Teachers

Tap and touch very light,

just like in life.

Tap and touch with everything.

Where is this going?

And we're just gonna finish up here

with a couple of happy little birds,

and we are done, friends.

Another mountain landscape out of nothing.

Carl Fromm, from what magic are you made?

Mrs. Adler?

I didn't know you smoked cigarettes.

You look really cool.

- I wasn't smoking, Max. - Yes, you were.

I smell smoke,

and smoke just came out of your mouth,

and there's a cigarette in your hand.

Okay, you got me,

but smoking is not cool.

Yes, it is. Obama smokes, and so do you.

Both my heroes smoke.

Yeah!

I have some very disturbing news.

I found a marijuana cigarette on school grounds this morning.

Oh, please.

I don't roll my weed.

That combined with the fact that I don't smoke cannabis at all

makes it impossible for that to be my bone...

J...

marijuana cigarette.

Obviously. It couldn't be a teacher.

It goes without saying that

no faculty member at Fillmore has ever smoked dope.

So you've never gotten high?

Only if you count sunshine on my shoulder...

like my man John Denver?

Anyway, I've already called

Drug Information and Resistance Education.

A DIRE officer will be visiting

every class at Fillmore over the next week.

I don't need some narc up my butt all week.

I can teach the kids drugs myself.

No one is teaching drugs.

You hear that, guys? No teaching drugs, okay?

Great, now I have to listen to some pig

oink about how drugs make you lazy and unmotivated,

which is total bullshit.

Caroline, are you still coming to church with me?

There will be lots of nice, young single men.

I matched with someone named Gub,

so, yeah, I'll be there.

- I quit smoking. - Congratulations. When?

Five minutes ago.

- What? - The last time you tried to quit,

you told me to hide your cigarettes

and then freaked out and threatened to...

and I quote... "rip out my trachea"

if I didn't tell you where they were.

That was just locker room talk.

Anyway, it's different this time.

One of my students caught me smoking in the parking lot.

I am never letting my kids see my smoke again.

- Good luck. - Don't need it.

Willpower and self-control are wicked virtues.

She's the worst.

So, for homework, everyone can just complete

the even-numbered review questions

at the end of the chapter. Okay.

Why don't we do the odd questions, too?

Because that would be too much homework.

But isn't the purpose of the questions

to review the chapter?

Yes, yes, it is.

So then why don't we answer all the questions?

Because then I'm gonna have twice as much work to grade,

and I have a life, which you wouldn't understand,

because you think that the horses that you ride

- are your best friends! - Uh, Deb? Uh...

Huh?

I think you might need to satisfy your oral fixation.

Maybe you'd like a piece of gum.

Maybe you'd like to get a razor

so that the rest of us don't have to see

your armpit hair poke out the side of your crocheted tops.

Okay...

um, let's go ahead and begin our lesson.

What you got, Picasso?

Last night I got super high and went on Groupon.

Now I got to play trampoline basketball in Winnetka

and glow-in-the-dark WhirlyBall in Skokie.

Hello, ladies.

I'd like you to meet Officer Chuck.

He'll be doing the DIRE presentations this week.

Hi, thanks for having me.

Did you say something?

I thought I heard something.

I-19.

This is great!

And you thought that Old Testament reading was fun.

Did I?

Hey, that guy's cute.

- I'm gonna go talk to him. - Oh, we're in the middle of a game.

- You can't distract him. - B-2.

Fine, but as soon as this lame game's over,

I'm introducing myself.

That's a $175 Brooks Brothers sweater.

N-36.

Is that bingo?

- Oh. - Oh, my God, I've got bingo!

Bingo! This is amazing!

Yes! I win!

Bingo! Oh, yeah, b-b-bingo!

Better luck next time.

Wow, Caroline, you did great.

I was sure you were going to stop

after that cute guy in the Blues Brothers sweater left.

Brooks Brothers?

I was going to, but then I was only two squares

away from bingo, so...

I'm single, not stupid.

Oh, okay, well, I'm glad you had fun.

I think I'd like to come to church with you more often,

you know, to, like, pray and...

stuff.

Okay!

Amen.

And at the end of our talk,

I'm gonna ask all of you to take the DIRE pledge

to be completely drug-free

- and to spread the DIRE message. - Just like the Hitler oath.

I'm sorry, did you say something, Ms. Feldman?

- No, go ahead. - Okay.

- Nazi. - Excuse me?

Just do your presentation, dude.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right.

Now, I think you all know why I'm here.

Your principal found marijuana on your campus,

and marijuana's illegal.

In some states, it is legal for adults.

Yeah, but in all states, it's illegal for minors.

Just like tobacco and alcohol,

but they don't send off Sir Friendly around

to talk to the kids about that,

because those drugs are controlled by corporations.

Actually, I am gonna talk about alcohol and tobacco.

Oh, very good.

So I'm sure you'll talk about how each year,

alcohol kills 88,000 people.

- That's right. - And tobacco...

480,000 people.

- Yeah. - And then there's marijuana.

My Google must be broken, 'cause it's saying zero.

Okay, we're gonna take a ten-minute break.

- What are you doing in there? - What are you doing in there?

I'm trying to save these kids' lives.

I'm trying to save their freedom.

I believe in freedom just as much as you do.

- Oh, you're a fascist. - You're an anarchist!

N-42.

- Bingo. - You got to be kidding me!

I play 16 cards without winning a single round,

while Grandma Moses over here gets three bingos

on just two cards?

What's going on?

Is that your nephew working the tumbler?

What are you trying to pull here, Granny?

Caroline, you can't talk to Mrs. Willis like that.

She waters the church plants.

Hey, look, that cutie patootie is over by the snacks.

Maybe you could go talk to him.

He's wearing embroidered lobster shorts.

Are you crazy? They're about to do another round.

Hey, loan me a 20.

That last trip to the ATM maxed me out.

- I don't have any cash. - Oh.

Oh, okay.

Who here wants a Cartier watch for 20 bucks?

Huh?

The kids were exactly the motivation I needed

to quit smoking.

The combination of a noble goal

and an iron will has made me unstoppable.

Nicotine is my bitch.

Hey, you got another piece of that gum?

I want to punch her in her smug face,

but it is pretty impressive how well she's doing.

Actually, it's not.

I've been dosing her with nicotine gum.

Ooh, sneaky, Cecelia,

like teaching kids about the Bible

using cartoon vegetables.

Guess who's going on a date tonight.

What? I didn't know your vagina worked.

- With who? - Officer Chuck.

We made out in the hallway. No big deal.

- I thought you hated cops? - So did I.

But he kept coming back at me,

and no matter how hard I argued,

he wouldn't give an inch.

It was so wrong, yet...