Hasan Minhaj: Off with His Head

San Jose, what's up?

Nice to see you! What's happening?

What's going on, Bay Area?

Listen to me, tonight, tonight's gonna be special, San Jose.

You know what I love when I look out here?

I love the diversity I see here.

Not racially.

Financially.

The good stuff. The stuff that matters. The stuff that's real.

The money, all right? There's money in this room.

But there's also not money in this room.

That's the Bay. You're not as progressive as you think you are, Bay Area.

In this room right now, there's a guy who owns three homes.

And he's sitting directly next to a dude who only owns three hoodies.

And one of y'all's getting stabbed tonight.

It's probably the landlord.

- -

Because it's all here. I can see it. It's all here.

Whoo-hoo.

We got it all here. We got the one percent, right?

We got, like, Palo Alto, Los Altos.

You know what I mean? Stanford area, right?

Yeah, the one percent. Yeah!

Yes. You definitely drive a Tesla. I can see it.

Yeah, the one percent right here, eh?

Then way the fuck back there, we have the 99% just...

Hayward, Richmond, East Oakland.

Yeah! Yeah, this is your landlord!

Kill him! Kill him!

Why does he keep raising the rent?

This is why I had to do it in the Bay.

Even when you're rich in the Bay, you're poor.

You could be a Google engineer making 900 grand a year,

and you have to live in a trap house in East Oakland,

and you're on OnlyFans making them cheeks clap

just so you can pay rent.

Just so you can pay this uncle rent.

and we're still a functioning society.

How?

where you can type in the address of someone you're jealous of...

and you can see their mortgage payment.

Dude, we're never gonna own.

Millennials, Gen Z, y'all are never, never gonna own homes.

- And it's our fault. - Yup.

We fumbled the bag.

Because for years we were praying to God.

"God, please fix the housing crisis."

"Please open up the supply of available homes in this country."

And then,

in March of 2020,

God was like, "Here."

"Here's a disease that specifically kills old people."

And we were like, "No!"

"Wear a mask!"

"Save Grandma!"

"Stop the spread!"

Let it spread.

Let God cook.

Yeah, we're idiots, Californians. We're fucking idiots.

Look at all the states that were anti-mask.

Plenty of homes.

Nevada, Georgia, Florida.

Plenty of homes.

Plenty of dead grandmas.

These people accept God's blessings.

All I'm saying is if you were pro-mask, you cannot complain about housing prices.

What do you want?

You wanna save Grandma or you want a backyard?

You can't have both.

Dude, the same problem with the housing market,

these fucking Boomers will not die,

is the same problem with the US government.

- These fucking Boomers will not die. -

Our entire government

is just a mass nursing home-dot-gov.

I mean, it's fucking...

Uncle, why are you clapping?

That's you. You're like, "Yeah!"

What?

Even he's like, "They're too old, man!"

This is gonna come out right before the election.

People are arguing about the president. Fucking zoom out. Look at Congress.

There's 535 members of Congress, and they're all old as fuck.

Dude, Nancy Pelosi is 84 years old.

Is anyone here 84 years old?

Yeah, of course not! Yes, it's 7:00 p.m. Of course not!

It's seven o'clock. You're asleep. Of course you're not here.

Why would you be here? Why the fuck would you be here?

People are like, "Oh, Hasan, you're really ageist."

"That really age..."

Yeah, I am capital-A ageist.

Write about it. Substack it. Make it the headline.

"I am age..." Age matters.

Ask Drake.

It is a pertinent detail.

Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought we were the science people.

Progressives, "Trust the science."

"Believe the science. Don't let your kids on social media."

"The synapses in their brain..."

"The synapses in their brain are still develo..."

"The synapses."

Senator Chuck Grassley is 90 years old.

What do you think the synapse...?

What...

He has the MRI brain scan of an NFL quarterback.

It's fucking applesauce up there.

Why don't we treat our politicians

the same way we treat our professional athletes?

Here in America, the moment you lose just a little bit of edge as an athlete,

we fucking turn on you.

Within two years.

Even the GOATs, right?

Michael Jordan with the Wizards.

Kobe with the Achilles.

Look at the way that we treated Tom Brady.

The moment Tom Brady

couldn't give us an eighth Super Bowl,

we were like, "Brady, you got two more years."

This motherfucker lost to the Rams, right?

"One more year, Brady."

Then this motherfucker lost to the Cowboys.

"Bring this old geezer to the back of the shed."

"Let's put two bullets into his skull."

"Let's tear apart his marriage. Let's ridicule his children."

"Let's roast his ass on Netflix in 190 countries

and just piss all over his legacy."

Just, "Tudum!"

Now look at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Eighty-seven years old!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg battled cancer,

five times in the last 20 years of her life.

And Barack Obama was like,

"Please, Ruth, for the love of God,

retire so I can replace you."

And this geriatric coffin-dodger

was like, "Fuck you, Barry."

"I'll see you in fucking hell."

And every progressive was like, "Yas, queen!"

"Notorious RBG."

If we treated Ruth Bader Ginsburg the same way we treated Tom Brady,

abortion would still be legal in all 50 states.

You know what's interesting?

Depending on where I do that joke,

the audience reacts very differently.

Sometimes when I do that joke, Trump fans get mad at me.

Sometimes Biden fans get mad at me.

But here's my thing.

Why are you a fan?

You know? Like, you're like a fan of a president.

You have like a T-shirt. You have like a poster on the wall.

Like, "This is my guy!"

"He's my..."

Like, being a fan of a politician

is like being a fan of a national bank.

Imagine walking through downtown San Jose

and seeing some loser with a T-shirt.

Just like, "Citibank!"

You see another guy, "No, fuck you, bro! Wells Fargo!"

"Do you wanna be on the right side of history?"

It's like, dude, I've banked with both.

They will disappoint you for different reasons.

Because I've met these people.

I've met all of them.

I'm part of the Illuminati.

They all reach out to me during election season.

They think I'm the brown whisperer.

They think if we have lunch, I'll blow the conch.

Know what I mean? I'll be like...

"Browns...

we must vote for Andrew Yang!"