Remington Steele

- Oh my Lord. - It's not what you think.

I don't think anything, I just change the beds

It's hair dye, see, it's hair dye.

Look, look I'm sorry about the mess...

but you have to understand I'm not TRAINED for this kind of thing.

- Are they still out there? - Who?

Who?

SLOW

- Last chance. - What?

Oh. I just can't, Murphy.

Sure you can.

You get in my car, we drive to your place, pick up your clubs and some clothes...

and we're in Palm Springs by 8:30

- Ha, if only it were that simple. - It *is* that simple.

You see, you got it all backwards. It's the *men* who are supposed to work too hard and die young.

It's the weekend, Laura.

You know, if a guy hadn't known you so long and didn't like you so much....

and wasn't so sure you'd never lie to him...

he could convince himself you didn't want to go, taxes or no taxes

But you *do* know me,

and you *do* like me.

and you know I wouldn't lie to you.

Right.

See you Monday, Laura.

- Murphy? - Have fun.

No crowds of troubled clients clamoring for my services?

It's Friday. People'd rather bowl.

See you on Monday.

Oh, and don't get lost on the freeway.

Miss Wolfe!

Hey, give a girl a break, will ya?

May I ask what it is you are doing in my bathroom?

Forget it, it's dry enough.

- Is it 6 o'clock yet? - Why? What happens at 6 o'clock?

Come 6 o'clock, all these offices are gonna open up and empty out...

and all the bars and restaurants on the ground floors of all these high-rises...

They're going to fill up with people hungry to bury themselves...

in anything but what they do for a living

They'll buy each other drinks...

tell each other pretty lies, and hope the spell doesn't break before dinner.

- Is that a fact? - Yeah.

If you get lucky, it lasts until Monday.

Oh, that's wonderful, if you're satisfied with managing one's love life....

like a game of chance.

I prefer the tried-and-true method

one makes a date and casts a spell of one own.

- Which reminds me. Gayle called. - Excellent case in point.

Been planning this evening for weeks.

Front-row center for the Bolshoi, dinner at Andre's, a leisurely drive back to my place...

She said she was sorry she had to cancel. Something about the croup.

- Look at you. - What?

Tell me that briefcase is just for show, a little prop to intimidate the hired help.

You don't really plan on spending your weekend cuddled up with all that paperwork, do you?

Now it's not that I don't think your concern is *genuine*....

or your motives *pure*...

but would you mind skipping ahead and telling me where we're going with this.

- You look exhausted. - *Really*. Thank you.

- You know what my suggestion would be? - I shudder to think.

A night on the town away from the pressures from work.

You and me on, on, on a date?

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Sounds *wonderful*.

It will be wonderful.

And just when can I expect all this wonderfulness to happen?

- Actually, I was thinking about tonight. - Tonight.

- I don't think there is a moment to lose. - It's 5:45.

You wait until 5:45 on a *Friday* night to ask ME out?

Let me guess, Sheila has the mumps.

*Susan* got hit by a car.

Mary, measles. Doris, diphtheria.

Gayle, croup.

What difference does it make so long as you're free.

Oh, what in the world makes you think that I'm free?

It's *Friday* night, FRIDAY NIGHT.

- Big plans, have we? - Yes. As a matter of fact I do.

Look. You can think what you want.

but this briefcase is a *very* small part...

of what I expect to be a VERY full weekend.

Am I correct in assuming tonight's off?

Lock up when you leave.

Marie?

Ah, you're back.

It's hard to believe that two such beautiful women......

could work together on one small jumbo jet.

Tell me, is Deidra there?...

Thank you.

Deidra? Just got off the 'phone with Misha

and you'll never guess who fell into two front row centre seats for the...

Bolshoi.

Deidra? There's a man standing in my office holding a hat rack.

Hmm. Let me get back to you.

I'd ask you to take a seat but you've already helped yourself to some furniture.

Are you Remington Steele?

