Ma and Pa Kettle at Home

Pa! Pa!

What's goin' on here?

Well, Ma, nothin' like a nice fire, this kinda weather.

From the looks of this, the Indians must've forgot how to make a fire.

Get away! Can't you remember to pull the damper?

How'd a bottle get up there, Ma?

That was genuine French cognac Jonathan sent me.

I was savin' it for the Christmas puddin'. Didn't want anybody to find it.

Should've hid it where I could've seen it, Ma.

Too bad you can't eat the wood!

It oughta be tasty, flavored with genuine French cognac.

Open the windows. I got bakin' to do before the kids get back from school.

I need more eggs. You three go on out to the farm and get 'em.

Just like... Sonja Henie.

Gotta fix that...

one of these days.

Ugh!

Hiya, Nick. How are ya today?

That's good, Nick. Glad to hear it.

Nick has a good outlook on the future.

Where that music comin' from?

I keep it on for the hens.

Music keeps them happy, and they lay more eggs.

Not many eggs. Must be too many commercials on.

We interrupt this musical program to bring you flash news.

Today m New York, the National Magazine announced“

that two Cape Flattery high school seniors,

Miss Sally Maddocks and Mr. Elwin Kettle,

have been awarded $ 100 each for writing the prize-winning essays on...

“My Life on a Typical American Farm." Land cfficshen'.!

The regional grand prize is a four-year college scholarship.

The contest judges were greatly impressed with Elwin Kettle's...

vivid description of his family's farm.

With the chicken house made of glass brick...

and filled with a flock of prize fat hens.

The well-kept grounds, which feature everything...

an efficient, modern farm can boast.

The redwood silo almost bursting with grain.

The spanking-clean white barn, the sleek milk cows, contented hogs,

prize goats, a satiny black champion bu/I

Congratulations to Sally Maddocks and Elwin Kettle.

Seems maybe Elwin exaggerated a mite here and there.

And how. Shut up. You talk too much.

I better get home and talk to Ma about this.

Nick, you come back here! I ain't got time to chase after you.

He's after the Maddockss Bessie again.

Can't keep Nick away from that cow.

Careful with them eggs.

Ma! Oh, Ma!

Heard somethin' mighty surprisin' on the radio a while back.

Yeah! I know all about it!

Well, then, what makes you so sad?

This.

There's a $100 check in it, all right.

But the letter says two judges are comin' to Cape Flattery and spend a week on each farm.

Well, we got plenty of room for 'em. Hmph!

Listen to this.

“The judges will decide which family provides the best environment...

“for bringing up their children as ideal farmers and good citizens.

The child of the winning family will be awarded the scholarship.”

Yeah. But what does it mean?

Pa, environment means physical conditions under which we live.

Those big words gets your Pa all mixed up. I'll tell him.

The way our farm looks is gonna count in thejudgin' too.

The old place ain't just exactly as Elwin said it was in his essay.

He did dress up the truth... a mite.

I oughta withdraw from the contest.

Didn't want to enter it, but the teacher made all the seniors do it.

Did the contest rules say you had to tell the exact truth about your own farm?

Not exactly.

You upset because you don't want to compete against Sally?

She wants to go to college too.

But Maddocks is the richest man in the county.

Wouldn't strain him none to pay Sally's way.

The real strain comes a-gettin' Maddocks to part with his money.

I'm gonna talk to Sally. You do that, son.

And I'll bet she tells you to stay right in the fight.

Ma, what did we ever do...

to get such a smart son?

For one thing, we got married.

Hi. Hi.

I can only stay a minute. Dad told me to clean out the chicken house before dark.

That's no work for a girl. You know I'm as strong as a boy.

Yeah, but I'm glad you don't look like one.

I hate for us to be competing against each other.

So do I. I think I oughta withdraw from the contest. No, you mustn't.

I told Dad I wanted to withdraw, but he won't let me.

Why the devil can't you Kettles keep that bull locked up?

Next time he comes around here botherin' Bessie,

I'm gonna use buckshot instead of rock salt.

Sorry, Mr. Maddocks. You get outta here too.

You get back to your chores.

If you stayed on your farm and did a little work,

you'd have a chance to win that contest.

We'll move back to the farm.

We'll show Maddocks what the Kettles can do! We'll show 'im.

We'll have to get the farm fixed up before the judges come.

There's plenty to do. Sure is.

I'll have Geoduck and Crowbar go to work tomorrow.

We'll be needin' a lot of things.

And Billy Reed's not gonna give us any more credit until you pay him what you owe.

