Life in Pieces

_

Which is a 50-point bonus, so, um...

Uh, "thesbian" is not a word.

"Thespian" is a word with a "P".

- No, no, no, no. - Yeah.

Thesbian is a gay thespian.

- (phone buzzes) - Please look that up.

Ugh, it's Chad. He's here to pick up Princess.

Wait, you told him where I live?

Princess has a tracking implant.

Why is he always peering through things?

That's really creepy.

Evening, Chad, how can I... ? Okay.

- Can we talk? - Hi, Chad.

Like, without any lurkers?

Anything you want to say to me, you can say

in front of both of us.

Fine.

To whom it may concern:

As you may be aware, I have recently accepted

a plea bargain for a reduced prison sentence

for my ongoing kerfuffle with the IRS.

In light of my impending incarceration,

I have prepared a list of final requests.

This is a standard practice

that everyone knows about and does.

Uh, is this really standard? I'm not...

This is my time. This is Chad time.

Let's begin.

Make love with Colleen one last time.

- No! - Absolutely not. No.

: See what else we have here.

Nope, nope.

Hold on, hold on.

Do any of these requests not involve us having sex?

- Oh, wow. - I knew it, I knew it.

Come on, guys!

I'm going to prison.

Cannot happen fast enough.

You got to do something for me.

You guys are like the only family I have.

You, you're like my best friend, Mitch.

We've met twice. My name is Matt.

- Yeah. Okay, look, maybe we do something

like... like a-a last meal.

Like your grandmother's tamales.

Aw, that's sweet.

Yeah, fine.

Are you serious?

We were together for three years.

It's the least I can do, a last meal.

Okay?

Tonita's tamales.

- And then you can take me to prison. - Fine. Great.

- Seal it with a kiss. - No. Hey.

- No. - Wasn't talking to you.

Are you sure you're okay doing this?

Look, if it gets you closure and we can move on,

you know what, I'm all for it.

Right, after today, we are free and clear, okay?

Just us.

No more of... that.

He didn't used to be this weird.

- God. - (clears throat)

We're gonna see what kind of man you really are.

I requested she make the tamales...

extra spicy.

I'd just like to point out the fact

that she went black and did, in fact, go back.

Two alpha males going at it.

Mm-hmm.

- Abuelita! - Nieta!

- My beautiful girl. - ¿Como estas?

This is Matt.

- Hi. - Who I was telling you about.

Mi corazón.

Mijo!

Come here.

- Muy bien. - You look beautiful.

Okay, here we go. One, two, three,

four, mm, mm, smoke it.

Okay, let's wait inside.

- This goes on a while. - Okay.

One more time. I want to get it perfect.

- Yeah, all right. - Excuse me.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. - Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

I would say these are your best tamales ever, Tonita.

I am so honored you wanted them.

Actually, I just asked for Colleen to sleep with me again.

But these are good, too.

Why you not have sex with him?

He's your fiancé.

You give him your word.

He is not my fiancé anymore.

I'm with Matt now.

And Chad's going to prison for tax evasion.

He lied to everyone.

But look,

he's wearing a blazer.

You know what?

I bought you this.

The guy at the store said it's a traditional Mexican tequila,

so I wanted you to have it.

Thank you, Mark.

M-Matt.

It's the same tequila my stepfather used to drink.

Oh, wow, that's so cool. I had no idea.

Before he beat my mama.

- I'm so sorry. - I don't, I don't know.

- (softly sobbing) - Okay.

Great job, Mark.

Mm-mm-mm, don't you do it.

Don't you cry.

Don't you let them see you cry.

This usually goes on for a while.

Okay.

Well, that's not the way

I wanted to meet your grandmother.

You're gonna have many more opportunities

to get her to like you.

Today was about Chad saying good-bye.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna be honest with you, man.

I think that actually went pretty terrible for you.

Okay. But it was very fun to watch,

as somebody emotionally removed from the situation.

Thank you, Chad.

I feel the same way right now about taking you to prison.

I can't believe I'm going to prison.

Oh, it's not Guantanamo Bay.

They have a water slide.

Yeah, I'll get some reading done.

Probably get my own room.

Get to work out as much as I want.

- Mm-hmm. - During the allocated hours, of course.

But have some time for rest and reflection.

Take an honest assessment of how I got here.

I can't do it.

- Chad. - Uh, what is he doing?

He's just being dramatic.

He'll get back in.

Watch, he's fine.

Chad! Chad!

Chad, get back in the car.

I'm coming back for you, Colleen Brandon Ortega.

Just you watch.

Oh, I'm full of tamales.

Chad.

Don't do this, Chad.

Don't forget to give Princess his pills!

So much for closure and moving on.

_

Mom, Dad.

Hi!

Hi there!

Oh, hello.

Baby delivery for the grandparents.

Have at her.

You've got shoes!

Oh, they're adorable.

And you're not even walking yet.

Well, they don't have to be so tight, do they?

Oh, I see. Well, that's helpful.

Isn't that helpful, Greg?

Did you learn how to walk?

Wine?

Yep. Thank you.

Tell me when.

Till it hits the air.

- Tip-tip-top-top her off. - Oh.

That's half the bottle.

- Yeah, perfect, perfect. - Cheers.

You like that pacifier, huh?

Let me take...

You're going with a pacifier.

You obviously don't-don't like them?

Oh, no, no, all my kids

were self-soothers.

It's just so hard

to wean them from a pacifier.

But you've read all that.

You're such a good mom.

Well, not as good as you.

Oh, well, you know.

By the third kid, you kind of get it right.

Thanks, Mom.

Where's her hat?

It's chilly in here.

I'll go get the hat.

We don't need a hat.

Oh, well, it's fine.

I'll turn on the heat.

Hey, why do you always take your mom's side?

I'm not taking anybody's side.

Okay, well, that's a problem.

I need you to take my side.