I Hate Suzie

‫Who is it, Suzie?

‫I want, I want you to tell me. ‫I want you to feel safe.

‫Whatever happens, I will not be angry. ‫Ok? Go.

‫It's Carter.

‫- Are you very angry? ‫- I'm not angry.

‫- Hm? ‫- Because you should be.

‫Who else knows?

‫- Well, he knows obviously. That it's him. ‫- Mm.

‫- And Naomi knows? ‫- No.

‫Well, I think she may have ‫found out just because I told her.

‫Hm, ok. ‫If we're gonna make this work...

‫you have to tell me the truth.

‫Cos I know we have a beautiful child ‫and a beautiful home...

‫I don't care about any of that.

‫Although, I mean, obviously ‫I care about the child.

‫So, that being said, obviously you can't ‫work with him anymore.

‫- Obviously. ‫- Mm.

‫Obviously. In the future.

‫You can't keep doing the show, Suze.

‫- No, but I just mean financially... ‫- We both know it's the shitty

‫genre thing where your breasts get ‫covered in blood every few episodes

‫- it's not exactly... ‫- Yeah, I know. I just mean

‫I just mean like in sort of... house

‫bills, life being possible ‫scheme of things.

‫- Well, I have a job. ‫- Yeah.

‫Not that you've ever ‫been to campus or seen it.

‫- But I promise I do have a job. ‫- Yeah, I know and that's great.

‫It's just it doesn't...

‫It's not my fault the world values ‫the wrong things, is it?

‫And we're about to start a second series.

‫- What the f... ‫- It's what they'll say

‫Consequences are hard.

‫- What is that?! What fucking is that? ‫- It's the landline. It's the phone.

‫- Hello? ‫- It's me, it's me. How are you doing?

‫- Oh god. Hi. Er, fine, yeah. ‫- "Quick update."

‫"I've called all the papers ‫and pointed out the photos are stolen."

‫"So if they print, we sue."

‫But I just had to yell at one guy ‫for printing a photo of your house

‫to illustrate the story cos they're sulking ‫they can't run with you sucking a dick.

‫Is, is, is it recognisable? ‫The house I mean not the dick.

‫Yeah, yeah, no, the street ‫name's on it and everything.

‫Oh, fuck.

‫Yeah, but I'm all over it ‫I'm going to get you in a room

‫with some Reputation ‫Management people.

‫Ugh, god. ‫So I pay for that, do I?

‫Yeah, or we go the other way.

‫"We go front foot. Take control. ‫Refuse to be shamed."

‫You publish a nude ‫we publish a nude.

‫You send one of ours to the sex hospital, ‫we send one of yours to the sex morgue.

‫I, I publish more nudes? I haven't got ‫any more nudes. I take more nudes?

‫- "Er, noo... I meant..." ‫- Hey! Sorry, one minute, one minute.

‫Hey! Oh, wow!

‫Did you draw this at school?

‫- Oh! Baby! ‫- "Suze? Hello? Suze?"

‫Just to go back, so my address ‫is out there?

‫Yeah. Er, and also, I looked up ‫Sarah Jones just to check her out.

‫Her Instagram shows her as blonde now ‫and always wearing a yellow jacket.

‫- Sorry a yellow jacket? ‫- Yeah, so don't freak out.

‫"It looks like she's obsessed with ‫Gemma Collins now, which is great."

‫Oh, that's nice, stalking the stalker.

‫Er... ok, look, I, I'll call you... ‫yeah, I'll call you back.

‫"No, no..."

‫Come here, come here, ‫come here, come here.

‫Did you draw this?

‫Because I know you said you drew this ‫and I love you whatever, ok, but no lying.

‫You must tell the truth. ‫Did you draw this? Or did you find it?

‫Where? Where? Frank, where?

‫Cut! Reset, we're going to go again.

‫Ok, ok. Suzie, look, it's feeling casual.

‫Can you scream while you're running? ‫You know, really vocalise the terror.

