M*A*S*H

I've been looking forward to lunch all morning.

Breakfast here will do that. Hey, Father.

How come when you gave up amateur boxing,

you didn't give up roadwork?

This is how I stay in shape.

You know what they say: "A body's a temple."

Then isn't it sacrilegious to be sweating all over it?

I prefer my way of staying in shape.

I can benchpress a fiveounce martini.

Well, just as you drink

to deal with life's frustrations, I run.

Although I will admit

today it's not working out so well.

I'm just coming back from the orphanage.

That place is falling apart.

They don't have enough heating fuel, enough food.

They don't even have a decent roof over their heads.

Bulletin! Bulletin! Hot news is good news.

Father, your legs are gonna have company.

What is it now, Klinger?

Jessup McFarland has been assigned to the 4077th.

Great! He can take my place, whoever he is.

Jessup McFarland just happens to be

a worldclass hundredyarddash man from Ohio State.

This is amazing.

Just yesterday,

as I was elbowdeep in my sixth bowel resection,

it occurred to me.

What this hospital really needs

is a good hundredyarddash man.

But you don't understand.

He barely missed making the '52 Olympics

by a tenth of a second.

Who cares? What's with him?

Ah, you know how he is.

Little things get him down: war, orphans.

Well, I got just the thing to pick up everybody's spirits.

See, the 8063rd MASH

has a real good sprinter Earl LeMasters.

They love to sucker the other units

into putting somebody up to race against him.

Now we'll have McFarland,

but they won't know McFarland's coming.

Get the picture? Oh, sure.

We bet the 8063rd

that our best man can beat their best man.

Right.

They'll think we're being conned

'cause they won't know we've got McFarland.

We'll get odds. We'll clean up.

Exactly. Not interested.

Me, neither. Hey.

Aw, guys, this is a sure thing.

I need a doctor back here. I got some wounded engineers.

Corpsman at Battalion Aid said there's nothing real serious.

What happened?

You tell 'em, Porky.

We were bbbbuilding a bridge,

and some beams ffffell on us.

ThThThThat's all, folks!

Hey, knock it off. Come here.

The arm will be good as new, just as long as you don't try

to catch any more bridges with it.

ThThThThThanks.

Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.

Well, you better sit down. Your fingers must be exhausted.

Come on, you guys.

The 8063rd is just waiting to be plucked.

Pluck the 8063rd?

Yeah, like a dead chicken. We got a guy coming here

that can run rings around their ringer.

If everybody puts up one week's pay,

we can all clean up on the race of the century.

I'll give you a whole year's salary.

You? How come? I'd do anything

to get even with their head nurse

Major Judy Parker.

Or, as every sailor in the fleet

affectionately calls her, "Parallel" Parker.

Sounds like there's a wonderfully sordid story behind that, Margaret.

I don't want to go into any details,

but it has to do with the rather unsavory way

she commandeered the chief petty officer

from the U. S. S. Coral Sea.

I'm in for a week's pay. How about you stiffs?

No, no, no. No, thank you.

Come on. You two aren't gonna deny Major Houlihan

her inalienable right to revenge, are you?

Let her get even with her own money.

You I can't believe you guys.

McFarland took third in the N. C. 2 A's.

That's as close as you can get to the Olympics

without being singed by the torch.

Klinger, try to remember this. Forget it.

Please. Please, don't let this one get away.

Okay, okay, okay. Did anybody ever tell you

you're irresistible when you grovel?

Oh, thank you, sirs.

I'll put up a day's salary. So will I.

What? Well, it's against my better judgment,

but usually my better judgment

is no better than my worse judgment.

Just a day's salary?

The 8063rd will laugh in our faces.

Come on, you creeps. Where's your guts?

We gotta strike now Yeah!

...before they know we've got McFarland.

We'll get great odds.

Well? Ah, what the hell.

All I'd do with a week's salary

is lose it in a poker game anyway. I'm in.

Me too. What I don't throw away here I send home to Peg,

and she throws it away on stuff like groceries and shoes for the kid.

You won't regret this. We're gonna walk out of this war rich men and woman.

God knows the only reason I came to Korea was for the money.

He's here. I got the money down

and the bets covered just in time.

Here's your mail. Uh, fine.

I'm looking for a Jessup McFarland.

Oh, he's inside.

Where is he? Where is my avenger?

He's in the truck. I still think

we should have gotten a band for this occasion.

Uh, which one of you is McFarland?

McFarland?

How many more are still inside?

I'm it.

Well, where's Jessup McFarland?

We were told he was in there.

That's me.

I'm your new supply sergeant.

Can you help me with this, sonny?

And point a weary old soldier to his billet?

This guy could break the tape

without leaving the starting line.

You're Jessup McFarland, worldclass sprinter?

Oh, you mean Jessie Junior?

That's my boy.

Just missed the Olympics by one tenth of a second.

People mix us up all the time.

That's him right next to me.

He's the thinner one.

I'd love to stay and chat,

but if I don't catch my afternoon nap,

I'm nothin'.

You jerk.

Klinger, prep yourself for surgery.

We bet a week's salary on a man

who's just healthy enough to be in the human race?

Who knew the kid had a father?

Captain Dr. Pierce, sir.

Klinger, you are not gonna get on my good side

because right now I don't have one.

I can't say that I blame you.

I guess I'd feel the same way if I were in your snit.

The handsome, dapper Dr. Major Winchester, sir.

Klinger, you don't have to suck up to me.

I didn't bet, and I don't like you anyway.

Thank you, sir.

Tape recorder material for you.

Must be some of that longhair music.

Could you play it and soothe these savage beasts?

Sorry to disappoint you, Klinger.

This is another taperecorded letter

from my sister Honoria.

At last, the words of an intelligent person.

Bye.

For the lovely and talented Major Houlihan.

Klinger, stuff yourself in an envelope

and mail it out of here.

Wonderful idea, ma'am. Goldman!

Aw, lighten up on him, folks.

It's in the lad's chromosomes

to ask for money.

The twerp told us that it was a sure thing.

Of course he did. It's an instinct.

Klinger goes for a dollar

like a puppy goes for a slipper.

Next time I'll swat him on the nose with a newspaper.

Better yet, an encyclopedia.

If Klinger is a jerk,

what does that make us for going along?

Fools who will soon be parted from their money.

Isn't there anyone else here

who can race against LeMasters?

About the only runner's legs we've got in camp

belong to the padre.

No good. We need a dash man.

Father Mulcahy takes the first three miles

to get out of low gear.

Hey, stupid.

Uh, yes, O Velvet Voice?

Just how long is this dumb race anyway?

Gee, we never really discussed it.

Excuse me, doctor. Yes?

I'm Captain Sweeney. Engineers. Hi.

You suppose I could talk to my men?

Well, I see no reason why not. They're doing very well.

Hi, boys. How're you feelin'? Fine, Captain.

Yeah, I guess we were kind of lucky.