S#!%head: Jordan Cantwell's Epic Quest

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

Yeah, I know it's early.

I'm just tryin' to score some chenko,

You know what I'm saying?

- Amanda Chongus has a special report

on a new popular drug sweeping hot tubs everywhere.

Chenko

- Yo, I'll be getting 20 bucks in for you,

and I'm just trying to spend that shit.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

- This type of service is completely unacceptable, yo.

Fuck you, and fuck your cheap chenko

I'm taking my business elsewhere.

- Made from a scorpion's depleted exoskeleton,

known on the street as chenko.

Once the BCB is ingested, it enters the bloodstream,

it interacts with the white blood cells in the user's brain,

getting them really, really, really high.

Shit, man.

- God, why don't you put it on silent,

for fuck's sake.

I'll be good, he'll be good.

What the fuck?

Shit, fuck, fuck, fuck.

This motherfucker better pick up now.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

Man, fuck you, it's over, hands up.

- Lawmakers declared chenko illegal today

by a vote of 113 to two.

Police have instigated a new cultural awareness program

to help them better understand community needs.

Police, Police, get down.

Get on the ground, don't fucking move, get on the ground.

- Shut her up! - Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

Don't move, asshole!

- Man, I'm sorry, I didn't mean all that shit I just said.

Man, please let me buy some chenko off you, please!

I'll seriously drink your piss right now.

- Local officials are gearing to make a big push

against what they're calling the culture of chenko,

which, thanks to rappers like FaceFuka

is now permeating youth culture.

- Hey man, why don't you just die, motherfucker,

you don't own me.

You're going to jail.

You're going to black jail not white jail.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

- I should be smoking some chenko right now, man.

Shit, man, I'm literally on my knees begging you right now

and you can't give me his fucking number.

Man, fuck you, Jordan.

Come on, my guy's not picking up.

I don't know nobody else.

- Man I can't give out shit out like that.

I don't smoke chenko anymore - Fine.

Fuck you then, whatever.

Fuck you, Jordan!

Fuck, I'm almost out.

Fuck it, smoke that shit!

Where the hell were you?

What, did you take a nap?

I went out there, and looked for you,

and I didn't see no goddamn Statue of Liberty!

What do you mean, man?

I just stood by the road

in this smelly ass shit for two hours.

What intersection did you stand by?

The one you told me to.

Which one did I tell you?

I don't know what you said.

I just went around the corner and stood there.

Jesus, did you at least do the pose?

- What pose? - The torch-light pose.

- Oh, yeah, I had my arm up in the air like this.

- I wanted the scintillating light of Lady Liberty

glistening down upon the roadside,

beckoning all of mankind here today

to give their blood to the warriors

who sacrificed their bodies for people like you.

You know what you did?

You let them down, Jordan.

Oh, you smell like you've been smoking chenko.

You just went out there and got high, didn't you?

No, I'm not high.

Did your pops tell you this shit?

I've seen your kind before.

The only thing that'll straighten you out

is to join the service,

and have somebody beat some goddamn sense into you!

I'm not joining the army.

The shit's for fucking fags,

and I don't lick buttholes like you two.

- Here, take I you don't deserve the other five.

Whatever!

Shit!

Fran, what was that noise?

You hear that, Fran? - What?

That noise.

Come on, yeah, let's check it out.

Oh, my god!

What happened?

For one night, y'all,

see FaceFuka, Stabby D.

Paint your baby's face, get in for free.

That's right bitches, paint your smoking child's face,

and you get in free.

And don't forget, go on on Spacebook right now,

and enter the Fucking Spacebook Baby Tattoo Contest

for a chance to win

a motherfucking lifetime supply of chenko!

Oh jolly nuts!

Look at you two.

I can't allow, you're being bad,

I can't give you these presents now.

- Dad, Dad, Dad! - I'm gonna take these toys...

- Dad, those VFW guys you work with are total assholes!

They wouldn't pay me,

'cause they said they ran out of money.

You think I can get like five bucks?

I just need five bucks.

That's it.

Take your hands off his dick and give me the money.

It's two bucks.

Fucker.

- What's up (laugh)? - Get off me.

I don't need to see this shit right now.

Yeah, you do.

What happened to Cody's face paint yo?

Bitch, don't you ever fuck with a man's baby's face paint.

- I think that face paint's making him sick.

I mean, looking at him, he's all hot, and fucked up,

and shit, and I think there's something wrong with him.

I mean look at him, doesn't he look weird to you?

- Man, Babies can't get sick, fucking chill,

all right? - They can't?

No, face paint ain't gonna fuck him up.

FaceFuka never takes his paint off,

'cause it protects you from AIDS.

- Yeah, but, and as soon as you put that shit on his face,

he starts acting like super retarded.

He probably got pissed off,

'cause you took his FaceFuka paint off.

I don't know. - No.

I doogled it, like, this could be like really bad.

You got to take him to the babyologist like today.

Leave me alone yo.

You can't bankroll his sickness at the moment

Man, you know how much fucking chenko,

I got to smoke tonight.

- Jordan, you got to take him somewhere while I'm working.