- Liz, Cousin Darren. - Hi.

- Yup! Hah. - And, uh...

Minka!

Minka's a model.

- Minka. - Oh, cool.

- Yeah. - Hello, Minka.

Keep trying. Yeah, yeah. Heh-heh-heh.

But, uh, not a lick of English, this one.

No speaky.

See?

It's Eastern European.

One of the "ania" ones.

Not Transylvania, but almost Transylvania.

-Right, babe? -Wow.

No? Who cares?

She loves, loves, loves her Molly,

though, doesn't she, babe?

Yeah, yeah.

I wish you'd told me that you'd be stopping by.

- I'd have made more. - Oh, no problem.

We already had ours. Couldn't wait!

Plus, we wouldn't want to intrude on your special...

night of nights.

Yeah.

Malcolm's a romantic one.

Always has been. The slow one.

Uh...

Cousin, a... a word in the other room?

Excuse me a minute.

You okay?

Tastes like shit.

Okay!

Time to go. Upsy-daisies.

Let's let the lovebirds have their privacy.

She's a keeper, cousin.

Don't wait too long and let this one get away.

Huh?

Oopsies!

There you go. You're all right.

Up, up, up.

You're okay. Yeah. Out the door. Good job.

Night-night time. Come on, now.

You okay?

No. Liz, Liz isn't here anymore.

They had to scoop out her brains

to fill out her tits.

See, I can only apologize for my cousin.

You know, he was charming once,

but now he's just a superficial, cowardly asshole.

But...

...not you, right?

You don't go for the 10 out of 10s

or whatever the fuck...

with a little drawstring in their back with...

with two or three pre-recorded sentences.

Oh, where we go?

We go to clubbing now?

Come on, hey.

My cousin, he's a... he's just an empty box,

you know, with a... with a stupid fucking bow on it.

And, uh, that box is gonna stay empty

-unless he's willing to put a... -But me?

The box that is me has something in it.

Yeah, it's filled to the rim.

What are you talking about?

That's why I'm in love with you, Liz.

And, uh...

And even more concerning is, uh...

I like you.

I really, really...

like you.

It's weird that you paid me for my painting.

It was for sale. It had a price tag next to it,

and no little red dot to tell me

that somebody'd gotten to it first.

And it spoke to me, you know?

It said... "Bring me home."

So I listened, same as I did when I met you.