Futurama

As Mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off

the 83rd or 84th annual e-waste recycling festival!

Down in front!

Sorry. I get aroused in crowds.

I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump...

this old, inefficient vote rigger!

These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable.

I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.

So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet.

Please not to throw away.

I give you happy poopie time.

Sorry, you know too much.

Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence.

Flexo?!

What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?

Haven't you heard?

Us bending units are dangerously outdated.

We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfunc...

Who are you talking to?

No one. Your mama.

Shut up.

Take your pick.

Scoop Chang, New New York Times

online podcast blog comments editor.

Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous?

Not at all, Scoop.

Not after it's hauled off to the third world

by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies.

Good news, nobodies!

Greetings, my friends!

It shan't take long

to strip down your clunker.

There's nothing wrong with our clunker.

Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium

to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners.

No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste.

Pity. We're halfway done.

This thing is 40% chromium!

Gentle now.

Gentle with the hoverdumpster.

Ready for processing!

What smells like bloody sinuses?

We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals,

safely releasing the toxins into our air

and drinking water.

Ugh! That's the worst thing I've ever seen!

Really? Then don't look over there.

Okay, kids.

Let's play find the shiny!

That's even more horrific!

Is all the work done by children?

No, not the whipping.

Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling,

but a better solution is to use our electronics

as long as possible instead of throwing them out

in the first place.

I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone,

even if it is outdated.

Hello, Miss Turanga.

Your call to Saint Louis has gone through.

Well, let's at least throw this tv out.

The batteries in the remote are getting low.

No! Put that back and turn it on!

I was just trying to help.

More on this breaking puff-piece after a word from our sponsor.

With the new eyephone,

you can watch, listen, ignore your friends,

stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus,

even check your e-mail while getting hit by a train.

All with the new eyephone.

From Mom.

A new eyephone?! Forget this junk.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do!

- So long! - Sayonara!

- Bye-bye! - Good riddance!

- Yup! - Toodle-oo!

Come on, let's buy some eyephones online.

Wait. I thought we were buying our eyephones online.

We are on line.

But I thought the Mom store was across town.

It is across town.

- But I thought... - Stop thinking, fry!

I feel like a mindless zombie.

I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.

The eyephone has an app for that!

Is there an app for kissing my shiny metal ass?

Several!

Ooh!

Oh, no, the light!

I guess I'm off to hell.

Oh, no, the light!

That's the store, Professor.

Whuh?

Swow! It's that obscure

underground song

that's constantly playing everywhere.

Hello, dearies.

Welcome to the Mom store.

The new eyephones are in short supply,

so please form an orderly...

- Out of the way! - I need...

Are there any left?!

There may be one.

Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier,

the battery can't hold a charge,

and the reception isn't very...

Shut up and take my money!

The new eyephone is wonderful.

I use it to check recipes and send threatening e-mails

to unauthorized third-party app developers...

Say, you're from one of those ethnicities

that knows about technology.

Why is it called an eyephone?

I'll explain after I install it.

Neat.

Now for the ear piece.

But my favorite app is called twitcher.

Ow!

Twitcher lets you send and receive short messages

or videos called twits.

Why, here's a twit now.

Hi, mom. I love you more than can...

Low battery.

But don't takey word for it.

Unbiased-reviews-dot-mom says twitcher is the killer app.

And when I say killer app,

I mean killer app!

Ow!

And now another downloadisode

of the Real Housewives of SIM city.

She needs to reset.

I'll say it to her face.

No wonder traditional media is dead.

Check out this webisode of hypnotoad.

Enjoy your outdated format, grandpa.

Nowadays, cool kids like me mash up our own phone-isodes.

It's from the kidnappers.

My nephew is alive!

And he's... in this envelope.

They cut off one of my dimensions!

No! No!

Oh, my God, it's Bender!

He'll save us!

What's happening to me?

Is it puberty?

It's a phone call, dingus.

These eyephones are phones, too?

Duh.

- Fry-lo. - Hi, Fry.

Did you know these eyephones are phones, too?

Duh. Hey, is it safe to talk while you're flying?

Oh, totally. This thing's hands-free.

That's how I can eat this taco. And this spaghetti.

Ow!

I'm hanging up now.

Hey, check out this Internet video

of some idiot crashing her spaceship!

Ow!

You recorded that?

The eyephone records everything.

All I did was add a laugh track

and twit it to my 10,000 followers.

Ow!

Oh, that reminds me.

It's time to my hourly twupdate.

'Sup, followers.

Fry here.

Burping eggs, scratching my underarm fungus,

looking for love.

Send.

Underarm fungus?

Ugh! Too much information.

Ow!

It's exactly the right amount of information!

For years, I've collected personal data

with old-fashioned methods, like spybots and info-squitos.

This guy sure loves porno.

But now,

thanks to twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out

every fact I need to exploit them!

Target acquired, mother.

Fire direct marketing algorithm!

Do you suffer from the heartbreak of...

My underarm fungus.

Then you, Mr. or Mrs....

Need the soothing relief

of mom's caustic anti-fungal bleach!

Oh. Can I somehow charge it

to my eyephone for an additional fee?

Hell, yes!

Hey, fatso, stuffa you face!

This thing always seems

to know when I got the munchies!

Attention followers.

It's free topping day

at the Pizza Place across the street! Send.

Duh. That's why we all came over here for lunch. Send.

Greetings followers.

This is day five

of my solo kayak journey around the world. Send.