M*A*S*H

The way they do things in the army

is the stupidest thing I ever saw.

Nothing goin'’ on. They should let us go home!

‐Klinger. ‐As soon as it got busy,

I promise I'’d be back like that!

I'’d even leave my uniform here for security.

Am I right, Major? Doesn'’t that make sense?

Curiously enough, Corporal, yes, it does.

Not only would your empty uniform stand up straighter,

it would be better company.

Oh, is that so?

Aah! Touché.

Once again I lie mortally wounded,

skewered by your rapier wit.

‐Oh, don'’t be so high and mighty, Chuckie. ‐Ch‐‐

We haven'’t heard any conversation from you at all.

All we ever get out of you is polysyllabic put downs.

Ah, polysyllabic put downs.

Oh, blow it out your bagpipes.

Now, look, folks, we'’re cold and we'’re bored,

but there'’s no reason to take it out on each other.

I remember one night in France in WWI,

an entire company of tanks just froze shut.

Couldn'’t get the drivers out.

Had to slip '’em vittles through the canons.

Colonel, in the first place, I don'’t believe a word of it.

Secondly, I hear the frozen tank fable

every time the temperature dips below freezing.

And thirdly, don'’t you have any warm stories?

‐ALL: Yeah. ‐Oh, come on, we'’re freezing here.

The point is that it is not necessary

to keep sniping at each other,

especially your beloved commanding officer.

Now, let'’s hear a little warmth from you folks,

or I'’m gonna get a little hot under the collar.

Listen, what do you say

we go someplace cold and get warm?

Why don'’t we stay here

and have some stimulating conversation?

Okay, but I'’m warning you. One or two words and I'’m over stimulated.

Oh, I'’ll take my chances. What'’s your favorite color?

My favorite color? Off blue.

What kind of a question is that?

Oh, just your general safe kind. Bye‐bye.

Okay, red, hot pink, puce.

Uh, Hawkeye, could I trouble you to make a fist, please?

A what? A fist? Somebody picking on you, Father?

Oh, no, no. Just make a fist.

‐Okay. ‐That'’s the ticket.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐Uh‐huh what?

Just testing a medical principle.

The distance around a clenched fist

is the precise length of a human foot.

Here, lift your foot up. I'’ll show you.

Oh, dear.

No wonder you walk funny.

Excuse me, Father.

Uh, Beej, could I talk to you for a minute, please?

‐Will you excuse me? ‐Terrific.

Yeah, sure. What'’s the problem?

I'’ve been getting some very funny questions tonight

like, uh, how big is my foot?

What'’s my favorite color?

Two people asked me if, uh, if I'’d ever had a pet.

They'’re interested in you.

You have to realize these people are very bored.

I seem to be the object of some kind of a conspiracy.

So naturally, I thought of you.

‐Me? ‐Come on.

I'’m not in the mood. What'’s the joke?

Shh! W‐‐ Just‐‐ Sit down.

I, uh, took the liberty of borrowing your birthday.

You what?

‐Shh! Will you‐‐ ‐You what?

Hawk, will you look around?

See how depressed these people are?

They need something to do. A surprise birthday party

is just the thing to cheer them up.

What are you, nuts? It'’s not even close to my birthday.

Perfect! You'’re not using it. It'’s part of the surprise.

Borrow your own birthday.

Come on. You'’re gonna love it.

I'’m gonna hate it.

A whole day of letting people slap me on the back.

Laughing at their stupid gag gifts,

and pretending I'’m surprised?

And then, when it really is my birthday,

‐nobody'’ll believe me. ‐I'’ll believe you.

You don'’t hear too well. Read my lips. Drop dead.

I can'’t. I'’m in charge of the party.

Everything okay with the party?

Perfect. He doesn'’t suspect a thing.

Oh, great! This is gonna be so good.

He doesn'’t know a thing.

Hey, hey. Dr. Borelli is here!

Wonderful! Klinger,

go take the doctor'’s bags to his quarters.

And tell the cook to get a hot meal ready.

Not now! After you get his bags.

Well, come on, Colonel. Don'’t you want to meet him?

Uh, just waiting for orders, Major.

Dr. Borelli, how nice to see you again.