‫- Scream? ‫- The idea being that

‫- you're screaming for help so... ‫- Yeah, erm... no, it's just like...

‫sorry, screaming and running, but I'm...

‫I'm, I'm trying to lose him though ‫so it... you know.

‫- Sorry, Suzie... ‫- I mean, the screaming

‫that's just gonna bring ‫him to me, right?

‫- It sort of negates the running? ‫- No, I think it doubles it!

‫Yeah, I mean, I don't think I've ever actually ‫screamed in my life ever if I've been afraid.

‫What, so you're saying screaming ‫isn't associated with fear?

‫No, I'm not. I'm just saying that it's not ‫it's not something would do.

‫- What would you do? ‫- Erm, what if I was er...

‫If you were being chased ‫by a Nazi zombie, yeah.

‫I'd hide.

‫Almost like there's something not as ‫dramatic about staying still as there is

‫- about running and screaming. ‫- It's trying to find her? Kill her?

‫- Tension's dramatic. ‫- We're set up for the run.

‫Yeah, I mean, just... ‫you do your... you do it. I, I'm...

‫- You're saying that's what you'd do? ‫- Yeah, I'm saying that.

‫Yeah, I would just, like, find ‫somewhere and wait and hope.

‫I'd hope they didn't find... ‫hope they didn't find me.

‫- Let's set up for that then. ‫- That's massive...

‫It's a better scene.

‫- Sorry, Daniel. ‫- Ok, guys changing set up.

‫Suzie! Sorry, there's a woman ‫looking for you, visiting set?

‫- What does she look like? ‫- Uh, I don't know really...

‫Does she have blonde hair ‫yellow jacket?

‫- I'm not sure, I haven't seen her. ‫- Does she look a bit like...

‫Oh, I don't even know ‫what you say nowadays

‫- but look sort of day release, stalker... ‫- I don't know, I'm sorry.

‫- Suze! Yeah. ‫- Yeah?

‫- Suze. ‫- We need more zombies, mate...

‫I'm so sorry. ‫I am so fucking sorry.

‫- Are you, are you very angry? ‫- Are you kidding?

‫I'm incanfuckingdescent! ‫Not with you!

‫Do they know what bastards done this? I will ‫find them and, and physically arse-rape them.

‫Ok, thanks but... ‫you, you don't have to do that.

‫I know.

‫Naomi's on the tech and the law stuff. ‫So I'm just, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

‫Look, I don't care, ‫I don't care who sees my cock, Suze.

‫This is unbelievable ‫what's happened to you

‫and I want you to know you ‫have everyone's support here.

‫If anyone says a single thing to you ‫or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way

‫- I'll fire them. ‫- Thank you, thank you.

‫But no, don't. Er, don't do that.

‫I mean, doesn't your wife ‫have any suspicions?

‫I don't think she's even heard anything.

‫She doesn't read celebrity news ‫and all that stuff.

‫Well, I had to tell Cob.

‫I did, you know, I had to tell him and...

‫- I mean, it was, it was pretty... ‫- You must have had a nightmare.

‫Yeah, it was bad. And I told him ‫it had happened like three times.

‫And that it was completely ‫over between us.

‫- And is that true? ‫- Three just sounded like a believable number.

‫I mean the last part?

‫- It's me! It's me, I have lanyards. Hi. ‫- Hi! Hi, babe.

‫Great, great. You remember ‫you know Carter?

‫More intimately now. You won't remember ‫we met at the...

‫Of course, I remember. ‫Naomi Jones. Born Naomi Duribchi.

‫Your erm, your hair is longer.

‫Ok, what do you want ‫a memory medal?

‫Look, can I just say if there's ‫anything I can do at all?

‫If making some sort ‫of statement helps?

‫It doesn't help. It doesn't look great, ‫whatever way. Fucking the boss.

‫The boss fucking her. Old school, new school, ‫it's not a great school to go to.

‫- I'm not her boss. ‫- You're married with four kids.

‫Actually one of his kids is... ‫just died.

