Stephen Merchant: Hello Ladies... Live!

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Stephen Merchant!'

- (Cheering and applause) - (Music playing)

This is it! Here we are!

- (Music playing) - (Crowd cheering)

- (Music stops) - This is it!

Don't... What are you... Don't stop just 'cause the music's stopped!

This is the moment! Goodness me!

No, now you're...now it's too much. Now it's too... It seems phony now.

- (Man) Whoo! - Yeah, course you're excited.

You couldn't believe how funky it was, could you, mate? Put it there, player.

Course you are, yeah. You've just got no idea.

What's that? Someone trying to take a picture? Course you bloody are.

Here we are. Right, there you are.

Well, you want a record of this moment, don't you? Course you bloody do.

Just the one photograph? No, there's one more up there. So, just two people.

Three. Four. Good. OK, yes.

Wait a minute. You want something different, each one of you?

Yeah.

Yeah? Got everything you need? All right, good.

All right, here we go. Comedy. Right. What shall we talk about?

It's not your responsibility. I should have thought of something before I came out.

Don't feel bad, don't feel bad. Don't worry. Not your job. it's not your job.

Don't... No, don't... That's it, don't worry, don't worry. All right, comedy.

Oh! It looks easy on the telly, doesn't it? Um...

Comedy, comedy, comedy. Right. Now, then, OK. All right.

So, why am I doing stand-up comedy?

All right, let me explain. Couple of reasons.

First reason I'm doing stand-up comedy

is that any money I make I don't have to share with you know who.

So, that's... Exactly, yeah.

Er...

So, er...Let's hope it goes well.

Um...and the main thing I'm going to be taking about this evening,

the reason I'm doing stand-up comedy is,

I'm gonna be taking a lot about my search for a wife.

- (Mild cheering) - Yeah, no, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill.

Um...this is the problem, just to make it clear.

No, there's a couple of honeys.

You can hear them already. Er...checking me out.

Um...and I'm interested... I'm looking for a wife, not a groupie, all right?

No, 'cause I've... I'll tell you what's happened.

I've dabbled with groupies in the past, and it started fine,

and then very quickly descended into lots of late-night phone calls.

You know. "Call me or I'll cut myself."

You know, and she did not want to hear that, you know?

It was a downer, she said. "It was a bit of a downer, Steve, that call."

So, um...

So, I'm gonna be taking a lot about my search for a wife, which, um...

er...it's not gone great, it's not gone well.

Um...if it had, I wouldn't be here tonight. Course I wouldn't.

Um...for those of you that don't know who I am, by the way... Huh! As if!

No, there's always a few. There's always some. You'd be surprised.

What I've done is I've brought a couple of my cuttings along.

This first one I'm gonna show you

is my first ever appearance in a national newspaper.

All right? I was very excited.

Because we did a TV show and we won an award in the States.

We went to the Golden Globe Awards.

Anyone here been to the Golden Globes?

No? Oh, that's strange. No, no, no, no.

It doesn't matter. Anyway, let me explain.

What it is, it's a very glamorous awards do in America,

and it's the only one

where they have the TV people and the movie people there.

So, I walked in and it was like there was Tom Cruise, there was Clint Eastwood.

There was, you know, Anthony Hopkins.

It was one of those places where you thought, "If they drop a bomb now,

"we're gonna lose the world's greatest movie stars

"and Matthew McConaughey."

It was really extraordinary.

So, here's my first-ever appearance in a national newspaper.

Very proud of it. Very, very proud of it.

Um...I've got a minor quibble. It's... I'm almost loathe...

You won't even notice it. You won't even notice it. Just a minor...quibble.

It's me at the back...

...there, um...

To be fair to the photographer, to be fair to the photographer,

he had barely seconds to decide whether to include the top of my head

or the top of those bald bastards' heads down there! He went with them!

That's who he went with.

That's what people...that's what people want to see over breakfast.

Um...before we move on, just to explain,

the current Steve height is six foot seven.

- (A few cheers) - Six foot seven, yeah.

Well, no, careful. No, hang on.

Because you presume that it's a very glamorous height.

Six foot seven, of course, the same height as Peter Crouch the footballer.

Although unlike Crouchy, you won't be opening a Sunday newspaper

and reading an interview with a prostitute, "I slept with Steve Merchant."

All right? I have slept with one.

She doesn't want anyone to know. It's annoying. It's annoying, if I'm honest.

It pissed me off, because she said I was tremendous

and she would know because she's a professional.

Um...yeah, she'd have no reason to lie.

I said to her, I said, you know, "Sell your story. We could split the money."

And my parents'll be flipping through it. "Oh, Elaine! Turns out he's not gay."

You know, win-win for everyone.

But, er...you can't... you can't reason with a crack whore.

Um...am I right, sir? He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows.

So, er...six foot seven, current Steve height.

And, um...you know, some people think, "Well, it'd be great to be that tall",

because, you know, tall is considered generally good.

