Hill Street Blues

Item 14 concerns the unauthorized use of precinct phones for personal business.

Guys, we all live in an age of message units and diminished precinct budgets.

So, uh, let's employ a little heart and at least a little good taste.

By that, I refer to certain particular phone numbers...

which appear frequently on the computer printout.

Phone numbers well-known as those of Choo-Choo's Snug Boutique...

And a certain bookmaker, simply known as Stu.

Now, if you feel you must misdemeanor...

let's use the pay phones, huh?

- Handily located throughout this facility. - Can I borrow a dime?

Item 15 regards one JesseJohn Hudson.

After seven years of incarceration at the Lafayette Facility...

Mr. Hudson is back on the street.

His release has generated considerable anxiety, gangwise, streetwise and otherwise.

So, uh, let's keep our eyes and ears open for any rumbles of discontent.

Item 16, another cabbie was robbed and beaten...

at the Avenue B overpass at People's Parkway.

That makes six in the past week.

We do not as yet have a reliable description of this assailant...

so be particularly alert to any loose talk on the street.

All right, the last item is the Lasky Avenue purse snatcher.

Now, the suspect is described as being approximately...

3 feet 8 inches tall...

Very long arms...

hirsute in the extremis...

and uncommonly fleet of foot.

Sounds like my cousin Harvey.

In fact, the said alleged perpetrator is, uh...

a medium-size orangutan ape.

It is my cousin Harvey!

Um, guys, a personal aside...

I might add that while I personally-

Have never encountered a felon of the simian persuasion...

these animals are known to be extremely strong, extremely bright...

and are not to be taken lightly.

All right, that's it. Let's roll.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let's be careful out there.

You lousy, two-bit coward! You worthless coward!

Gimme a break, will you?

Yeah, that's right. Get hysterical!

This relationship has been the pits!

Belker.

Frank, I've got some messages for you.

Smack me around again, you no-good-

- Lady, lady, you ever stop to think that maybe your mouth- - What is your problem?

- Man, let's go. - I don't need to hear-

All right, lady. It's not our case!

- Officer Schnitz. - Your client will be along momentarily, Miss Davenport.

Gimme your right paw.

You wanna sit down, dog breath, or would you prefer a collapsed lung?

I don't know what she's talking about!

You're gonna put me away? That's a laugh!

- Name. - Sneed, Sam.

- That's the last time you're gonna slap me around, you bum! - Watch your mouth!

I got your number. And my brother Ralph's got your number!

- Your brother Ralph sucks rope! - Come on!

I never touched her! I can't help it if she falls a lot.

- How's that Division paperwork coming along, huh? - Fine, Sarge.

Not so fine, Sarge. The fact is, we haven't started yet. And I'm not gonna.

- Joe- - Look, Luce, I've had it up to my gums with paperwork.

Sarge, the doc tells me my wing's got almost 85% mobility...

which is a hell of a lot better than most guys with a hundred.

- So what do you say, huh? - Well, you've only been back 10 days.

- Keep your mouth shut! - Sicko!

You remember him, huh? Lester Goober? Huh?

Leo, would you mind, please? We're trying to carry on a civilized conversation here.

Get the door. Behave yourselves!

Look, everybody's been treating me with rubber gloves or something.

I was in 'Nam. I've been shot at before, and it's not that big a deal.

I don't mind being shot at.

I'm not afraid to go back out there.

You want me to tell 'em about Lester Goober?

I'm warning you. Keep your mouth shut!

Lester Goober, you bag of wind! Lester Goober!

- Lester Goober! Lester Goober! Lester Goober! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Shut her up! - Shut up!

You want me to tell 'em how you break parole every day with Lester Goober?

That's it. I'm gonna kill her! Get your hands off me!

- Lester Goober! - Get away from me!

I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill her!

Gun!

Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

Armed robbery in progress.

See surplus store, corner People's Drive, 124th Street.

That's correct. That's correct.

Uh, Francis. Internal Affairs has been apprised.

They're sending a team up right away.

Good, Phil. Get the paperwork started, would you?

- Get maintenance up here to fix all this. - Right.

Okay, just give me your number, and I'll-I'll get it.

All in one piece, counselor.

Miss Downey?

I'm Joyce Davenport of the public defender's office. Are you all right?

Miss Downey.

Shejust passed out is all.

Uh, maybe she needs a little mouth-to-mouth.

