Blue Mountain State

Bring the fight to them.

Now, what if--

- Is that Debra? - Yeah.

She texting you naked pictures again?

Maybe.

Do you want us to give you a minute?

Yeah, just a minute.

Jon Jon, I just got this phone.

Where's the camera?

- It's-- it's right there. - Oh.

- Like this? - Yeah.

Just don't get your face in the picture, Marty.

This new technology can be dangerous.

I got ya.

Whoa, no! What?

Hey, guys, I think somebody just sent me a picture

of their--

Oh my God.

Can you feel that?

You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy.

Why are you talking to me right now?

Anyways, it's kind of ridiculous.

- You know-- - Hi!

I don't believe we've met before. I'm Alex Moran.

Anyways, so as I was saying--

I'm the starting quarterback on the football team,

- So uh-- - Look, I know who you are.

And I'm not interested in being one of your conquests.

I think I'm worth a little more than a quick bang

with some football player.

Who said I was quick?

You want me, you're gonna have to put in

a little bit of effort.

Give me this.

Call me tomorrow

and you can ask me to dinner.

Dinner?

I've got a leftover burrito in my room!

All right, let's think about this.

A coach sends a player a picture of his dick.

What does it mean?

- Good job. - Practice harder?

It's a dick pic. He wants to bang you.

Duh.

Hey, everything all right, man?

I just got turned down by the hottest girl here.

Did you tell her you're the starting QB?

Yeah, of course.

Then she asked me to put in a little effort.

- Ooh. - Right?

Send her a dick pic.

Yeah. She just asked me to invite her to dinner.

I think taking a picture of my penis is hardly the best response.

Harmon, before you got that dick pic,

how much of your day was spent thinking about coach in a sexual way?

- 1% tops. - Now?

He's the only person I've thought about sexually in the last eight hours.

- See? - No no no, Moran is right. Dick pic don't work.

- Thank you. - If it's not working,

it's because you're not doing them right.

The main thing to consider when taking a dick pic is,

"what do I want my penis to say?

Am I portraying strength?

Sensitivity? Intelligence?"

First, let me show you the wrong way to do it.

- Oh. - Oh.

That's desperate and sad.

Yeah, very favre-ish.

That's because I didn't try.

The key is effort, gentlemen.

Me, I like to think about the girl a little

before taking the shot. That way, she can sense it's for her.

Plus, it gets me a little fluffy.

And since your hand is gonna be in the shot,

You'll want to spruce it up a bit.

Chick with big cans in the quad this morning.

Ho ho ho.

Yeah. Coach's looked about that good.

That's because he was thinking about you when he took it, Harmon.

And he followed the three rules:

One, no balls.

Two, no mass-texting.

And three, never show your face.

Ha! Oh,

Okay, with all due respect,

I couldn't disagree with you more.

Every morning I take a picture of my dick,

including my face and balls

and I send it to everyone on my phone.

- Yeah, we know. - Has it worked?

Not yet, but one day it will.

And when it does, ooh whee,

it will be magic.

You know, I'm just gonna take this girl to dinner, guys.

- Don't do it, Moran! - Yeah.

- Dick pics work! - Yeah, good talk.

I'm gonna prove it to you, Moran!

No, prove it to us!

I need to get laid.

Good morning, Sammy.

And another picture of your dick.

Fantastic.

Oh, shit.

Did you take a picture of your dick on my phone

and send it to the girl who turned me down last night?

- You can repay me later. - Oh my God, you've ruined my chances!

- Now I'll never get a shot with her! - Alex.

Oh, I'm really really sorry, all right?

I can explain. It wasn't my--

- Hmm? - Nobody's ever sent me

a picture like that before.

It was so direct,

so much effort.

You really were listening to me last night.

Really? I mean, because I have to be honest with--

Mm. I'm sorry. You were saying something?

I was saying

that I'm really glad...

that y-you liked the picture I sent you.

Yeah.

- You're welcome. - Mm-hmm.

So what happened?

We made out a little. She took me upstairs and had her way with me.

- All because of a dick pic? - Yeah! It was great.

I had to break it off with her though.

I can't date a girl who'd sleep with me because of a dick pic.

Are you crazy? She sounds perfect.

I mean, I've gotten zero response from the pic

- I sent out this morning. - Really?

I usually get, like, one death threat or something.

You know?

Hi.

Nice dick.

Here are your dicks--

- I mean, pancakes. - Thank you.

What's going on?

Oh my-- whoa-aa!

Nice dick!

Oh my God. It--

Did she mass-text that picture?!

You must've really pissed her off.

Shit. Oh shit, I gotta go.

A girl after my own heart.

Five minutes after the hour, 73° and sunny.

And we'll be back with a little more on Alex Moran's dick pic after this.

Hey.

I am amazed at how much time and money

- I've saved with this whole dick pic stuff. - Oh.

We may never have to take a girl out for dinner again.

Thad is a genius, that's all I've got to say.

A goddamn genius!

Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, there he is,

The man with the beautiful penis!

They've been talking about it on the radio all morning.

- Congrats. - It's not my dick. It's Thad's.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

I took a picture of my dick on your phone

and sent it to the girl you wanted to bang.

- Yeah, that really happened. - What are you doing?!

Might as well face it, Moran,

you have the most famous kielbasa on campus.

No. You have the most famous kielbasa on campus.

You need to tell everyone the truth. It's humiliating.

I guess technically you're right...

- Yeah. - But I would never steal

that kind of glory from a teammate.

So my kielbasa

es your kielbasa.

- What are you doing? - I found your picture on your phone, Marty.

What, I send you pictures of my tits

and you return the favor by sending some whore

- a picture of your dick?! - What are you talking about?

I sent this picture to you. You didn't get it?

You're cheating on me! God!

I cannot believe I trusted you again!

I swear! I am not cheating on you.

- I'm a saint! I'm a changed man! - Bullshit!

Your little whore likes dick pics? Huh? Yeah?

Let's see how she likes this!

Thanks for tuning in

to "The Crazy Nick & Lardass Show"

here on the college athletic network.

Lots to talk about this week.

We're gonna start by talking

about today's idiot of the day,

Mr. Alex Moran, starting quarterback and acting captain

at Blue Mountain State

for mass-texting a picture of his penis