The Unicorn

The Unicorn S01E12 It Isn't Romantic Original Air Date on Jan 16, 2020

I-I told Anna that I wasn't ready yet.

But what if that was just an excuse?

What if I'm never ready?

I mean, th-that's crazy, right?

I mean, I wasn't ready yet.

I mean, an intimate relationship?

I just... I need to get to know myself better.

That's a goal.

- Yeah. That is a goal, Ben. - No, Wade.

That was a goal. You missed it.

Oh. Goal! Blue team!

- Orange. - Goal!

Orange team!

Poor Wade is really taking this breakup pretty badly, huh?

- Yeah. - He won't stop talking about it.

Yeah, do you think it's insensitive of me

as his best friend to tell him to put a cork in it?

If I have to listen to him say one more time,

"Oh, come on. What was I thinking?

"Ah, she w... she was wonderful.

Come on, Wade".

That impression was spot-on.

"Well, thank you very much".

No... Oh, see? I just went Elvis.

- Yeah. Yeah, that was Elvis. - Almost had it.

Michelle, you all right?

Yeah, just a stitch in my side.

All right, girls, that's game!

Bring it in!

Hey.

You sure you're all right?

Okay, that place that you're clutching,

that could be appendicitis, gallbladder or a spleen thing.

Or it could be nothing at all. I'm okay.

She's throwing up in a bag.

No, I'm not.

- Let me see the bag. - No!

I'm okay.

Okay, we should go to the hospital.

- Yeah. Good idea. Come on. - Yeah.

We're not going to the hospital.

I still have to do the donut holes

and the rest of the Go-Gurts and...

Oh, my God, this is the worst pain I've ever had.

Pass me the Go-Gurts!

- Let's go. - Come on, get out of here.

- We got you... - Oh, we're gonna need more bags!

- Bags! - Got it. I'm on it.

- Come on, kids. Let's go. - Bags, bags, bag...

Uh... Uh-oh.

There's bags in the bag she threw up in.

She threw up on the bags.

- Easy. - I'm being easy.

Kids, your mama's home.

Mm.

- You okay? - Mm-hmm.

Ooh, no, no. Don't squish Mommy.

- Thank you. - Gentle. Oh, sure.

- Oh. - Just... Careful.

Oh, babe... Oh. Let me give that to Daddy.

Did they really take out your gallbladder?

- Yes. - Can I have it?

No. But I brought you a green Jell-O.

Score!

Noah, share with everyone, please.

Let me take that from you.

- Oh, sure. Yeah. - Thank you, Delia.

I knew something was wrong,

and I was too scared to find out what it was.

She was a pit bull in that hospital.

You should've heard her yelling

at all the doctors and nurses.

Well, no, the nurse clearly

did not know how to insert a catheter.

So, luckily,

- I'm a doctor. - Okay.

You're a pediatrician.

Whatever.

Pee-holes are pee-holes.

I mean, we were just having dinners out

every single night. I was just... I felt so good.

It was like we were at the top of a roller-coaster and my hands

were up in the air and I was screaming,

"Ha!"

She really likes chicken cacciatore.

I mean, how many people like that still?

I mean, I love chili out of a can.

And so does she.

I really wanted to put myself out there,

but then I think, you know,

maybe I shouldn't have put myself out there.

But if I don't put myself out there,

how will I know if I'm ready?

I'm tied up in knots. Ugh!

Wade, I feel like it, you know, was yesterday,

we couldn't get you to open up in these meetings.

I miss those days.

I know. I just really have to sort this out.

How will I know if I'm ready for a serious relationship?

I can help you with that.

You're not.

I made the same mistake when Phil died.

You were in a committed and caring relationship

- for what, 20 years? - Yeah.

And you think going out on a couple of dates

is gonna fill that hole that you feel?

You're always gonna wind up disappointed.

Wade, you have to get out there and just bang one out.

Or two.

Or three.

I like eager strangers.

You can find them anywhere.

The gym's a good spot.

Wade, listen. Trust me.

It is gonna feel so good to you when you just find some woman

- that you just want to... - Uh...

Uh, Natalie? Can I help you?

Nope. Just lost my retainer somewhere in here.

You know. Just keep talking. Not even listening.

Your retainer is in your mouth. I can see it.

Oh. That's where it is.

Go.

Faster.

- Oh, my God. - We're just saying,

get out there and have some fun.

That's what we did.

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

- Yeah. - In time, you'll be ready for something deeper.

Or not. It's been four years for me,

and I am still really enjoying the bang out a quick one phase.

I mean, not too quick. You know...

I'm a lady.

I hear you. And it makes perfect sense.

I'm just not really the "bang one out" kind of guy.

Luckily for me, I've got a lot of work to do.

That's where I get my best thinking done.

Yeah. Because that's what women are really looking for, Wade.

A thinker.

You've got to make her stay in bed.

If she has to go to the bathroom, you should take her.

I can make it to the bathroom myself, thanks.

What about foods? Soft stuff?

Actually, high fiber, low fat.

Density is not gonna be your friend.

I'd get a stool softener.

Okay, my stool is good.

And again, thank you so much.

And tell Forrest hi when you get home now.

Do not let her do any heavy lifting.

In fact, you know what, Ben? No lifting at all.

Am I a ghost? Do people not hear me?

- Of course we hear you, honey. - Yeah.

- You just got to take it easy. - Take it easy?

I've got four kids. I've got laundry to do, beds to make,

hair to braid, meals to cook.

And yelling alone is a full-time job.

And Monday is picture day

and Sahai has outgrown all her nice clothes.

Okay. Michelle, Michelle, you have got to relax.

Ben and I are gonna take care of everything.

I'm gonna look after the house,

- I'm gonna feed the kids. - You will fail.

You're on drugs, so I'm just gonna shrug that off.

Ben, you're gonna take care of clothes and hair.

Got it. I'll take Sahai to Dillard's in the morning.

Dillard's? Are we rich?

What? Are you gonna have your butler drive you to Dillard's?

Honey, where would you like me to go?

The same place we've been going for years.

Right.

The Young Tomorrow

- outlet store. - Outlet store! I knew that.

Uh, Ben, check the website for discount codes.

And there's free parking in the lot behind the North Face store!

And Dick's Sporting Goods has one dollar hot dogs!

Hurts to yell, doesn't it?

No.

- Can I have another pill? - No.

I'm glad everything is okay with Michelle. That was really scary.

Yeah, sure was. Hey, what about you?

- You okay? - I will be.

My crew is off today,

so I get the whole day to myself to just dig holes

and figure stuff out.

Yeah, we're different, you and I.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for bringing over breakfast.

- Of course. - I got a big day ahead of me.

I got to take Sahai shopping, which means I got to take

all the kids with me. Ooh!

Ben, you know, since you're going already,

would you mind taking Addie with you?

I was thinking about maybe trying to squeeze in a nap,

go down to The Y, have a shvitz.

Forrest, I'm already taking four kids. You want to make it five

so that you can go have a... have a what?

A shvitz, dude. A steam bath.

You know I had that sinus thing last year.

Oh, man, I actually need clothes for picture day, too.