Anger Management

Okay.

So you walked in on me having sex.

I still think we should discuss it

instead of sitting here in awkward silence.

Everything is different now.

I know too much.

I've seen too much.

Look, I am sorry, I lost track of time.

But I guess that's one of the pitfalls

of using your house as an office.

And your pool table as a bed.

And an ex-hooker as a pillow.

Hey, Sasha wasn't a hooker.

Have a little respect. She was an escort.

Entirely different tax bracket.

Can we please move on?

Ahem. I hate my apartment.

Thank you, Lacey. Finally.

It's horrible, cheap, and dirty.

Kind of like the way I felt when I walked in here today.

Uh, hi, guys.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that.

I hope that didn't make anybody feel too uncomfortable.

- Nah. - No big.

Well, so long as everybody's cool...

- We're the coolest. When in Rome.

You know, I used to charge people to watch,

so you guys, y'all got off easy.

Okay. So that's done.

Lacey, if you hate your new apartment,

why don't you just look for another one?

I can't afford it. And I'm too depressed.

Even my shower's broken, so if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go take a whore's bath in your sink.

No offense to your girlfriend.

I feel terrible. I got her into that apartment.

I've got to be the one to cheer her up.

Well, Nolan, I'm afraid this is

one of those occasions that cannot be solved with weed.

I knew this day would come.

Well, as little as I'd like to help Lacey...

I have an idea.

What are you thinkin'? Like a makeover?

Oh, because I'm gay, of course it's a makeover.

I'm sorry, Patrick. What were you thinking?

An apartment makeover.

Shut up, Ed.

Lacey told me that she's going to be out of town for a couple of days,

so we can just fix up her apartment then.

If you expect me to bring my tools over and help...

pass.

Fine, Ed. We don't need you. We have tools.

I have fabric scissors and a thimble.

That's great if you want to turn her apartment into a sock puppet.

All right, damn it. I'll help.

Cool. And I've got one of those screw-lifter-outers

and one of those things you hammer with.

A hammer?

I don't know. Maybe.

Doesn't sound familiar.

- I gotta take off. I'll see you after work? - Mm, no, wait.

Uh, before you go, I think there's something wrong with your shower.

Sasha, we both know what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna follow you in there. We're both gonna get naked

and then spend hours running up my water bill. Am I right?

Yeah.

Do you realize that there are billions of people on this planet

that would kill for clean water?

Let's do this for them.

Sorry I'm late. There was a horrible traffic jam.

You missed our morning meeting

because you spent all day in bed with Sasha, didn't you?

No, it was like a 50-car pile-up.

I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, so it must be on the news.

No, no. No. It was mostly news trucks.

Hit a van full of radio reporters.

Careened into a cell phone tower.

Which is... why I didn't call you.

It's 2:00.

There is no way that you left at 8:30.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do you explain this?

Egg McMuffins, hash browns, pancakes, McGriddles?

They don't sell these things past 10:30.

And yet I have them.

There is nothing in that bag but a rock.

That's not true.

There's two rocks.

Charlie, every time she comes to town,

you become so obsessed, you forget what's important to you.

You're right.

I've been irresponsible and I'm sorry.

I don't deserve these McRocks. It won't happen again.

It better not. Because tomorrow

is the prison sexual harassment seminar at 9:00.

There's a sexual harassment seminar for the prisoners?

Someone might want to tell the guys in the shower room.

No, Charlie. It's for the employees.

One person from every department has to attend, and it's not gonna be me.

Every time I go to one of these things,

I'm always the pretty blonde girl that gets used as an example

of what not to do to a pretty blonde girl.

Well, just talk to them a little first.

Once they get to know you, they'll never harass you.

Hey. People who know me

find me totally harassable.

Tell you what. I'll go to this seminar

and you go to the one for people with delusions.

Anger Management S02E56 - Charlie and the Re-Virginized Hooker - Original air date April 10, 2014

Charlie, you're still a therapist, right?

I think so.

Right now I'm not even sure what my name is.

We're normal, right?

- What do you mean? - It's just...

we're having a lot of sex.

I mean, a lot of sex. Is this okay?

Are you kidding? This is healthy.

It's only a problem if it interferes with your life.

I'm gonna get some sleep. I've got a 9:00 meeting.

Charlie, it's 9:30.

In the morning?!

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with us?

Are you in trouble?

No, no.

I was supposed to be somewhere for Jordan, but...

you know what? She exaggerates these things. I'm sure she's fine.

So we're in a workplace environment.

And I'm about to talk to this woman.

I'm not lookin' here.

I'm not lookin' down there.

Turn around, lady.

And I am definitely not lookin' back here.

Turn back around, miss.

Now let's say it's an office party

and I've had a few too many.

And I've lost all respect

for personal space.

All right. I'm out. I've just texted Jordan that I'm on my way.

Oh, don't you have time for a late breakfast? I made you pancakes.

Oh, look, you made hearts.

No, those are my boobs.

And, if you turn this one upside down, it's my butt.

It's uncanny.

I wish I had time to eat the whole stack, but I'm running late, sweetie.

Okay, well, have fun at the office, dear.

- I hope you get that big account. - Me, too.

The boss is coming over for dinner tonight,

so go ahead and make your ass-shaped pot roast

and your twice-boobed potatoes.

See you tonight.

Hey, Sasha.

Is Charlie here? He missed a fun meeting

and I wanted to update him on what happened.

Look. I'm not going to lie to you.

You're too smart.

The guy next door was mowing his lawn and he cut off his foot.

Charlie had to drive him to the ICU

while he kept the foot in a glass of milk.

You do that for a tooth, not a foot.

Look, he is desperately running around trying to find an alibi.

He may not be able to tell time, but he's incredibly cute.

You know what else is cute?

According to the guys at the sexual harassment seminar,

my boobs, my butt, and my face...

If I would just smile.

Look, I'm sorry. It's kinda my fault, too.

No matter what Charlie and I do, we always fall in bed together.

You know what?

You should get dressed and let me take you to lunch.

- Really? - Yeah.

But don't tell Charlie. He doesn't like it

when his girlfriends mix with his girl friends.

That is so strange because just the other night,

we were talking about inviting one of my girlfriends over...

That's a completely different thing.

Boy, it's a good thing Lacey lets me have a key.

Otherwise we couldn't redo her apartment.

When you say, "lets you have,"

does that mean, "doesn't know you have"?

Hey, if she didn't want me to have her key,

why would she let me take it out of her hand

and make a copy of it while she was passed out drunk in the hallway?

What the hell are we supposed to do with this place?

It's smaller than a cat's ass in an all-dog orgy.

So here's what I'm thinking.

Lacey needs a place where she feels comfortable,

yet confident. Elegant, yet warm.

Sophisticated, yet earthy.

I wish you'd shut up, yet fall off a cliff.

Don't you guys ever watch those home decorating shows on TV?

They ask a person what they like,

and then they make a whole room about that.

Well, Lacey likes her Indian culture.

I say we fix this place up like a city in India.

Fill it up with garbage and flies

and bring some kids in to beg, then call it a day.

Ed, you know, they've really cleaned up India.

They have pretty good restaurants now

and nuclear weapons.