Two and a Half Men

But I don't wanna go to summer camp!

Are you kidding? You'll have a great time.

Look at this one.

It's a computer camp with a theater program.

Ethernet by day,

"No, No, Nanette" by night.

I don't want to go to camp.

If the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go.

Yeah. He's ten.

He's old enough to work.

What?

When I was your age, I spent my summers

hosing tarantulas off bananas

in the back of my stepfather's truck.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm going to camp.

Okay.

Morning, all.

Beautiful day.

You're in a good mood.

Well, I suppose I am.

I got a little e-mail this morning

from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to "see" me.

No kidding.

I wonder if she's "knocked up."

Nobody's knocked up.

I haven't heard from her in five years.

So she's bringing you a four-year-old.

Believe me, nobody's bringing anything.

Remember Jill?

Jill the slob?

Yeah, but do you remember how hot she was?

Yeah, well, sure, she was a tight unit,

but she left dirty dishes everywhere.

Swear to God,

this broad left half-eaten casseroles

in the bathtub.

So?

With a body like that

she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to.

Wait a minute.

Isn't she the one who dumped you?

Somebody dumped Charlie?

Broke his little black heart.

It was pathetic.

She didn't dump me.

She had personal problems

and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself.

Berta?

He wept.

I did not.

I felt the appropriate amount of sadness

for a good relationship that had run its course.

I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row.

I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck.

You bring her home, you clean up after her.

Thank God you never get any.

Hey.

Hey.

What can I get for you?

White wine, please.

Maybe a Chablis.

You know, uh, make it a beer.

Light beer.

Just a beer.

Another one?

Might as well.

Looks like I'm getting stood up.

Chicks, huh?

Maybe she's got a good reason.

I'll tell you what, if it were any other woman

I'd have been out of here an hour ago.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

This girl... this girl is something different.

How so?

Well, did you ever go out with somebody

who was not only great in bed

but also like a really cool friend?

Yeah, once.

In fact, now that I think about it,

the friendship was the best part of our relationship.

No kidding.

Yeah, the sex was a little weird.

We would, like, wrestle to get on top.

She would actually get angry if she wasn't up there.

Maybe she had a good reason.

Maybe.

Charlie, look at me.

Okay, how do you know my name?

It's me.

Me, who?

No...

Yes.

Jill?

Bill.

No...

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

We're gonna need two shots of tequila.

That's okay. I don't want...

They're not for you.

Wow, this girl you're waiting for really must be something.

Just serve the hooch and mind your own business.

Listen, Charlie, I know...

Hang on.

Okay, go.

I know this comes as a shock to you.

Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me,

disappeared for five years and came back as a guy,

I'd have a nickel!

Keep 'em coming.

I think I owe you an explanation.

Who pays the nickel, by the way?

Is it you or just out of some general fund?

Charlie...

Yeah?

Remember when we broke up,

and I said it's not you, it's me?

Yes. And I believe you now.

I was so mixed up and unhappy as a woman.

So? I know lots of mixed-up, unhappy women.

They go shopping and eat ice cream.

Did you even try that?

I tried everything, Charlie.

But the truth is,

I was always a man trapped in a woman's body.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, I'm not buying this.

No. If you were really a man back then

you would have jumped at that three-way

with the cocktail waitress in Carmel.

I begged you.

You haven't changed.

Wish I could say the same.

Charlie, how could I have explained it to you back then?

I couldn't even explain it to myself.

Okay, well, now you've explained.

Thank you.

Nice to see you again.

Good luck with the penis.

Charlie... Wait.

A few minutes ago, you said I was a really cool friend.

Uh, yeah.

Well, I'm back in L.A.,

and I'm kind of starting a new life.

Uh-huh.

And I could really use a friend.

Oh, boy.

It's just, you know, I'm completely alone,

and I'm... I'm really scared.

Aw, jeez.

It's going to be okay, Jill.

Bill.

Yeah, Bill, whatever.

It's okay.

I'm still your friend.

Oh, Charlie, you're the best.

I wish I could've loved you

the way you deserve to be loved.

* Men... *

Thanks for the ride, Bill.

You're a good friend.

Hey, you called me "Bill."

Well, that's your name, lady.

Just like old times, huh?

Drag your drunk-ass home, take you upstairs,

get you undressed and...

Hey.

Oh, Alan.

You never met my brother, Alan, did you?

No, I never met anyone in your family, Charlie.

Yeah, well, different rules now.

Bill, this is my brother, Alan.

Alan, this is my old... friend, Bill.

Nice to meet you, Bill.

Same here.

I thought you were going to hook up

with that old girlfriend who wanted to "see" you.

Oh, right.

Turns out she changed her... "mind."

Anyway, I ran into my old friend Bill here.

So, uh, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill.

That's funny.

You have a sick sense of humor, Alan.

The house is clean.

I'm going home now.

I'll pick that up on Monday.

Sorry, that's mine.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, I'm outta here.

So, Bill, uh, you from around here?

I was, but I moved away for a couple years.

Now I'm planning on moving back, and buying a place.

Hello.

Evelyn Harper, Evelyn Harper Real Estate.

Oh, yeah, Mom's here.

No problem. I'm drunk.

I'm Bill Shraeder.