Big Mouth

- Oh, hey. - Hello.

Oh, is that... ? Going to take care of it.

I need this so bad.

You don't know how far I came.

If I can close my eyes, I can...

Oh, really?

Yeah, honey. Yeah, honey... yeah...

Oh, we fucking came together.

And that's pretty much how it happened.

So, life started because a giant alien had sex with the Earth?

I don't know. That sounds like Scientology.

Yup, of everyone they got the closest.

As you know, the science fair next week is a chance to embrace

the true spirit of experimentation.

- Science fair buddies again? - You want an A.

- I'm fine with a C. - And we'll end up with a B.

What... what's this? What are we doing now?

- We're doing a fist bump. - Ah.

Because the football program

has taken part of our budget for legal fees,

this year we'll be breaking up into teams of three.

Devin is mine!

Guys, over here!

I don't think we can work with Jessi.

Yeah, it will be impossible to spend all that time with her

and not tell her what we saw.

That we saw her mom lez out with another woman?

I put it in our spank bank. It's all digital now.

Hand down. You're with me, Glazer.

We just need a third. Like an idiot to make fun of.

Okay. So, who were you thinking? Ooh, the Go-Gurt burglar?

- - No, his geisha giggle weirds me out.

I was thinking... male Frida.

- Andrew! Nick! Guys, over here! - Oh, Jay?

- Oh, I don't know. - He's perfect.

He's ridiculous, and he's kind of cute, right?

- Eww. No. - Oh, come on.

He's like a sexy Neanderthal. Jay! Get over here!

- You're on our team. - Fuck yes! Ha ha!

Chosen! Hey, Nick, Andrew, I'm joining Matthew's team.

We're gonna bury you fags.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, shit, Jessi and Jay are both taken.

- Oh. -

That's it, Missy. She's really smart.

- Missy, do you want to be our partner? - Whoa! Really?

- Oh, yeah, I like that. - I can't work with Missy.

Come on, do a little work, kissy-kissy, ride her aboard, humpy-humpy.

No, no, no, no! She makes me very nervous.

I get all dizzy, and I don't know if I'm gonna barf or cum in my pants.

Either way, it's sweet release.

- Hi, Andrew. - Hi, Missy. I want...

- -

- Welcome to the team. - Thanks.

I really can't wait to...

- -

Oh. That was a little vomit,

and I think it happened because I am truly excited

to join you in this odyssey of inquiry and exploration.

Stay away from Devin.

- -

Anyway, as far as water coolers go,

you see that new Seinfeld yesterday?

That show has been off the air for years.

Yeah, well, there was a new one on WGN last night.

Kramer, you know, the cool one, he ordered a coffee that was so hot,

he's gonna sue the place, you know,

which I thought was extreme, but...

Yeah, uh, okay.

Anyway, speaking of coffee, I'm a Sanka man.

I'm a Keurig lady.

Whoa! Is there banter happening here?

Miss Benitez weighs in with the Keurig.

That's a tough word to say.

Well, you could just say K-cups.

Uh-oh! She said it again! Saying stuff directly to me! K-cups!

That's for Keur... Keurig. Courage.

You give me courage.

Oh, thanks, Steve.

I'm looking for some help with the science fair.

Okay, I'll do it, AKA sign me up,

AKA I am not able to sign myself up, AKA I cannot read.

Well, maybe I can help you with that.

Well, that would be...

Are you okay, Steve?

Am I okay? Nobody has ever asked me that before.

You know what? Spoiler alert,

I am gonna help you with that science fair,

but it's not gonna be "science fair."

Spoiler alert, it's gonna be "science awesome."

That's so funny, Steve.

Sorry about that. That's the Sanka coming back up.

You're the man, Steve.

No, you're the man, my Hormone Monster dude.

Are you gonna eat that vomit?

Okay. For our project,

I'm thinking we do the science of three pointers.

Andrew and I will shoot hoops, and, Missy, you can do the math.

