M*A*S*H

I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton.

As one of thousands of, uh, brave Americans

fighting in this scrap here in Korea,

I have the honor to command a group of courageous,

hard‐working medical men, surgeons in uniform

using their skill to repair the damage of war.

The film you're about to see

is a true case of their service in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you

as it was to me, their leader.

All right, cut. Save the lights.

Beautiful. General, Lovely.

You're giving this little documentary real class.

Well, good, Lieutenant.

I want to cooperate in any way I can.

I appreciate that, sir.

Oh, uh, I even brought that list you wanted.

Now look, these are MASH units under my command.

I think I know just the outfit you need‐‐

The 4077th. Very high fitness record.

Commanded by a dear friend of mine

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

He heads up the best surgical team

in the whole damn war. Real soldiers.

‐You dance beautifully. ‐Thank you. So do you.

You're gonna be in town for the whole convention?

Turn that thing off, will ya?

Just keep shaving, Frank.

Hey, you're a terrific dipper.

Oh, yeah.

After 18 hours in an operating room,

where do you find the energy?

Can't help it, Frank. We're the crazy generation.

Who's been using my razor?

I cannot tell a lie. It was I.

I told you before to leave my stuff alone!

Oh, Frank, he only used it to shave his legs.

Oh, you guys.

‐Oh. ‐He's so fresh.

Ten‐hut.

Hiya, Henry.

Hiya, Henry.

At ease, men.

Uh, this is Lieutenant Bricker.

Lieutenant Bricker, this is Major Burns.

Hi. How are ya?

‐Captain McIntyre. ‐Nice to see ya.

‐How are ya? ‐And, uh, Captain Pierce.

‐How you been? ‐How are ya? Nice to see you.

Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.

Uh, surgeon?

Well, I hope so.

We don't need a gynecologist.

No, Lieutenant Bricker is with Special Services.

He's a movie director.

Well, welcome anyway.

Thank you.

Um, officers and doctors?

That's what it says on my box of leeches.

The lieutenant's on, uh, special assignment.

He's making a documentary on MASH units.

And, uh, General Clayton said he couldn't make

a better choice than the old 4077th, huh?

Was he sober when he said it?

I wanna tell your story, focusing on one doctor

but, um, showing all of you, of course.

Now, any of you done any acting?

You dirty rat!

You come in here and you ask if we've ever‐‐

You dirty rat, if we've ever done any acting?

Why, you dirty‐‐ That's not too bad, is it?

I never saw Carmen Miranda done any better.

Now, cut that out.

I've had a little experience, lieutenant.

Uh, amateur production in college.

I played Romeo.

And Juliet.

Well, that's, uh‐‐ that's interesting, Major.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact,

I did dramatics in high school, too.

For a while there, it was a toss‐up

whether I'd be a doctor or an actor.

What finally happened?

Shut him up.

Well, Frank is a fine surgeon and a first‐rate officer.

But he's nothing in a tight sweater.

How'd you like to have a shot at this, captain?

Who, me? No, I'm sorry.

I'm under contract to North Korea...

as a spy.

Sense of humor, huh?

Moves well. Good skin tone.

Yeah, but I promised Fred I'd never dance with anybody but him.

It's for the old 4077th, Pierce.

Could be laughs.

Aw, come on!

Well, if you don't do it, he's gonna give it to Frank.

Okay, that does it! You got me, Bricker.

Fine. We'll start right away.

Gee, I was standing around, minding my own business,

and all of a sudden‐‐ Poof! A star is born!

Attention, all personnel.

Attention, all personnel.

Casualties in the compound.

All personnel report on the double.

Start this guy on whole blood, stat.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Now, hold it, hold it.

Now, now, cut.

I want a shot of you conferring with another doctor.

You know what I mean? Talking it over, making a decision.

Hey, fella? Could you smile a little bit,

like you got confidence in the doctor?

Get this guy inside and prep him.

We promised MacArthur we'd get the war on schedule.

‐All right, all right, I got it. ‐All right, gimme a clamp.

Come on, give me a clamp.

Another clamp. Will you move? Come on!

That's great, fellas. Great. Keep on. Keep going.

‐How you doing? How you doing? ‐All right, I got it.

We need a little more‐‐ A little more action.

You know? Something dramatic. Huh?

Hey, Trapper, lift his appendix.

‐What? ‐I think they need a close‐up.

In fact, while you're at it, why don't you lift his gallbladder?

Maybe you can sing to his appendix.

‐Will you get out of here with that thing! ‐Move!

And the secret of making it better is in the hands

of fine corpsmen such as you,

Corporal Radar O'Reilly of Ottumwa, lowa.

‐Now, cut. ‐Well, what was wrong with that one?

Uh, you always wear those glasses?

Since I was two.

They're reflecting the lights.

Oh, isn't that interesting, sir?

The glasses were reflecting the lights.

‐Can you see without them? ‐See what?

Never mind. Keep them on.

But keep your head down so we don't get any reflection.

But look up at the Colonel.

But keep your head down.

Look up at the Colonel.

Keep your head down.

Look up at the Colonel.

What do we have here? His‐and‐her majors?

Not interrupting, are we?

No.

Uh, the major was helping me

with the narration for the documentary.

Uh, Bricker asked me to do it.

He's a fantastic performer.

Really? And can he act, too?

‐Give us a taste, Frank. ‐Yeah, oh, come on.

Go ahead, Frank. Show them.

(clearing throat, humming)

Skip that part.

"A group of brave men are at work

"in a makeshift operating room,

"struggling to save your sons and brothers,

"while, outside, the dogs of war

"bark at the door of this sanctuary..."

Down, boy! Down, down!

Roll over.

(barking, indistinct chatter)

"These are the saints in surgical garb."

"Dedicated surgeons, all volunteers."

"Every red‐blooded American knows, if he is wounded,

"he will be in the strong, capable hands

"of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."

A Yankee Doodle Doctor?

You didn't like it?

Didn't like it?

Let me count the ways.

That's hardly a constructive criticism.

Oh, you want a constructive criticism.

You're right.

How about "You stink"?

And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.

Stinks?

Oh, you, you‐‐

Who are you calling a "you‐you"?

Come on, Frank. We'll rehearse in my tent.

Take it easy, kids.

Save a little something for the show.

Did you hear that garbage?

‐It's nothing but a bunch of lies. ‐I know.

They're making a fairy‐tale documentary.

‐"All volunteers." ‐Yeah...

When they came to get me I was hiding under the front porch,

trying to puncture my eardrum with an ice pick.

All right, look, we've been had.

The picture's finished, and that's that.

What?

I don't think it's quite finished enough,

if you get my drift.

Hawkeye: First, we get a hold of Radar.

Do you mind if I sit here?

Uh, sir?

‐Do you have a minute? ‐For what?

Oh, well, I was wondering if you have any tips