Fam

Dude, if I have to sit through another minute

of this corny rom-com, I'm gonna do something unthinkable.

Like homework.

Shh. This is the best part.

When I lived with Dad, the sappiest movie we ever watched

was... oh, Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

When you lived with Dad, you ate Pringles for dinner

and didn't have hot water half the time.

Well, I'd rather freeze to death in the shower than sit here

watching white people trying to stop other white people

from getting married.

Hey, I happen to like movies about love

when they make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

And anything with The Rock in it.

Especially Moana.

He's a sucker for romance.

I love love.

- Clem and I are like a rom-com. - Aw.

The stars aligned, destiny brought us together.

I truly believe that.

- That's nothing to be embarrassed about. - Of course not.

- Totally is. - What?

I think it's sweet that Nick is such a romantic.

You know, he remembers everything about us.

First meal we shared?

Hot dog. We ate it Lady and the Tramp style.

Well, Clem's a tramp, so I guess that makes Nick, um,

yeah, the lady. That's right.

Clem knows everything there is to know about us, too.

When was our first kiss?

Central Park,

- near the ice rink. - Mm-hmm.

That homeless guy asked if he can get down with us.

Yuck... That's right.

Listen, it's great you guys got together and all,

but I hate to break it to you: destiny

: had nothing to do with it.

If you two hadn't met each other, you would have met

other people, and you'd be saying

you'd be destined to be with them.

Now can we please watch something rated "R" for extreme violence and gore?

No. And if you interrupt Sandra Bullock one more time,

there's gonna be a lot of extreme violence and gore

up in here.

Clem, this place is gonna be transformed

for your engagement party.

Standing table here, here, and the bar

will be over there.

Which means I will be over there.

Don't worry, we'll put up "do not serve" posters

with Shannon's face all over the bar.

Well, Shannon's not the guest I'm worried about.

Your father has insisted on inviting

his old college buddy Joe, and the man's in love with me.

Oh, God. Here we go again.

He is, Walt.

And just because you can't see it

doesn't mean it's not there.

: Yeah, like when we went to Ireland,

and you swore you saw a leprechaun?

So, what are we gonna do for music?

: Well, it's too bad you don't know

a Tony-nominated performer

who could sing at the party... Oh, wait, you do. It's me. Me.

You're gonna be busy, Walt.

Because after the cocktail hour,

your father will be hosting The Nearly-Wed Game.

What the hell is a Nearly-Wed Game?

It'll be fantastic. I'll ask Clem and Nick questions

about their relationship,

and then they'll compare answers to see how well

- they know each other. - Oh.

Cool. You should totally ask about when they had a three-way

with a homeless man.

It was not a three-way.

One person got naked, it was not us.

Okay, okay. Well, I'll give you an example

of what kind of question I might ask.

Uh, all right. What was the name of Clem's first pet?

Goldie the goldfish.

May she rest in peace. Jinx!

Ooh!

And after the game, I will give my speech.

It's gonna be so funny.

Oh, yeah? Who's gonna give it?

Me. In fact, why don't I give you a taste of the goods?

Ooh.

"They say when you marry someone,

"you marry their whole family.

Well, I hope that's not true, because that's polygamy."

'Cause, 'cause it's illegal.

And that's her opener.

Sweetheart, as funny as you are,

maybe you ought to try the more romantic route.

Like, uh... ooh.

Tell the story about how you and Nick met.

Oh, Rose, that is a great idea.

We know you met in a bar,

but I don't think we know the whole story.

Mm-mm.

The whole story? About how we met?

Yeah, yeah, the whole story.

Ah, no. I don't think anyone cares about that.

Oh, come on, Clem. Just because I don't care

doesn't mean nobody cares.

Hey, people love that kind of stuff.

Come on. What do you say?

Sure.

Wonderful.

I remember

how your father swept me off of my feet.

It was in a hot little jazz club in Harlem.

And Joe has been heartbroken ever since.

Yeah.

: And the leprechaun disappeared

into a hollow log.

Walt.

I know what I know, and I saw what I saw.

Shannon.

I mean... Shannon.

Evan. I mean...

Help.

My parents are going to the engagement party.

I'll be there, too. Are you looking forward to it?

I was.

Would you open the trash chute?

Oh. Oh, I shouldn't.

I'm allergic to bees.

The last time I threw out the trash, I got stung by one.

My tongue swelled up so much that I couldn't speak.

Come on, bees. Save me.

I'm allergic to basically everything.

That's why I always keep an EpiPen in my pocket.

And I thought you were just excited to see me.

Uh, I am excited to see you.

Oh, Evan, you sweet little innocent boy, you.

See you, virgin.

What... what makes you think I'm a...?

Mm, she's right.

Ugh. Evan is so desperate.

Why do you find guys like that attractive?

Excuse me?

Well, you know, Nick and Evan are, like, basically

the same person, so I'm just wondering,

at what age do we start settling?

Can you not right now? I'm freaking out.

I'm working on this speech about how I met Nick.

So?

So, I don't remember how I met Nick.

What?

I was super drunk,

and I don't remember anything from that night.

But I guess I met him at some bar, and he gave me his number.

Wait, so you texted him, even though you didn't remember him?

Not exactly.

Later that week, I was with my bestie, Ben...

_

Who am I going home with tonight?

Ooh.

- 1-800-Waiter. - Yes.

Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, could I have the... you?

I get off at 10:00.

Guess who's getting off at 10:15.

Wait, but if you leave me, what am I gonna do?

Aren't you still dating that super tall, blond dentist dude?

What's his name? Nick?

Nick. Yeah, no, we're not dating, we're just hooking up.

He is so hot but so dumb.

But since you're ditching me, I guess I will text him.

"U up?"

I love how that's all it takes.

Like, why would anyone not date men?

Wait, so Nick used to be a super tall, blond dentist?

No. That's the whole point.

I didn't remember meeting Nick, so I didn't realize

that I had two Nicks in my phone.

Oh, my God! So you booty-called the wrong Nick.

Exactly.

Okay, so what happened next?

- _ - Hey, Nick. Where are you?

I just got here. I don't see you.

I'm sitting at a table.

Where?

- Hey. - Hi?

- Nick? - Yeah.

From the other night.

Nick from the other night.

I remember you.

Yeah. Uh, which is why I texted you.

Obviously.

Well, I remember, too.

Which is why I showed up.

Obviously.

- Yeah. - Here...

Yeah, thank you.

Wow. Uh...

Are these flowers for me?

These? Yeah.

You know, who else would they be for?