‫- Shit. Sorry. ‫- Yeah. Thing is, I love her. Naomi.

‫I really fucking love her.

‫I took a photo of us making love because ‫I, I love her fucking smile

‫and yes, I love it near my penis, ‫and so we took pictures with her phone

‫because I wanted her to see how ‫beautiful she looked doing those things

‫which is my biggest regret ‫because this would never...

‫- Shhh. ‫- And now I feel like absolute shit.

‫But I am a shit that loves her, top to bottom. ‫So you tell me what you need.

‫I need a place to talk to the ‫police who get here in minus ten.

‫Erm, ok, but we're about to set up ‫the shot...

‫No, it's ok, it's fine.

‫- You can use my trailer. ‫- Great.

‫I, I know what you're thinking ‫and no we haven't had sex in here.

‫- Well, it smells like someone has. ‫- It's the fucking septic tank.

‫Ok, just so you know ‫I'm probably gonna have to leave the show.

‫- What show? ‫- This show.

‫You know, it's not, it's not workable. ‫I mean you can imagine.

‫No! No, no, no. ‫Do you want to leave the show?

‫No, I don't wanna leave the show. ‫Of course, I don't wanna leave the show!

‫It's my only job apart from the Disney job.

‫Yeah, ok, so... yeah, ‫I wrote to Disney...

‫- Oh god. ‫- explaining that it was fake images

‫but turns out they're a bit of an expert on ‫what's real and what's not onscreen, who knew.

‫Oh, shit.

‫- Yes! ‫- Sorry, Suzie

‫- There's a police officer here for ya! ‫- Oh yeah, yeah.

‫It's exciting, isn't it!

‫- Hi. ‫- This is Suzie.

‫- I'm PC Simon Niven. ‫- Hi, it's me.

‫- It's nice to meet you... in person. ‫- Nice to meet you.

‫I mean, as opposed to on telly ‫not in those photos.

‫- No, I mean, I get that. I get that. ‫- I'm gonna return you your phone.

‫Great, great.

‫There, there's no malware on it, no indication ‫that anyone has broken into the device itself.

‫We trust you, obviously ‫there's been an invasion of privacy.

‫- You trust us? ‫- Yeah, I mean, why would we be lying?

‫Oh, no. No, no, no.

‫The cloud you back everything up on ‫has clearly been compromised.

‫Do you use the same password ‫for that as for everything else?

‫- Yeah, I mean, it's my password. ‫- Er, yeah. Yeah, that's just not ideal.

‫Yeah, no, I know they tell you ‫to have like multiple passwords

‫but it's just not realistic. ‫You know, I'm not, I'm not a computer brain.

‫I'm not, I can't remember all these things ‫all the time, like names and passwords

‫- lowercase, you know and now punctuation... ‫- Yeah, but it's, it's...

‫it's illegal, isn't it?

‫- It's stolen property. ‫- Yeah. Well. Interesting.

‫We actually have quite a small digital ‫team in the Metropolitan Police.

‫Ok, so you're not going ‫to do fucking anything?

‫We, we will investigate but we, we do have to ‫focus resources on terrorism and paedophilia.

‫Of course, of course.

‫Unfortunately, we can't afford to ‫prioritise crimes

‫where the victims contribute ‫to their own victimisation.

‫Ok, so the skirt ‫on her phone's a bit short?

‫Well, maybe, I can help?

‫How about a nice image ‫to put online?

‫A photo from the set of AfterDeath ‫is bound to get more hits!

‫- Yeah, sure. Come over here. ‫- Yeah, there you go...

‫yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ‫Ah, nice one for us. Cheers, cheers.

‫Yeah, how do you the...?

‫- Let me do it cos... here we go. ‫- Sorry, this is because of my mates.

‫- No, it's alright. ‫- I'll be a zombie!

‫- That's cracking, that. ‫- There you go, mate.

‫That's great. ‫Thanks so much, thank you very much.

‫- Thank you. ‫- Great to meet you, you know.