Mom

- Previously on Mom... - I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Bon... - Bonnie Plunkett?!

You ruined my life!

You got me kicked out of that house.

No, no, you got kicked out because

you stole our foster father's wallet.

No, you stole his wallet and planted it

- in my book bag. - Oh, yeah.

I went to the prison officials and explained

your attack on me was totally justified.

- Do you still draw? - What?

You used to draw all those crazy snakes everywhere.

Remember I drew one on the neck of that

crazy redheaded guy when he was asleep?

- What was his name? - I don't remember. Man, he was psycho.

- Good in bed, though. - Yeah, he was.

_

Sorry I'm late.

I got everything on your list, so if the guards tell you

there were no Skittles, then your conspiracy theory

becomes cold, hard fact.

Don't need 'em, don't care.

I'm getting out of this place.

You're escaping? Are you using my plan?

I swear, it'll work.

No, I got parole.

How? I mean, great!

Yeah. Yeah, fourth time's the charm.

Turns out, you throw enough Bible quotes at them,

and who punched who during what riot just fades away.

Well, hallelujah.

That's fantastic news.

Yeah, and none of it would've happened without you.

- Me? - Yeah. Before you came back in my life,

I had no idea people like us could change,

but then I look at you and the life

you've built for yourself, and it gives me hope.

You're my role model.

Oh, damn it, why is Marjorie never around

when I'm being praised?

So, uh, what's the deal? When do you get out?

Next Wednesday, 4:00 a.m.

The big gate opens, I get my pocketknife back,

and the shuttle takes me to the halfway house.

- 4:00 a.m.? - Yeah, they save a breakfast that way.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Crazy idea:

What if instead of the halfway house,

I pick you up and you come live with me?

Really?

H-How can I be a role model

if you're not around to see me work my magic?

You better not be messing with me,

because I would totally love that.

This is a decision that should probably

take some thought, but let's do it.

Man, I would hug you if there wasn't

bulletproof glass between us.

Oh, come on, what the hell? Oh, no.

I-If you knew what's been rubbed on that glass,

- you might not want to... - Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

- It's, uh, it's pretty moist. - Yeah.

Listen, I have to be the first share

at the meeting tonight and then I'm splitting.

We're allowed to leave if we get bored?

You two mind if I go before you?

I'm not leaving because I'm bored.

If I catch the first half of the AA meeting,

I can catch the second half of my Gamblers Anonymous meeting

before I go home and read 300 sexy pages of property law.

May I remind you that any problem

can be an opportunity for growth.

May I remind you, most of your day is drinking tea

while sitting still.

I'm hungry.

You're eating.

I'm tired.

- Hey. - Hey. - Hey.

200 miles with the windows open,

I still smell like jail.

That what that is?

I thought it was Wendy's soup.

Oh, I thought it was your spray tan.

So...

- How is Tammy doing? - She's getting out.

You're kidding; that's great.

Yeah, good for her.

You know what's even better for her? Me.

Challenge.

Accepted.

Turns out she looks up to me.

She says she wouldn't even be getting out

if it weren't for the positive impact I've had on her life.

To be fair, she wouldn't have been in there if it weren't

for the "positive impact" you had on her life.

Oh, roasted and toasted.

Do you want to hear my story or not?

Can you skip the part about you?

Ooh! Wendy with the three-pointer.

Instead of landing in a halfway house,

Tammy's gonna live with me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Me," as in us? 'Cause "us" includes me.

Yeah. I mean, what kind of person would I be

if I left her on her own?

Well, the kind of person you usually are.

If you high-five one more person,

I'm gonna poke you right in the boob.

I'm actually fine with you bringing her home.

Really? Because I spent the whole drive over here

fighting with you in my head about this.

I will never get over the things you said.

Mom, I get it. You're being of service.

Which is what the program tells us to do.

But I want to be perfectly clear.

She's your responsibility.

You feed her, you walk her,

you clean up after her.

Understood. You won't have to do a thing; I got this.

I'm sure you don't. But let's crash forward anyway.

Ooh, y'all gonna be living with a felon.

You better hide all your expensive st...

Never mind.

- Morning. - Hey.

Man, your mom blew out of here in the middle of the night.

Yeah, I heard her trip over the metal chair in the courtyard.

Hard to believe she was once a burglar.

So, tell me about Tammy. What am I in for?

Huge, pushy, loose cannon...

Well-intentioned, but a little scary.

So, in other words, Bonnie.

Yeah, but fresh out of the cage.

Yikes. Permission to get high?

Granted.

Damn!

Who the hell left a chair tipped over

in the middle of the courtyard?!

Here we are. Welcome to our humble abode.

- Dog! - Tammy!

Come back; he's harmless.

Sorry, uh, dogs and me have never been

on the same page. Uh...

Don't worry; he loves everybody.

Uh, lot of challenges today; just power through.

Hi, I'm Tammy.

- Adam. - Oh, the touch of a man.

Sorry.

Sorry, that one just snuck up on me.

Hey, Christy.

- Hi, Tammy, welcome. - Uh, so, give me the tour.

Well, this is the part we're proud of.

Oh. You should be.

I mean, you got furniture, a TV.

I can stretch my arms out and not touch the walls.

Okay, bathroom's over here, couch pulls out,

and you're welcome to anything in the fridge.

The rice in the Tupperware is for the dog, just know that.

Super cool of you guys to let me stay here.

Bring it in, Big Sauce. Ah.

Oh!

Sh-She, she calls me Big Sauce.

Well, I'm off to law school.

Wait, you're in law school?

That's right, Tammy. I can be inspiring, too.

Okay. So, you want to unpack your, uh, suitcase?

Nah, it's just a toothbrush and a catsuit

that doesn't fit me anymore.

Hey, were you serious about the fridge?

- Anything you want. - Awesome. Thank you.

Friend.

Friend. F-Friend.

So?

I like her. She's got a lot of energy.

Well, she's a little overexcited right now; she'll calm down.

Whoa, what the hell's coconut water?!

Wait till she spots the almond milk.

Oh, my God!

I just can't believe a dead pet comes back in my dream

and has nothing to say to me.

I also had a sex dream about the parking guy at Neiman's.

I forgot to get my ticket validated

and it just went on from there.

Anyway.

Desperate for sex, miss my dog, grateful to be sober, thanks.

Okay, who else would like to share?

- Get in there, kid. - Oh, okay, sure.

Hey, uh, Tammy, alcoholic.

Hi, Tammy.

Wow, I just... I can't believe

I'm sitting here out in the world,

living in a really nice place thanks to this

Wonder Woman right here. Is it okay that I say that?

- It's your share. - Okay.

Uh, anyway.

I got sober in prison, so, uh, doing the program

on the outside's a little scary.

There's so many new ways to get wasted now.

I mean, cotton candy-flavored vodka?