Oh, boy, look at her going to town on that hummus and celery.

Two can play at that game.

Suck down a couple of those loose scallops that Daddy packed for you.

No, gross. I will not eat in front of her.

- It's too embarrassing. - May I propose a project?

What if we made a model of the Yellowstone Caldera?

It's a super volcano, and when it blows,

the ash cloud will destroy farmland,

- clog rivers and suffocate entire cities. - That sounds devastating.

I'll send you some really troubling links.

I'd like that. I'd like that very much.

Okay, we've got two solid options,

super volcano or shooting threes.

Those in favor of super volcano?

- Uh, I'm sorry. - Okay.

Two betas beat one alpha, good to know.

All right, dum-dums,

I don't even know if you can handle the idea that I've got.

Jessi, can we handle it?

I'm wearing a second pair of underwear. Let's do this.

Good call, 'cause I'm about to shit your pants.

Our project is about the magic of teleportation.

First off, confusing science and magic... mmwah!

But we have a big problem.

Jessi and I are too scared to lead the presentation.

I could do it. I could do it. Jay will do it.

Oh, thank goodness.

And I was thinking we should just wear, like,

our regular boring clothes, right?

Oh, my God. What are you, crazy?

Matthew and I will be wearing matching vests and shiny shirts.

And Jessi will be wearing a tight little skirt... ooh.

Unless you wanna wear the skirt, Matthew,

but I think gay and trans are different?

No, no, they are the same and you should tell people that.

- I will. - This is fun.

But if we don't have an actual project, we're gonna get an F.

Oh, Marnie. Shout-out to Girls.

Relax, our project is right in front of us.

We're gonna make a science documentary.

- - The Delusion of Illusion:

The Lonely World of a Child Magician.

So, you and Missy, huh?

What about me and Missy?

Ah, come on, you wanna slam-dunk her pussy.

- Jesus. - Come on, Andrew. You obviously like her.

I don't like her. I just...

I just think about her all the time and my ears get hot...

Yeah, and your dick gets hot too. Oh, maybe it's got a fever.

Stick a thermometer in its little mouth.

Ugh! That sounds so painful.

You like her. You should ask her out.

I'm definitely not doing that. What if she says no?

Dude, she'll say yes.

That's even worse, Nick, 'cause then we'll date,

and I'll tell her all my secrets, and then we'll break up,

and she'll tell everyone else my secrets,

and then the whole school will know

about these milk baths my mom gives me for eczema.

- Andrew, may I be blunt? - But, of course.

Opportunities like this might be somewhat rare for you.

What are you saying? That most of the time I'm gonna like girls

and they won't like me back so I should seize this opportunity?

- Yeah, that makes sense. - Yes, Andrew, seize the day,

and here's how you're gonna do it.

Okay. So here's the key. Missy is at the baseline.

You're gonna pass it down to her. That's asking her out.

She's gonna do a spin move. That's her saying yes,

- and then that's a dick. - Wow, I didn't see that coming.

Oh, you wanna see it coming? Yeah, give me a sec.

Huh?

Andrew, what are you doing here?

- It's nearly 9:00. - I couldn't sleep.

Me, neither. I don't know about you,

but I was thinking about the Caldera

and how we need to savor every moment

before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.

Ejecta? Oh, she wants it.

- You should take out your penis. - Oh, Christ, please, just let me do this.

- Okay, well, I'll take out my penis. - Shh, shh!

Missy, I think that you're a very cool person

whom I enjoy spending time with.

- You think that? - I do, and I wanted to ask you

if it's not a bother currently, if perhaps you would be my girlfriend?

- Does that mean yes? - Yes, I would like that very much.

- - Oh, boy. Did you feel that?

Do you think it was an earthquake?

No, Missy, I think it was us.

I know, and...

What's this feeling?

Wow.

I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow.

If we make it to tomorrow.

Ooh-oooh...

Good night, Missy.