aTypical Wednesday

Get one that's funny but not too funny.

This doesn't seem to be a joking matter.

They look like you.

I don't think getting my girl a card with another family on it

is the right way to go on this one, kid.

What about this one?

No. Cats. Definitely, yeah, cats.

Right, 'cause I'm a dog, a bad dog.

This one?

What's it say on the inside?

It says cool cats

and then there's some cats playing musical instruments.

- That's stupid. - I don't get it.

It's like cool cats, right?

It's a play on the word cats

because they're playing jazz and back in the day

guys would refer to friends or cool people as cats.

So, like cool cats.

Oh, yeah. Kind of like nigger.

No, wait, no. Why would you? No. No. No. Okay?

- No. Don't say that word. - Why not?

Because it's a bad word for reasons you don't know yet

and if you say it again, I'll hit you.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

Ni... Ow!

I told you.

Can't hit me. I'm only nine.

- Does it hurt? - Yes.

Good. You just learned a very valuable life lesson.

Yeah, cause and effect.

Every action has a reaction

that you may or may not be able to control.

You touch a hot stove, you might burn your hand.

You run across the street without looking,

you might get hit by a car.

You say the N word around black people

you might get thumped in the ear,

punched in the kidney, right? But now you know,

you got to think about what you do or say before you do it.

Makes sense?

Kind of.

Hey, listen. Hey, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have done that. Let me see. Let me see.

Ow! What did you do that for?

'Cause it looks like you still kind of want to say it

and I want you to know what happens

if you even think about saying it.

You'll thank me later in life, I promise.

Okay, I won't say. I won't think about saying it.

Geez! I'm sorry.

Hey, look, man. I'm sorry, okay? Let me see.

- No, no, not this time. - There you go, boom.

You know, fuck it.

I'll just get this one.

- You want anything? - No, thanks.

Here. Put that on your ear.

Uh, hey.

Oh, hey. Uh,

tell Katie to call me when she gets up, yeah?

- I have to go to work. - I'm up.

Thanks for letting us come over so late.

You are the best.

And how does that make you feel?

I hate when you ask me that.

This is therapy, Gabe. It's kind of part of my job.

I don't know, fine, great, terrible, empty. I don't know.

I'm single though, right?

I should be able to do whatever I want to do.

I should feel great. You told me that.

I think I told you that you need to learn to let go

and be present and enjoy the moment sometimes, yes, but...

You know, the threesome, it wasn't even my idea.

It was theirs and yours.

It was not my idea.

Being single is just as stupid as being in a relationship.

Like they rode away on a scooter, Doc.

Like a regular ass scooter.

Why did you and Millie break up?

We're just taking a small break right now.

Define that, a break.

We just, uh, we just...

We just got to figure some things out.

Okay, can you expand on that a little bit more?

Gabe, what makes you happy?

You know anything about dreams, animal dreams to be exact?

A little, yeah. Why?

So, I had this dream the other day

and I'm riding my bike up this trail, right?

And it's starting to get dark

and I remember I got to get to the top before the sun sets

because pretty soon it's going to get too dark

to see in a little bit.

And, now, it's time to coast back down, slowly at first

and then, all of a sudden, I started picking up speed.

And there's potholes and cracks and shit everywhere.

And on top of that, right, my brakes stop working.

So now, here I am, flying down this uneven path

with people all in the way

and I realize I either got to just jump off this motherfucker

or I got to ride out and just see what happens.

And I decide to jump.

And then, right before I jump, I look over

and it's an elephant running full speed

with a skunk on his back staring right at me.

Then he puts his trunk out, trips my bike,

I go flying in the air,

about to land on a pile of rocks and probably die

and then I wake up. What's that all mean, Doc?

- Do you have these dreams often? - No.

Animals in your dream, all have various meanings and symbolism,

but let me think on that a little bit.

I'll get back to you next week.

Okay.

All right, time's up. What's my homework?

Your homework is to really spend some time

and find the answer to what I asked you.

Which is what?

What makes Gabe happy?

- I don't know. - I know.

That's why it's your homework.

- See you next Wednesday? - See you next Wednesday.

Nice kicks.

Hey, hon. Hi.

- How was your session? - Fine.

Good.

Good. Glad to hear that.

Well, I hope you're hungry because Wednesday's...

Humpty hamburger day. I know.

Well...

Hey, there champ! How's your session, huh?

- Fine. - Fine, yeah.

It was. That's what I like to hear, huh.

I'm going to go to my room and work on my homework

until dinner is ready. Is that okay?

Yeah, you don't need to ask permission to do your homework.

Just do me a favor and keep the door open.

- It smells good in here. - Hmm.

We have any hamburgers.

That's a really good job, Alec. Keep it up.

That's really good.

Okay, everybody, tomorrow we're going to talk about

how all the slaves were freed by Harriet Tubman.

Have a good lunch. Bye.

Hey, dick-breath.

Leave me alone, Jason.

I'll do whatever I want dick-breath, my dad's a cop.

- My name's Alec. - It used to be.

Then I changed it to dick-breath

and now, now, it's shithead.

I'm pretty sure it's still Alec.

Nope, definitely shithead.

Ow!

Get it.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 19...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good.

That's what I'm talking about. Right, well done, everybody.

You know what the time is not for you. That's okay.

Yes, good job. You're almost there. Let's go.

Ah, here we go. Get 'em. Let's go.

Yeah, big dog. Bang it out. Come on. We're almost done.

Okay. Eight...

Five, four, three, huh, who wants to be sexy...

Two, one. That's time. There we go.

Everybody get some water, real quick, real quick.

Let's go. Good job. Good job. Good job. Well done.

You know I started following her on Instagram.

She posted a throwback Thursday

and she's had that butt since she was a teenager.

Just a perfect butt like Kim and Chloe.

It's not fucking fair.

I don't...

I don't think their butts are real.

Whatever.

What do you even know about butts anyway?

Ouch!

Why, what's wrong?

Oh, it's just my hamstrings are really tight today.

Do you want to stretch it out for me?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

You know, you don't want to play around with hammies.

Right. Thank you.

It's just you are so good at this.

Yeah, do you, um, do you do home sessions?

All right, I think you're good.

Women are full of shit, Doc.

I know we're not allowed to say it now, but it's true.

Talking about, "My hamstring's hurt."

I knew there wasn't nothing wrong with her damn hamstrings.

You want to have a seat, Gabe?

Like, like nobody's happy in a relationship. Nobody.

Why, why is she getting married if she's out doing that, huh?

I'll tell you why 'cause nobody's happy.

She's not happy.

She's only getting married 'cause that's what society tells you got to do.

You go out, you marry somebody you barely tolerate,

you have some badass kids to overcompensate,

then they grow up move out the house, they stop calling you

and now you're stuck with this person