That all depends on how you feel towards Mr.. Steele.

- Who is it? - Steele.

I thought I made it very *plain* I have *plans* for tonight. I'm going OUT.

YES, you made it very plain

but I have someone here who *urgently* needs *our* help and I promise if....

you've ever encountered a more *desperate* creature in your life...

I shall LEAVE in an instant

Hello Miss Holt. My name is Sheldon Quarry.

H-h-hold on, just one minute.

Come in, come in.

What happened to him?

- It seems people are trying to kill him. - People?

- What people? - CIA. It's hair dye

The CIA? Why?

A whim perhaps?

The point is he wants *us* to stop them.

But why us?

Apparently we have the background for the job.

Perhaps we should caucus in the other room.

If you'll excuse us.

- "What background?". - Seems Sheldon works for the CIA.

Several days ago men started following him and people started *shooting* at him so he ran

and who did he run to? To none other

than that famous ex-CIA agent...

Remington Steele.

Oh my.

He must have read about you in the papers,

all that, vague reference to secret missions....

all that *gop* about government service

Yes, all that gop. Now what are we going to do about it?

Mr. Quarry?

- Sheldon. - Sheldon.

*What* would you say...

if I told you that Mr. Steele *never* had anything to do with the CIA?

Miss Holt.

Uhm. Let me explain something to you.

Down at the CIA, I worked in IR: That's information retrieval.

At, at the company I'm known as the answer man.

Wanna know how much wheat was harvested in the Ukraine in 1963?

I, I know that.

Wanna know how many MiGs can land on the Island of Baba off Cuba?

I know that too.

Wanna know who was Miss Reingold of 1957?

I'm the guy, the answer man, that's me.

So, *don't* try and tell me...

that things are not as I already know them to be.

I ran a thorough check on you...

And you have no birth certificate....

no fingerprints on record, no records of *any* kind

And you want me to believe that he wasn't with the company?

Well, I guess you have us there Mr. Quarry.

Sheldon.

Can we caucus?

What the *hell* are you doing?

WHAT did you want me to say? "I'm sorry Mr. Quarry, you're *wrong*.

Remington Steele *can't* help you because there *is* no Remington Steele".

Obviously there's been some kind of mistake,

he needs some help. Someone to *contact*,

whoever it is that you contact in a situation like this and...

And, and, and, and, and what? These are secret agents we're talking about.

*Bombs* Poison darts. Big fat guys with deadly hats they throw at your neck.

Uhm, I'm not interrupting am I?

I just wanted to say...

well uhm...

that being here with you people...

well it's the first time I've felt really safe in a long time.

What I mean to say is, ah...

I haven't had a sound night's...

sleep or a hot meal since Wednesday. I...

Sit.

Oh no, no, I didn't mean for you... No please don't do this on my account,

I, I don't want to be any trouble.

You eat this.

Thank you.

I'm supposed to get married tomorrow.... To Lucille.

As a matter of fact...

A decir verdad...

I was on my way to my wedding rehearsal

I was walking out of the agency...

and I see one of my ushers: Lenny Palmieri.

and he's s...standing across the courtyard, right.

And he waves to me, ... , ...

and he gives me a little nod like he like he needs a ride home

and I say yeah.

and he beats me over to the car.

And he must have seen the tuxedo boxes on the...

passenger seat because he walks around ...

and grabs a hold of...

the driver's door...

First thing I see is...

his body flying up in the air like...

ah, like he was let out some jack-in-the-box or something.

And he was almost funny.

And then I hear the bang and...

I see the fire

and then the smell hits me.

Oh my God.

Oh Lucille.

She, she probably thinks I'm dead by now, or, or wishes I was.

You haven't called her?

No. I, I don't dare.

They, they'd have a trace on her in a second.

Well...

there's not much we can do with regard to the CIA tonight.

But at least, let me put Lucille's mind at ease.

Ohh, gee Miss, Miss Holt...

I'm really sorry that you have to break your date on my account.