Veep

Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball.

Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but...

the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.

Well, hit Chung with inexperience

and Maddox with resignation...

actual and general air of.

Yeah, I want their heads on my wall.

- Actual heads. - God, I love this kind of talk.

Gets me aroused. Sorry, I meant roused.

No, did I... I meant aroused. Aroused.

- Hi, Catherine. - Hi.

- Americano, dash of cow. - Thanks.

Whoa, who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy?

That's Jackson. I hired him to sharpen up Selina's answers.

- He's a writer. - Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners.

Just me and my iPad,

which I like to call the "Zinger Sewing Machine."

Oh. So you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh?

No, it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself,

but our carrying on is what she would have wanted...

- does want. - Okay, let's rehearse the debate.

Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?

Let's see. "I don't know anything about NAFTA,

but I do know about baseball.

Baseball, baseball, baseball.

Look at my muscly chest. Vote for me."

- Ben, you are Owen Pierce. - "Well, I'm a baby-faced,

know-nothing congressman from 'Shit Stain, ' Nevada,

who's got the newly dropped balls enough

to think that... I can run for president."

Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox.

Don't do the voice, though.

I've only ever used this voice,

- even as a young child. - Okay.

Sec Def Maddox, where do you stand on crime?

Well, right now I'm coming across pretty hard-lined,

so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.

Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota

and I'm coming off as too soft,

so I'll try to out-hard Sec Def Maddox.

They've got more flip-flops than the cast of "Baywatch."

- What? Oh, my God. - Well, maybe... I don't know if it's gonna be "Baywatch."

There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...

You know what, son? You should only talk

if someone pulls your string, okay?

And even then, you just say, "Tickle me."

I like his jokes. They're jokes, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Okay, everyone, a drumroll.

That's not really a drumroll.

- She's coming. She's coming. - Ready?

I think Gary's about to come.

- Don't do it. - It's too much buildup.

It's too much buildup.

Rebranded.

What do we think? I love it.

Love it... love it. Looks great.

I never knew you had so much neck.

- I know! - I mean that in a good way.

- Right. - I think necks are neat.

I'm going to go show everybody myself.

- Okay. - Okay, let's go do it.

Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.

Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has always wanted,

- but was too afraid to ask for. - Right.

- Everything about it says... - "Tomorrow."

- ...tomorrow. - Yeah.

Hello. Oh, no, don't be shy.

If you feel like you must applaud, then, you know.

Oh...

No, it's fine. Don't, don't.

Look at that, Mom.

People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or... or siblings.

Well, that's not the haircut.

That's always been the case. We always get that.

- Hi. - Ma'am.

- Yes? - Can you sign this to the max, please?

Yes.

Getting nothing here.

- Thank you. - Okay.

"Short hair for the long haul."

- That's good, I like that. - Thanks, guys.

- Very good. - What is it with you two?

It's like... it's like flirting, but sexless.

- Well, look, it's "George Looney." - Hey, Kent.

Dan, what are you doing here?

Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike.

- I need to be here. - So, did they cure you or whatever?

No, I did not need to be cured, Michael.

I diagnosed myself with an acute case

of "everything's fine."

Can I get anybody a coffee?

- Uh, yes, please. - Yeah? Okay.

Milk and two heaping spoonfuls

- of whatever the fuck you're on. - Me, too.

'Cause it frames my face. Yeah.

Oh, excuse me, buddy.

- Oh! - Oh. I didn't even recognize you.

- Look at you. - Look at you.

- I love it. Do you love it? - Yeah.

Uh, ma'am, I just wanna say again... thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - And I'm still very sorry that I... you know,

I let it all get to me. But I've cleared it out.

I'm much more centered. I'm better.

Yeah, well, like I said before, I forgive you.

- Because I'm nice... - You are.

- and because I need your brain. - Thank you.

But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again.

And get rid of this.

- Ma'am, continuing to love the hair. - Thank you.

- Welcome to debate prep. - Oh, good.

- Mike is Chung. Uh-huh.

- Kent is ex-Sec Def Maddox. - Ooh.

- Ben is Owen Pierce. - Oh, that does look like him.

And Congressman Furlong is Joe Thornhill.

- Baseball. - Yeah. Oh, God.

Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something?

Let me tell you something. Thornhill's the one to watch,

because he is a complete asshole.

Actually, you know what? Here you go, buddy.

- Thank you. - Coffee for the Golden Bear.

I have a buddy who is inside MLB and he said it's possible

that Thornhill might have had an affair.

Ooh. Do we have proof?

Yeah, is there a smoking condom?

It supposedly happened about eight years ago.

Eight years ago? It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben.

- Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then. - You did.

All right, well, we just need another reliable source and then...

we can make it an affair to remember.

Bam!

God, I feel so powerful!

I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head.

Well, if Thornhill strayed once, there might be others.

Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky.

Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?

You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Sorry to interrupt, but I need these looked at, stat.

And the president's office is on the line.

Oh, my God. The president will not stop calling.

I just can't seem to get him out of my hair.

- Ma'am? - Did you notice?

- You have a new haircut. - Yeah.

- And a twitch. - What?

I thought I was just feeling it. You actually saw it?

- It's really, really, really tiny. - You've seen it?

When you feel it happening, maybe you smile through it.

- Oh. - Oh, there. Aha!

- Did you see that? - Not at all.

Sue, I cannot stress to you enough

the uninterruptability of this meeting.

Well, maybe I should get my mother to sign these papers.

Sue, do not test me. I do not want to have a scene here.

I will not have a scene.

Somebody should check if they're having makeup sex.

- Gary. Gary! - What do you think of the new cut, huh?

- Do you like it? - Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary.

It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.

The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it.

People don't elect elves, okay?

They put them to work in grottos

or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.

- Okay, that's dwarfs. - It doesn't matter.

Do you really think it's too short?

Yeah. She looks like k.d. lang.

Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer.

"Strap-on Selina," "Selina Navratilova,"

- "fingering the dyke." - Oh, Mike. Why are you so angry?

Because you have created a fuckload of work for me.

I have to go out and find a friendly style reporter,

get 'em on our side... preferably a blind one.

- You're married to one. - A blind woman?

- Okay. - Oh, Wendy. I'll text her.

Okay, do you think we could add extensions or something?

I'm up for extensions. What are extensions?

The first thing is defense spending.

Yeah, well, then we use the drawdown-lockdown.

- Right. - Fuck-what which-way?

Draw down troops abroad, lock down the budget at home.

Our line can be "Thornhill's hitting home runs and away runs."

- Can you have "away runs"? - Yeah.

- No. - Okay, so what am I attacking Chung with?

- HA-HA. - What, are you laughing at us, "Pee-wee Sperman"?

- Oh, stop it. - HA-HA...

"Health care, air pollution, high salaries, and Afghanistan."

Position on immigration.

Okay, well, my position

has always been clear on immigration.

Um... oh, God, what the fuck is that thing?

- The three Rs. - Oh, the three Rs.

"Reaffirm, reform, renew."

- Renew. - Yes.

I don't think I like the three Rs, you guys.

- I like them. - You do?

Okay, yeah. I like them, then. I like 'em.

Okay, so, moving on. Do you think that your London trip

harmed the "special relationship"?

Absolutely not. We still have a very special relationship

and I'm very much looking forward

to the upcoming royal visit.