But it's very weird, six foot seven,

'cause on the one hand it makes you a little bit cocky, a little bit arrogant,

and on the other hand, a bit self-conscious, a bit awkward.

Um...so, the cocky version, like, let me just, as an example,

um...bee-bee-bee-bee...sir, what do you do for a living? Do you mind me asking?

You kept your head down but it didn't work, did it?

- Scientist. - You're a scientist?

Ooh!

All right. Yeah.

- And...and how tall are you, sir? - Er...five ten.

Five ten? Scientist five ten.

Now, this is the arrogant part of my brain

thinking, you know, I could spend a day sort of as him.

Do you know what I mean? I could just go about...

What shall we do? Stick an ear to a goat or something? Whatever, yeah.

Well, we've got a grant. Who gives a fuck? Yeah.

It's pretty much how your day pans out, isn't it?

Something like that. Do you know what I mean?

Whereas it'd be much harder for you to spend the day as me, wouldn't it?

You'd need the built-up shoes and the awards and stuff like that.

It'd be tricky. No, it'd be tricky!

I'm not gonna go, "Do you know, I've just..."

That's the arrogant part of your brain thinking, you know, "Oh..."

'Cause I've been... You know, everyone in this room, I don't know.

Unless there's anyone who's taller than 6 foot 7. Is there?

No? Then that means I've been...I've been all of your heights at some point.

It's quite a sort of cocky arrogant thing.

But on the other hand, it's too big, six foot seven. It's too big.

You don't need to be this tall. I was always very self-conscious, growing up.

I always wanted to seem smaller, growing up.

Like when I was a teenager I just spent a lot of time just leaning.

Oh, yeah. Or just spending as much time as possible in the distance.

Oi! How's it going? No, stay there, stay there. It's fine, stay there.

Nothing's made for you when you're six foot seven.

Um...most...most beds, for instance, are six foot four.

So, Steve's feet are off the end there.

Most door frames are... most door frames are six foot six.

So, if I was stood behind a door that...it'd be like that.

That's pretty much what you'd see.

Just one reason why I'm not a Jehovah's Witness.

'Cause that'd be weird, wouldn't it? That coming to the door.

Bing-bong! Hiya!

Could I talk to you about God at all?

I...I've brought some pamphlets if you're interested.

I...

Could I step inside your home for a second? Thanks very much indeed.

You...you've got everything you need? You're fine? All right, cheers.

I've got to...I've got to sort of stoop as I go through doors.

My doctor said to me, er...my doctor said, "Be careful with stooping,

"because you can get curvature of the spine if you do it a lot."

And he said to me, "What you should do when you walk through a door

"is bend at the knee."

Makes it very difficult to storm out of a room.

You can stick this job up your arse, all right?

I may not have any income. At least I got my dignity.

It's a nightmare. Six foot seven's too big.

Like I'm on airplanes, particularly those sort of short-haul flights.

You know, where there's...there's no extra leg room if you want it.

You know, even if you want sort of business class.

So, I've got to sort of cram myself into the regular seat, you know, wedge in.

Oh, God! The stewardess comes over. "Why are you in the crash position?"

"I'm not in the crash position!"

Can't sort of get the...the tray down flat 'cause of my knees.

So, I've got to sort of...I've got to sort of eat my meal from the aisle.

Go past. No, it's fine, go past. Go past.

Occasionally if I'm very lucky, if I get...

if I get to the airport, you know, three days in advance, camp out,

then I can get the, er... emergency exit aisle.

This is... But this has got its own problems.

I don't know if you've ever had the emergency exit aisle

but what you don't realise if you don't have it is you do get the extra leg room

but there's a whole bunch of other responsibilities.

So, when you sit in the emergency exit, the stewardess comes over

and she says, "Sir, just to let you know, in the event of a crash landing,

"it's your responsibility to have consulted the information booklet

"and if we do crash-land, you've got to open the door

"and help other passengers off."

What? How does she imagine that's gonna play out?

Oh, my God! No!

Oh, for the love of God, no!

Mother!

Right, Let's get this door open. Ah.

Thanks for flying with us. Thanks very much indeed. Thanks very much indeed.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Mind the, er...pool of piss and shit and vomit there.

Er...that was me. That was my fault.

I, er... When the wing snapped off, it just, "Boom!"

There. Both ends, both ends.

Please fly with BA again. Thank you very much.

So, er...awkward. Self-conscious in other ways. Not just 'cause of the height.

Awkward. Felt very self-conscious because I was accused of being a geek.

I know this comes as a huge shock.

I remember I didn't know what that word was. Didn't know what that word meant.

And I remember a girl at school said, "Steve, you're a bit of a geek",

and I sort of...I asked her, "What does that mean?" and she explained.

And I remember saying, "Sorry, how am I a geek?

"I'm the only person in this school who's got a Blue Peter badge."