M*A*S*H

Lap sponge.

‐Hey, Sam, can you see all right? ‐Perfect.

Lieutenant, put this man under.

Clamp! Clamp! Come on!

Move a little bit to your right, will you?

Okay, where are the bolts for it?

Hey, Sam, how about this?

Um, "Give him a bicarbonate, and tell him to stay off his feet."

Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?

No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."

I think you're ready for the U. N.

Captain Pak, you are here as a medical observer,

not to give us language lessons.

Oh, I know, Sam.

‐I'm sorry to hear that. ‐PIERCE: What?

Well, your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.

‐(nurse laughing) ‐Hey, terrific!

Oh, jabber‐jabber‐ jabber‐jabber.

What's Korean for "quack"?

"Quack?" That's my father‐in‐law's name.

‐Frank, you're a father‐in‐law. Saline for irrigation. ‐Saline.

Frank, by a strange coincidence,

the inhabitants of Korea communicate in Korean.

It wouldn't hurt us to speak their language.

I speak American.

And I can go anyplace in the world.

We can have you packed in 20 minutes.

We're living in Korea, Frank. Clamp.

‐Clamp. ‐Not me, fella. Hmm.

I'm part of the American military establishment.

I eat in an American mess. I shop in an American P. X.

All I wanna do is save these people and go home.

And we thank you from the bottom of our bomb craters.

I don't need any of your lip.

"Lip" is Sam's cousin.

Oh, pish‐posh.

"Pish‐posh?" That's my mother's family.

‐(knock at door) ‐Yo! Come in.

Morning, Radar.

Cheese and crackers!

Uh, now just take it easy, Bossy.

Nobody's gonna hurt you, sweetie.

Radar!

Sit.

Sit, lady. Stay.

Radar!

Sir, there's a Korean family out here.

Well, their dog's in here.

Holy cow!

Never mind his religion, Radar. Just get him outta here.

Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe? Shine? Shine? Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe?

Hey, mister. Hey, fella!

Look, friend. You can't build your hooch here.

Hospital. Hospital.

Yo! Yo!

Uh... you're on government property.

Go home. Go‐ey home‐y.

Go‐ey home‐y.

Uh, Radar. Here, tell him, will you?

Uh...

Go‐ey home‐y.

Oh, that's just dandy, Radar.

Look, folks. You've picked a very busy spot.

The war comes through here.

Well, not war in your war‐fighting sense,

but rather in your aftermath sense,

which is still war‐war.

Uh, not now, sonny. Uh, people, we can't have this.

What the deuce is going on here, Colonel?

What are these people doing?

Oh, Frank, will you for Pete's sake, for heaven's sake?

I'm up to my naval in locals. Exactly why, I'm not sure.

The only thing I am sure of is I don't need you.

Well, why are they building a house?

I don't know, Frank. Maybe they were thrown out of their hotel.

How should I know? Radar, go get...

‐Captain Pak is on his way, sir. ‐Uh, look.

‐You natives... ‐(hammering)

Now hear this!

You can't build a house on a U. S. Military reservation.

‐Now amscray! Scat! ‐(yells in Korean)

Great going, Frank. Now you've aggravated them, you dumb dodo.

I had the situation under control before you got here.

Could I have my leg back, please?

Colonel, these people are poachers.

I'd say fire a few shots over their heads. That'll chase 'em.

What do you wanna do, Frank, start a military incident in the middle of a war?

‐Is that what you want? ‐There are times when a show of strength

‐is the only way. ‐HAWKEYE: Frank?

Just ran into Teddy Roosevelt.

Says he won't charge up the hill without you.

Hey, what's the problem?

Looks like we got visitors.

Well, they just moved in.

Started setting up housekeeping.

You gotta talk to 'em, Sam.

Get the first month's rent in advance.

I mean, we got a real hoo‐ha goin' here.

Excuse me. Any of you folks Catholic?

Father, do you mind?

Hold it.

‐What's the poop, Sam? ‐Well, the poop is...

he says that this is his farm and you are on his land.

That settles it. Let's go home.

Are we just gonna stand around

and let these foreigners take over the 4077th?

Frank's right. After all, this is their land.

What right have they got to it?

Hell's bells, Major! The 4077th is a field hospital.

Well, we can't handle it!

It's up to you Civilian Affairs boys.

That's what you're paid for.

Yeah, I know. $640 a month isn't real money,

but it does keep the old bulldog from barking.

Yeah. Radar, will you do something with him

before he gives me a pedicure?

Yo, I'm right here, Major. Right, five of them.

Mom, Dad, three youngsters

and an ox that's bucking for elephant.

Yeah. Yeah!

Okay, boy. Great shoe shine. Here you go.

Candy? Dollar for shine, Joe.

Colonel, he wants a dollar.

Well, pay him.

Uh, take it out of petty cash.

Sir, you took it all.

Uh, just hold it.

Radar, get him some grub.

Oh, yes, sir.

I don't know their names!

They're just your garden‐variety Korean refugee,

and they keep yelping that we're on their farm!

Yeah. Well, listen.

Get up here and straighten this out, will ya?

Okay. "Goom‐bye."

Gee!

My name Choon Hi.

Oh. Hi.

You're not with those others, are you?

I mean, you speak our verbiage.

I learn from the nuns.

Oh.

Oh! Hi, little fella. Little fella?

You gonna grow up and be a big Korean soldier, just like Daddy?

‐His name Su Yong. ‐Oh.

‐Father is a soldier. ‐Uh‐huh.

‐Not Korean soldier. ‐Oh.

His father is G.I. Joe.

Well, I'm afraid we don't have anybody

by that name here, Miss.

Su Yong father speak nice to me, like wind song.

Well, some of our guys can really shovel

the old wind song.

‐His father not just guy. ‐Yeah?

He doctor. MASH 4077.

Well, that's our phone number.

And you say he could really talk up the old wind song, eh?

Pierce and/or Mclntyre.

‐Sir? ‐Yo.

I took the children and got them some chow,

but we better order some more rubber boots,

'cause we got ox problems.

‐Where? ‐You name it.

Oh, that's one more thing on my hands.

All right. Get Pierce and Mclntyre over here on the double.

Yes, sir.

‐Henry? ‐Yeah?

‐Good news. ‐I'll take it.

I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer,

‐and everything's cool. ‐Great.

You got three days to get the hell outta here.

Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?

That's the Japanese. We don't do that shtick.

You wanna step in my office for another goody?

Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi.

The baby is Su Yong.

‐You? ‐Stand by for the fingering of the father.

‐Aha. ‐Him not doctor.

You betcha. I don't make house calls.

Well, Sheriff, looks like you got troubles right here in Pregnant City.

‐Thanks a lot. ‐Gimme the key.

You called, Master?

This better be good, Henry.

‐It's pretty tough getting across the compound. ‐(stomps foot)

Captain Pierce, Captain Mclntyre,

I believe one of you knows Miss Choon Hi

just a little bit better than the other one of you knows Miss Choon Hi.

Miss Hi claims that she

and one of our doctors committed parenthood.

Any volunteers?

I got the forms for the boots, sir.

Him doctor!

Radar?

Radar.

‐(speaks Korean) ‐(baby gurgling)

‐What's that? ‐Mazel tov.

She's applied for legal aid to the Judge Advocate General,