Almost Adults

Cassie?

Cassie?

Cassie?

- Cassie. - Hmm?

Did you sleep in my bed again last night?

No, I just came in here this morning

to cuddle with you.

Like, I get that you're obsessed with me,

but you have, like, a really nice big bed,

and that's only, like, ten feet away.

It's really not that hard to walk to.

Well, your bed is so much more comfy.

I don't know. It's weird sleeping without Matthew.

I'm just not used to it yet.

So you're using me.

Duh.

So who's gonna make breakfast today?

Mm, I made it last weekend, so probably you.

Uh, no, I made it last weekend.

No, that was two weekends ago, remember?

No, that was last Saturday.

- Blueberry pancakes. - Fine.

Rock, paper, scissors over it?

Fine.

- Ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Really? - No? Okay.

- Oh. No. - Okay.

Okay, fine. Whatever. I'll make it.

Yes!

Under one con-di-tion.

- No! - Yes.

You have to promise never to leave me. Okay?

Matthew is gone, and you are all that I have now

in my sad and lonely life.

That is a lot to ask for in return for pancakes.

They're blueberry pancakes.

Fine.

But just for the pancakes.

Bacon melt cheeseburger,

Philly cheese steak.

A pulled pork sandwich.

You'd think they'd have more vegetarian options.

Right? I mean, god forbid a vegan tries to eat here.

You know,

the people that don't eat any animal byproducts.

Oh, we know what vegans are, honey. We have the Google at home.

Oh, babe, don't call it "the Google."

You're making us look uncool.

No, I think it's kind of hipster of me

- to call it "the Google." - You know, even if it's wrong,

if mom wants to call it "the Google,"

then we should support her.

- Thank you. - Well.

Do you know what group of people tend to have

a lot of vegans, actually, is...

- Lesbians. - Oh, really?

W-we're gonna need a couple more minutes.

Thank you.

It's a shame Matthew couldn't make it out this evening.

Uh, well, he was busy so...

Working nights to pay his way through med school

during the day.

That's one ambitious man you have.

You must be so proud.

- You're dating a doctor. - Hmm.

He's gonna cure cancer one day.

Well, he's at the chiropractic college.

So he's gonna be a chiropractor.

But if you guys think that's one step closer to curing cancer,

then, sure, yeah.

He's gonna save millions of lives.

This place is really dope.

Oh, good use of the word "dope," honey.

- Mm. - A lot of the kids

from campus hang out here.

Like, the other day, we couldn't even get in

'cause the whole softball team was having a party here.

Did you know that most of the girls on the softball team

- are les... - Let me guess.

- Lesbians? - Is it lesbians?

I, um,

got that internship at the creative agency.

- Mm. - That's wonderful.

- How much does that pay? - Well, it's an internship.

So, I don't know, roughly like six figures.

- So nothing. - Uh,

I think that a ten dollar per diem

is a lot more than nothing.

How are you gonna survive on ten dollars a day?

I don't know. Dumpster diving.

Be serious. We worry about you.

It's a good thing that you have Matthew.

Especially if I get cancer.

You know what? I was gonna wait until

we ordered dessert, but I think I'm just gonna...

Oh, I hope they have something

with bacon bits on it.

I hear that's like really trendy right now.

Bacon is my favorite food group.

I wouldn't mind like a hot fudge sundae, though.

Ugh! I'd share that with you.

You know, with some drizzle and some nuts on it.

- Salty, something sweet... - We'll get two spoons, okay?

Excuse me. I'm trying to tell you guys

something extremely difficult and heart wrenching,

and, I mean, it might kill me,

so a little respect, please.

John, put your fork down.

MacKenzie's having a nervous breakdown or indigestion.

- I can't tell. - Can't be indigestion.

I mean, she's hardly touched her food.

John, please focus on our daughter.

- She's dying. - Thank you, mom.

Hmm.

Mom...

Dad...

I'm gay.

No, no.

No.

Oh, god, why?

No, MacKenzie.

How could you do that to us?

What did we ever do to deserve this?

Oh, my god, no.

MacKenzie, no!

So how's the planning going for your Europe trip?

Um, it's been postponed.

But this is the final summer you're free.

And soon Matthew will be working all the time.

You don't him to take time off work

to go gallivanting across Europe.

Matthew's probably just busy, honey,

with school and work.

- He's gonna be a doctor. - I know that, dear.

I just thought I'd be nice for him to take a break

from all of his hard work.

You know, I just...

Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there.

Matthew and I

broke up.

What does that mean?

It means we are no longer dating.

Oh...

Oh, my god.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Honey, we know.

What do you mean you know? How?

We read your diary every night when you went to bed.

We're your parents.

We just know these things.

And I found a copy of "the l word" under your bed

- like five years ago, - yeah.

Alice is hilarious. I mean, Bette is terrifying.

I hate you both.

What? What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Well, you must've done something

for him to break up with you.

Uh, actually, I left him.

But thanks for assuming he dumped me.

Why did you break up with him?

He was perfect for you. He was perfect for you.

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, honey.

He proposed.

What?

Are you...

- A lesbian? - No.

I'm not a lesbian. But you know what?

Sometimes I wish I was.

Don't say that. That's horrible.

So...

Is it Cassie?

Is it Cassie what?

- Is Cassie your lover? - Eck. Eww.

Please don't ever say "lover" again.

- Lover. - Ugh. Ugh.

And, no, Cassie isn't gay.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Besides, I haven't told her yet.

Told her what?

That I'm gay.

Ah, don't worry about it, honey.

- I'm sure she knows. - Mm-hmm. Honey, you're a...

What do they call it, John?

- A hundred footer. - You are a hundred footer.

And you guys are just completely okay with this?

To be honest, I was worried you were going to tell us

- you were a vegan. - Yeah.

I mean, I'm relieved that you're gay.

- I mean, men are assholes. - Mm-hmm.

If I could be gay, I would be.

That's disgusting.

- Babe. - And how did it go?

It was horrible. It was worse than expected.

I don't even want to talk about it.

Oh, doll, that's really shitty. I'm so sorry.

Like, they didn't even care at all.

They showed no emotion whatsoever.

No, that's a lie.