American Housewife

Here's another Valentine's Day favorite.

Nope. I've got enough things annoying me.

And there's one right there.

Oliver clearly has a problem he wants to share,

but he needs me to pull it out of him.

Watch.

Everything okay?

Never better.

Taylor has something she wants to ask me

but is afraid I'll say no.

If I seem agitated, she'll wait till later.

- Hey, Mom. - Ohh! Just great!

And my sweet little annoyance number 3.

Anna-Kat, you don't need to spend 10 minutes on each Valentine card.

But I want them to be nice for kids in my class.

Daddy said I should take pride in my work.

But that's not for stupid stuff,

like made-up holidays.

Manufactured romance is just not my thing.

I don't have the gene for it... unlike some people.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh. To you, too, baby. - Mm.

So, Taylor tells me...

We've got to go, or I'll be late for volleyball!

I'm team captain! Team captain can't be late!

Geez, Taylor.

Let's save that level of panic

for the first time you miss your period.

Come on, let's move it, people.

I know you have to write your book proposal,

so don't feel like you need to do anything big for me this year.

Big? What ever do you mean?

Seriously, a card is all I need.

Card it is.

He's got something planned.

Why couldn't he embrace a more meaningful holiday?

Groundhog Day is totally underrated.

That thing predicts the future. Come on!

So, tonight, there's a Valentine's party at Casey Otis' house.

Will her parents be there?

Yes, both her moms and her stepmom.

Lot of math on that.

Can I go?

Before I say yes, I need to call and confirm

that somebody will be there.

Dad said the exact same thing,

and he already called them and talked to them.

Well, if Dad cleared it, then it's okay with me.

Thank you, Mom! You're the best!

Can I borrow your high heels?

- No. - You never let me do anything!

What's in that box?

Nothing.

Valentine's Day.

Spill it.

You know what? Never mind.

You don't really need this.

Got it!

Open this.

Pretty!

What does the "A" stand for?

Did you buy this for Alice?

O-li-ver!

Yeah, but I'm having second thoughts about giving it to her.

I mean, we haven't talked about boyfriend/girlfriend or anything.

What's the worst that could happen?

She'll think it's stupid and tell her friends,

and everyone will mock me behind my back.

Yeah, that could totally happen.

Why don't you hold on to it, feel out the situation,

and then decide what to do when you see her?

That's a good idea.

He said I had a good idea!

Mark the date and the time! Ring the bells!

I'm not prepared for the level of stress

that comes with this holiday.

Yeah.

Think about it.

Kids giving out those candy hearts...

"Be mine," "Kiss me"...

it's encouraging a generation of hookers.

Katie, hookers don't kiss...

unless you give them an extra $50.

And I know that Greg is planning

one of his elaborate romantic surprises.

Quit showing off, Greg.

You got the gig.

Here's the thing.

I get him a card, like a normal person,

which, by comparison,

makes me look like a terrible wife.

Plus, his surprises always tend to make a mess.

Mm.

It seems you and Greg have different love languages.

Say what, now?

She bathes her crystals in the light of a full moon.

I think you're in great hands.

Okay, there are five languages of love.

For some people, love is quality time.

Others need to experience physical touch.

Greg's language is affirmation.

Uh-huh.

And your language is irritation.

Mm.

You're not shy.

Why don't you just tell Greg you don't like his surprises?

- Mm. - I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He puts so much work into it.

But what I wish is for someone to tell him what I really want

for my Valentine's surprise this year is no surprise.

Richard and I do it right.

He gives me an expensive watch,

and then I'm a real bobcat in the sack.

Don't take love for granted.

If you don't maintain it, it'll dry up on you.

And then divorce you, take your Jaguar,

and suddenly, your kids are vegetarian.

Aw.

It's Valentine's Day, and you're all alone.

Oh, no, no. No, don't worry about me.

The bars tonight are gonna be full

of sad, neglected Westport housewives

looking for a little... understanding.

I love that you can make any word filthy.

You prey on these women's vulnerabilities.

You're a love vulture.

Hello?

I should take this.

Oh. I got to go.

I need to listen to that Adele breakup album

and remind myself that I should be happy that I'm not alone.

- Hey, Alice. - Hi.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Y-Yeah, I got to go. I'm late for class.

School's over!

But okay!

Hall and Oates.

That's so Greg. He must have a surprise waiting.

Greg?

Greg?

A leaf blower?

We are not having that "Give it all up

and become gardeners in Vermont" conversation again.

The bedroom.

Might as well go up and get it over with.

Hey.

Looking for something?

Just checking in.

What do you know? He actually listened.

Maybe now I can get him to stop playing historical charades

on Presidents' Day.

I'm a little teapot?

Taylor's a little teapot?

Teapot Dome Scandal!

I'm a teapot. You two watch "Scandal."

How could you not get that?

Yeah. Yeah, that's on us.

You want to read the intro to my book proposal?

So bad.

So, so bad.

Can't now.

But real soon.

Why are you throwing out all the Valentines

you got from your class?

They're just cruddy drugstore cards

their parents signed for them.

I'm a little down on love.

Join the club.

The hell with Alice.

I think it's sweet that you have a romantic side.

You have a little bit of your dad in you.

By the way, why hasn't he done anything for you this year?

Where's the skywriting, the marching bands?

You guys having problems?

What?!

No!

We're not having problems.

Are we?

Good, because if you two ever went your separate ways...

Oh, sweetie.

I can't even imagine living in something smaller than this.

Katie, can you come here for a sec?

That's probably it...

Valentine's surprise in his office.

No problems here.

So, what can I do for you?

Have you seen my lumbar support cushion?

It's now Anna-Kat's pony bed.

Anything... you have...

going on... around here?

No, just proofing my book proposal.

Great.

Oh, God.

Have I neglected Greg for so long

that our romance has dried up?

Like that sponge below the kitchen sink

that I never use but I never throw away?

My ride to the party's here.

Call us when you get there.

And don't let anybody cop a Valentine's feel.