Breaking In

How long have you been shooting this?

17 years, baby.

While my stupid classmates were all building friendships and self-esteem,

I was building a death star out of popsicle sticks.

Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactors.

We'll be destroyed for--

Dad!

We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!

Spoiler alert!

I play all the characters.

Yahoo! You're all clear, kid.

Now let's blow this thing and go home!

Spoiler alert!

You die a virgin.

Oh, baby, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

It's either 'cause of that 9-hour energy drink,

or 'cause today I'm finally getting to meet your dad.

Babe, he's gonna love you. Trust me.

I know, but I wanna make a good impression when he gets here,

so I decided to wear underwear.

Yeah, this tiger does not like to be caged.

Cool. You're dad's coming to visit?

Yeah. I know. It's been forever.

Lucky. My parents are all over me.

"When are you gonna come visit? Why don't you have a girlfriend?

It's okay if you're... you know."

Well, uh, my dad's kinda sorta been in jail the last five years.

Fun-comfortable.

No, guys, it's fine. I'm just really excited to have him back.

I mean, the guy taught me everything I know.

My very own lock picking case!

The rest of your gifts are out there somewhere, sweetheart.

Now go get 'em.

Look at this report card.

I can't believe you forged my signature like this.

How many times have I told you?

I loop my y's.

Wow. Your childhood sounds really interesting.

Me--I was just raised by couple of lesbian astronauts.

Bye, sweetie. Your mom and I are going back to space.

Lame.

Well, my dad's the best. He sent me one of these postcards

every month for the last five years,

telling me how proud he was of me.

I'm gonna be just-- Silence, woman! It's Ana Ng!

Dang!

Hey. Oz is calling a team meeting.

I love you.

And I-I mean, I don't love you... like that.

I mean, I say that a lot 'cause I live with my mom.

Damn it.

What you are looking at is an exact scale replica

of the Culver Modern Art Museum.

Check out the detail on that--Ow!

No touchy, Dutchy. This thing cost me 800 bucks.

I asked Creepy Carol to mock it up for me,

and apparently, I "didn't set a price limit."

You never set a price limit.

I "wasn't clear."

You weren't very clear.

I'm "so scary I make her tinkle."

Uh-oh.

I digress.

The museum has hired us to test their security.

And if we break in, we get paid to revamp their system.

Cha-ching!

So I've decided we are going to break in and steal this.

It's their most expensive piece of art.

Uh, I-I think your screen's broken.

No, no. It's not broken. This is the piece.

It's called "White on White on White,"

and it's worth $10 million.

$10 million? What, for a blank canvas?

I bet you if it was called "Black on Black on Black."

it'd be worthless.

Social commentary.

That ain't art. No...

This is art. Yep.

It's a tattoo of tattoo.

Huh? Think about that one. Whose mind did I just blow? All y'alls!

Clearly, you all lack the sophistication

to appreciate the nuance of this piece.

Everybody, just take a moment and really look at it.

I mean, lean in.

Allow the power of the paint to--to wash over you.

Ha ha! Art! God! Every time!

All right, rule number 22-- He who mocks it least is in charge.

And the "he" this time is Melanie.

Hey, I'm Melanie. I'm teacher's pet. Oz loves me!

I'm Josh. I can't take a deuce at work, so I drive home.

Oz, make her stop.

That's my girl.

Oh, my God! Dad!

Well, well.

A little impromptu family reunion. Isn't that nice?

Hey, Cam. No freaking way!

I'm like a Steve Miller band reunion tour.

Dads love me.

'Sup, old slice?

Dutch Nilbog.

Hey, man, I just want you to know

that I think the world of your daughter,

and nothing would make me happier

than gettin' to know the man who spawned her.

So, uh, what do you say we grab a couple four lokos,

hit up the T-Bell, get our chalupa on, and just keep it 100?

I have no idea what he just said.

He wants to split a beer with you, dad.

Oh. Then, no. Dad!

A'ight. Yeah, that's cool. No, no, I'm just glad

you're out of the clink safe and sound, sir.

Free at last! Oh, you just, uh,

told a room full of strangers I was in prison.

Thanks, Dutch. No, no, no.

I didn't mean... like, the bad kind of prison,

with the shank and then the... butt stuff.

I'm wearing underwear. Okay.

Well... you must be the boss man.

Larry. I'm Oz.

Hey, Oz.

I wanna thank you for keeping my girl gainfully employed these last five years.

Well, your loss has been our gain.

Melanie's a real asset to my team.

Oh, dad. This is our hacker, Cameron. Hey.

Oh. A hacker. I shared a cell with a hacker. Oh, yeah?

Killed his whole family with an ax.

I hack computers.

That's better.

Hey, Mel, you think you can carve out a little time today

to hit up Billy's Burgers with your old man?

Like the old days?

I know an invitation when I hear one.

Let's grab some burgers! Oh.

Seems like a nice guy.

Oh, yeah, he's a real peach, for a guy who's about to con us.

Oh, come on. You don't even know him.

Oh, I know him, but he doesn't know me.

See, I'm the guy who put him away.

If Oz asks, tell him I ran home.

I have some... personal business to take care of.

It's gonna be a photo finish.

Are you serious? You're the one who put Melanie's dad in prison?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, chatty Cathy.

At least let me activate the Oz cone of silence.

Cone activation initiated.

There. Now everything we say is private.

Take, for instance, all the secrets I am privy to

about the U.F.O. that crashed at Roswell.

Let me tell you something, kid. It happened.

...Probes. So what's on your mind?

All this time, you're the one who busted Larry,

and nobody knows.

Larry was working the long con. Got himself a job at a bank,

worked his way up to loan officer.

Turns out, all the money Larry was investing

was going to his alias, Mr. "Gordon Shumway," and mustaches.

By the time the bank figured it out,

Larry was long gone, and they hired me to get the money back.

What I didn't know at the time was Larry had a daughter.

So you felt bad and gave her a job.

I never feel bad,

but I got a world-class lock picker.

The only thing is you can never say a word about this to Melanie.

This is a secret you and I are taking to the grave.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not a part of this.

Sure thing.

Don't wink. Please stop winking.

Gotcha. You're still winking.

I've been tracking Larry for the last five years.

Rule number seven-- A tiger never changes his spots.

I'm pretty sure tigers don't have--

Rule number eight--

Never contradict me.

Morning, Cash.

Uh, technically, it's 12:30,

so it would be "good afternoon."

When you wake up, it'll be morning.

Larry is here to con us.

And we are gonna stop him.

You want me to bug him?

I'm not comfortable spying on Melanie's dad.

Let me tell you what isn't comfortable. It's when something...

...Lengthwise.

Yes, that sounds very uncomfortable.

Bye-bye.

Okay, guys.

I sent you encrypted e-mails of the museum's schematics.

Now once we're in the gallery, we're gonna be up against one

of the most state-of-the-art high-tech security systems.

Which won't be a problem if I hack in and deactivate it.

True, but there's also weight sensors in the wall mountings.

Which means we need to swap in a duplicate white painting.

Yeah. Not a problem. We're the best.

What's up, my wookiees?

And it was almost a normal meeting.

Good news. I only got one more scene left

in my "Star Wars" remake.

It's the scene where Leia kisses Han Solo,

but I haven't had any luck casting Leia.

Ew. No.