Pa can use my prize money.

That don't seem right, son,

but I don't know what else we can do.

Pa, stop chompin' on that carrot.

Remember, Ma, carrots is good for seeing at night.

When'd you ever stay awake long enough at night to see anything?

Are those the goats you wanna sell, Mr. Maddocks?

Yeah. I got no use for 'em.

I can always find a buyer for ya. How much you want for 'em?

They're worth $40. I'll let 'em go for 30.

Are they well behaved... for goats, I mean?

Oh, sure. just like little lambs.

Okay. I'll see what I can do for ya.

Howdy.

Howdy, fellas.

Mighty pretty goats. Friendly little critters.

Friendly? Why, those--

Sure, real friendly. They're the best goats in the county.

Got them from a top breeder from Colorado.

Look like the ones your Elwin wrote about in his essay.

Might be in the market for some goats.

Sure would dress my farm up.

Wanna sell these? But... I guess you wouldn't.

You can have them for $1O0. I won't charge for the feed they've “et“ since I bought 'em.

By golly, I'll take 'em. Got a $100 check right here.

You oughta be ashamed of yourselh.

for spendin' Elwin's money for those smelly goats!

Why can't Pa take the goats back? Ya can't do that.

That'd be the same as sayin' Maddocks has outsmarted Pa.

Billy, take that thing away from my potted plant!

Let him alone, Ma. He's getting his units of chlorophyll.

Yes, and a stomach full of my prize “philodoldrium?

Get away from my philodoldriums!

- Careful now! -

Ya shouldn't have done that, Ma.

You get those darn goats over to the farm before they wreck me and the house.

Just as you say, Ma.

It's a long walk, huh?

C'mon, little fellas.

Outside. That's the way to do it.

You gotta know how to handle animals, Ma.

Geoduck, Crowbar, come along.

Whoa!

Howdy, boys. My credifs good again.

Billy Reed's rentin' our other house,

and I can have anything I want.

Look. He even gave me six cans of tobacco for a present.

Here, have one on me.

That's for the two of ya.

Share and share alike.

Well...

let us go to work unloadin' this stuff.

- What do you mean, “us“? - You and Crowbar.

You shouldn't play with that paint, Crowbar.

It's mighty expensive stuff.

Yes, sir!

In no time at all, it wouldn't surprise me to see this place...

turn into the prettiest farm in the county.

Them New York judges'll think so... I bet ya.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Afternoon, Mr. Mannering. I wish you wouldn't sneak in on me like that, Pete.

I almost drenched my petunias. I'm sorry, Chief.

How do they look? Seem to be improving, all right.

You know, these were the most pooped-looking petunias I ever saw...

until I started feeding them my special fertilizer...

and bought this little greenhouse for them.

For a city-bred man, I have a remarkable instinct for growing things.

That's one of the reasons our publishers selected me as one of the contest judges.

It was a cinch for your brother-in-law to pick you. Naturally, with my ability.

Miss Young, has a package arrived for me? Yes, sir.

Your farm background and your activities in the 4-H Clubs...

are the reasons my brother-in-law selected you as my colleague.

Plus the fact that you needed a photographer along.

Here's the pistol you ordered from Abernathy and Flitch.

Pistol? What for? After all, we are going into the Wild West, you know.

And I understand there are still Indians living near Cape Flattery.

Sure, there's quite a reservation, but-- One must always be prepared.

Have you called my broker and had my life insurance increased? Yes, sir.

And are you studying the instructions I prepared...

so that you know exactly how to take care of my petunias?

I am, sir. ls there anything else? Yes.

Call my valet and tell him to be sure to pack several suits of heavy undermre--

heavy undergarments, a hot water bottle and my electric blanket.

Yes, sir. Electric blanket?

One cannot be too careful. I hear that the nights are very cold in the state of Washington.

But some of those farms may not have electricity.

My electric blanket has a battery.

I want you to get a new bottle of my throat spray,

a large bottle of my vitamin pills...

and an extra-large carton of paper cups.

Will that be all, Mr. Mannering? No.

Call my doctor and tell him I'll need my monthly examination before I leave.

And tell him to be prepared to give me an anti-mosquito-bite shot.

There won't be any mosquitoes this time of year. You never know.

There might still be one rugged individual buzzing around.

Mosquitoes are great disease carriers, you know.

That will be all, Miss Young. Yes, sir.

I'll see you later, Chief. I'd better get my cameras and equipment ready.

What a paradise this Kettle farm must be!