Oh, you'’re Major, uh, Major, uh‐‐

Houlihan. Margaret Houlihan.

Oh, of course you are.

You haven'’t met our C. O., Colonel Potter.

Colonel.

How do, Doctor. Nice to see you.

You have no idea how welcome a new face is around here.

Fine, fine. But can we go inside before I freeze it off?

You want to go to the mess tent?

Might have some hot chocolate left.

We can do better than that.

How about if we amble over to the "O" Club

for a few CCs of real antifreeze?

Wonderful idea.

Ah, the place hasn'’t changed much.

Sir, I'’ll put this stuff out to thaw in the VIP tent,

then I'’ll bring everybody right over.

‐Here'’s to long lives and short wars. ‐Hear, hear.

And welcome back to the 4077th.

Ah, here'’s Our Gang now. Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat,

and you already met Spot.

Spanky Pierce? What, are you working with a new alias?

Didn'’t I always know you as Hawkeye?

Hey, doc.

These are the new kids on the block,

B.J. Hunnicutt, Charles Winchester.

‐How do. ‐Hello.

Barkeep, I'’ll have a martini. No, uh, scotch.

‐No, uh, scotch and soda. ‐Scotch and soda?

Cognac.

I'’ll have a cognac too‐‐ with a beer chaser.

Give me strength.

You got a lot of new people here.

You still got that cuckoo

who runs around dressed like Dame May Whitty?

‐At your service, sir. ‐This is his tomboy look.

‐(shivers) ‐What'’s the matter, you cold?

‐Yeah. ‐Why don'’t you move here, closer to the stove?

‐I'’m fine. ‐Come on. Move over.

The colonel'’ll move. He won'’t mind.

Uh, well, you wanna‐‐

Uh, Margaret, would you mind shifting over one?

Who'’s got that scotch and soda? I had scotch and soda.

I'’ve got mine. Whose is this?

Comfy‐cozy, Pierce?

‐Hey‐‐ ‐I really think you should open your coat.

‐I'’m cold! ‐Sure!

You'’re cold because your coat is not open and the heat can'’t get to ya!

Now, come on. Open it. There. Isn'’t that better? Of course it is.

Well, Dr. Borelli, what new medical information have you brought us this time?

As a matter of fact, Major, I'’m here with a new technique

for treating peripheral nerve injuries.

‐How exciting. ‐We'’re doing repairs on severed nerves now.

Oh, this is more than repairs, Pierce.

I'’m gonna show you a new graft technique,

replacing entire segments.

Nerve grafts sound damned ambitious

for a bunch of meatball surgeons.

The question is, will we have time?

Around here, it'’s first come, first saved.

This is kind of a body shop.

We send '’em down to Seoul for major tune‐ups.

Surely a procedure of such delicacy

would require two, three hours.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Trust me.

Now, I know you won'’t always have time to do this,

but when you do, won'’t it be nice

to have the ability to perform the operation properly?

‐Of course. ‐(muttering agreements)

Fine! Then we'’ll go over it step by step at the lecture.

You can give us all the poop

in the morning in my office at 0800 hours.

Whoa, Colonel, back it up.

Don'’t let this soldier suit fool you.

I'’m just a camouflaged civilian, you know?

Now, for the last couple of weeks I'’ve been on the go.

I'’d like to rest up a little tomorrow morning.

‐Okay. How about 1600 hours? ‐No, you better make it 4:00.

Okay, suit yourself.

Now I'’ve got some paperwork to finish up.

What say we put a cork on it for tonight?

‐Good idea. We'’ve all got things to do. ‐Aha.

Klinger, don'’t you, uh, have to‐‐

Mmm. Oh, yeah. I'’ll be back.

Put the cognac in the refrigerator so it won'’t spoil.

I will kill him. He is a dead man.

Good night, all.

You leaving?

No, I think I'’ll have one for the road I just drove in on.

Join me, Pierce.

‐No, I gotta go. ‐Come on. Relax.

Hey, bartender, scotch on the rocks. Same for the captain.

I'’m drinking scotch and soda.

Pierce, what do you want with bubbles?

They kill the taste and give you a hangover.

I wanted something different.

Come on. Try this.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Better, isn'’t it?