- Call the paramedics. - Get on the phone now.

What the hell's going on here? People are dropping like flies.

I appreciate what you're saying, sir. We want him as much as you do.

- Yes, I'll hold. - Yes, sir.

But a composite won't do, not if he's wearing disguises.

Captain-

One second, counselor. Uh, yeah, Carl.

No, no, no. I haven't heard from Hudson yet.

We can try and provide some undercover, but we're extremely short on manpower.

Yes, uh, put out the word I want him to come in for a talk.

I hope so too, but don't count on it.

How about installing one of those bullet separators...

between the passenger compartment and the driver's?

- Yeah. Yes. - Of course you're a taxpayer, Mr. Dartagna.

Counselor?

I would very much like to know why my client just collapsed on the floor out there.

- So would I. Is that a booking slip? - You bet, buster.

Susan Downey, soliciting a sex act, resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer...

possession of a narcotic substance.

A regular princess.

What's that got to do with this department's chronic disregard...

of its prisoners' physical well-being?

Bozo!

We'll have it checked out. Ray?

- Yes, Frank? - Would you?

Miss Davenport.

We're a little testy, aren't we?

We don't, as a rule, get shot at before lunch.

Stick around. You may get used to it.

You taking me out to dinner tonight?

I've made a reservation for 8:00 at Gianni's.

- Isn't that a little expensive? - Mmm.

It's your birthday, pizza man. I feel like splurging.

Maybe later I'll let you cite me for soliciting a police officer.

Yes, ma'am. He's seven years old, and he's been missing for 24 hours.

I got it.

Oh, yes, ma'am. We'll dispatch two officers immediately.

Oh, Hill, Renko. We have a missing seven-year-old. Here's the address.

Have him back by noon.

Sarge, what do you say?

All right. You and Bates take Unit 12, park detail.

Great!

Joe!

- Buy me a cup? - Well, hello, Grace.

Oh, I longed for you last night.

You know, those nude encounter groups mean so much more to me...

with you lying by my side.

Parakeet, you know I would've been there...

if I didn't have to fill in for Brewer on the night shift.

Can you get away for an hour now?

My plane leaves for Los Angeles at 3:00.

Grace, I can't.

I want your body pressing against mine.

- Fulfilling me as only you can. - Grace-

Anyway, here are the keys to my apartment.

Feed the cat. Water the plants. Sleep in my bed.

And if you get lonely, you need only call Celeste.

She's a good friend. She knows all about us...

and I trust her to fulfill your needs in my absence.

Hey, Grace, what are you saying?

Phil, you know I'm not a jealous woman.

Sharing you doesn't diminish me.

There's so much of you to share.

Ooh.

Always sad, Phil.

- Yes, Howard? - Always sad, partings.

I know how you must be feeling.

My Lorraine is leaving the country for two months.

Well, frankly, Howard, it's a relief. I'm exhausted.

I tell you, the woman's a sexual juggernaut.

Last weekend we went to Sandcreek.

That rustic sex clinic place up north where everybody's, uh, au naturel?

I don't mind telling you, Howard.

Naked men and women of all persuasions lying around.

- Nude dance contests! - Jeepers.

I knew it was time to leave when a naked man asked me to do the Lindy Hop.

Last night, we're supposed to go out to a nude Reichian encounter group.

I begged off and went out to a bar...

had a few beers with a guy I met who runs the fish and tackle department at Abernathy's.

- Luke MacAllister. Great guy. - Mmm.

Divorced, grown kids. We threw a few darts, talked politics, sports.

I'd forgotten the simple pleasures of male camaraderie.

You're not thinking of breaking up with her, are you?

Well, it's been on my mind.

On the one hand, her sense of adventure, sexually speaking...

is unmatched by any woman I've ever known.

However, on the plus side, she's kind, generous, loyal in the extremis...

and a great conversationalist.

Not unlike your Lorraine.

Oh, Lorraine.

Unfortunately, our relationship is on a much loftier plain.

We go to concerts, gallery openings.

Last weekend, we went rowing on Taft Lake.

Mmm, that sounds relaxing.

Frankly, Phil, I would have preferred something a little more uplifting...

if you take my thrust.

These things take time, Howard.

She'll come around.

Well, I hope so. I find myself in a painful state...

celibacy-wise.

Sex.

Ironic, isn't it?

I have more than I know what to do with, and you can't get arrested.