Call Your Mother

Whoo! It's the big one!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Yeah, kind of ruins the mood when you announce it.

No, no! It's the big one! It's the big one!

Okay. Here, let's get under the doorway.

Okay. Celia, do not panic, okay?!

If we don't make it out of this, I --

Oh.

Oh, I think it's over.

Okay.

Ow! Splinter. Ohh. Oh.

3.6?

Maybe 3.7?

Nailed it.

Hey, baby. Does my wound look infected to you?

Uh, what am I looking at?

This little dot?

Is it smaller than a germ?

If it's not smaller than a germ, than a germ can get in,

and, Celia, if a germ can get in, then I can die.

Oh, my God.

Mom's missing!

I went to check on her after the earthquake, and she wasn't home.

I mean, this is her first L.A. earthquake.

She's probably on a flight back to Iowa.

Or hiding under somebody's porch.

I think it's best for our relationship

if I never know why this syrup was on your nightstand.

Mom, you found your way out from under the porch!

Ow!

Mom, what are you doing here?

I came to check on Freddie.

Okay, well, I'm not dead, by the way.

And neither is my phone.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I should've called.

You're just so good in a crisis, I wasn't worried about you.

She re-wrote the tornado protocol

for her elementary school.

They gave her a plaque.

We told her it was even better than having friends.

Ow!

Mom! Jackie keeps hitting my wound!

Ugh, you're such a baby.

Oh, yeah? Really? You want to know what that syrup was for?

'Cause it's nothing babies do.

We're having eggs.

- Captions by VITAC --

Hey, Mom? Does this look okay to you?

Ooh, can't be too careful.

If it's not smaller than a germ, a germ can get in.

I'm going to get you a Band-Aid and some Neosporin.

Freddie, what are you doing?

You already asked me about your hand, and I said it was fine.

That doesn't count, Celia,

'cause you're not in the club.

Mom and I are not a club.

You know, it's ironic that you're the favorite

when you're also the one that does the least.

It's like you're rewarded for being selfish.

I'll bet you didn't even check on Mom.

No. This wasn't even that bad of an earthquake, Jackie.

The one during quarantine was way worse, and she was fine.

Mom wasn't here during quarantine.

I know. That's -- That's what I'm saying.

What are you saying?What are yousaying?

What are yousaying?

Mom, were you here during quarantine

and you didn't tell me?

No.

Are you lying?

Yes.

In my defense, I asked you if I could come, and you said no.

So did the CDC!

I said no because you're old and I wanted to save your life.

Freddie didn't even care if something happened to you!

It was right at the beginning.

Nobody knew anything.

People were putting Amazon boxes in the oven.

It was madness.

Yeah, I showered with my groceries.

Plus, I had no idea how long we were going to be inside,

and I wanted to see my kids.

And you made such a stink about how mad you'd be if I showed up,

it just seemed easier not to say anything.

So, what did you guys do?

Just sit around and talk about me?

No, we didn't talk about you at all.

Of course not, because Mom was already with her favorite.

I don't have a favorite.

And we did talk about her, remember?

I said the lady in the antidepressant commercial

reminded me of Jackie.

Wow. What a win.

No, no, only aftershe started taking the pills

and she was learning to tango.

Okay, uh...

I am so sick of being the third wheel in my own family.

If you ever remember my phone number, don't call me.

You're in Danny's house?

This is a chance

for you to find out if you should date him.

Now go check his nightstand drawers for anything freaky.

Sharon, stop it! And keep your voice down.

He's right outside with the building inspector,

checking for earthquake damage.

Oh. There's someone here.

You're the lady who lives in the back.

Yes. Jean.

And you're Cheryl, right?

Mm-hmm.Uh, the ex-wife.

Ooh! The ex-wife!

Not ex yet. Right.

Uh, Danny said I could wait in here until the inspector's done.

Oh. Shedoes look like

a mean Natalie Portman.

Cheryl.

Is that Danny? Turn me around, turn me around!

This is like "The Crown" with poor people.

What are you doing here?

I'm still co-owner of this house.

I came to see if there were any damages.

I'm handling it, Cheryl. I've got an inspector out there.

I'll send you the report.

Think I'd rather talk to the inspector myself.

Oh, why? 'Cause I can't be trusted?

Yeah, and now you're all caught up.

Hey, let's all talk to the inspector and get out of...here.

Oh, bring me with you!

Ooh, vaulted ceilings.

Danny, you got a light bulb out!

So...

What are we looking at?What are we looking at?

Some damaged cabinets, floorboards.

Uh, a couple pictures came off the walls.

I see you have a son. Good-looking kid.

I actually have two children, a son and a daughter.

Really? Just saw pictures of the one.

That's just because my daughter never wanted to be in pictures.

I always asked.

I love them equally.

I'm not that invested.

You're going to have to do some retrofitting,

and that's going to have to be done

before she can move back in.

Danny: Oh, come on.

Jean, I'm really sorry about this.

If you like, you could stay in my daughter's bedroom.

Ourdaughter's bedroom.

I'll stay with Jackie.

W-We're having kind of a thing.

Oh, what kind of thing? Mother-daughter thing?

Ex-boyfriend thing? Boss boyfriend thing?

Bad job thing?

You know Jackie.

She's got a lot of things right now.

But this one's a mother-daughter thing.

I'm sorry. Well, you'll figure it out.

I mean, you're such a good mum.

Oh.

Well, good luck with everything.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Surprise girls' night!

And then a couple other nights.

The earthquake damaged Danny's guesthouse,

so I'm going to stay here until it's all fixed.

Do you just not have my phone number?

The earlier one was a misstep.

This is a surprise!

I could have stayed with Freddie,

but I chose you, Jackie.

I chose you.

Really? It had nothing to do with the fact

that you knew Lane was out of town

and I have an empty bedroom with a pillow-top mattress?

Honey, I didn't know Lane was out of town.

I'm here to be with you.

I chose you.

Okay, well I have like a thousand things to do for work,

so...

Why is everything so wrong?

Oh, I just moved a couple things.

I got a book about creating better flow.

It's good. I got it at that nice 7-Eleven.

Mom, what are you doing here?

I heard what you said this morning

about things not being equal.

I'm here to make things equal.

I thought we could watch movies and paint toes --

Okay, Mom, I love you,

but I think our problem is a little more complicated

than a movie night and pedicures.

But that's just the beginning.

I've got a whole night of girl-on-girl action planned.

Again, that does not mean what you think it means.

Great. My hand is so swollen, I can't even play video games,

which means I can't work.

Celia, I think a germ got in.

Okay.

Okay, let me see.

Mm. Ooh.