Four Weddings and a Funeral

Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral...

"You will always be the one that got away. Love, Maya."

- Are you sure it's for you? - She didn't write "Dear Duffy."

If you're available, I'd like to hire you.

The only décor I have is a dead plant and a stack of pizza boxes.

Do you still run the theater?

I'm directing The Sound of Music this year.

Would you want to play Captain Von Trapp?

I'm in.

Craig, I vow to love you more each day.

Every second with you is a gift.

Real talk, you're one of the sickest people I know.

I think I have feelings for Bash.

Do you wanna come back to my place?

For sex, Garrett.

Of course I have feelings for you.

I have since the first time we met.

- You're in love with Kash. - I found your letter.

- It is not what you think. - Duffy!

Duffy!

[So Long, Farewell playing on piano]

Yes?

- No. - Oh, fuck!

Oh, sorry. Sorry, kids. I'm okay.

- Oh, my God. I nearly stepped there. - That could've been me!

Stop being so dramatic, Parul.

Everyone, I think we're done for tonight.

Right.

I'm so sorry, Kashif.

This place is just falling down around us.

I can get someone to fix the stage.

No, no, you've done enough.

You've already paid for the costumes.

No.

This'll just have to be our final production.

- No. - The theater can't close.

I'll start doing drugs. I'll join a gang.

Okay, that's pretty dramatic,

but she's right. They can't close this place.

They'll just turn it into more flats that no one around here can afford.

I know, but you can't have a theater if you can't afford a stage.

I might have an idea.

Is it a bake sale?

We'll barely recoup the costs of ingredients.

It's not a bake sale, Parul.

It was a bake sale.

I'll come up with something else.

Thanks for meeting me.

I don't have long, so can you just say what you came to say?

Okay, um,

that letter you found... You were right.

It was for Kash, but I was never going to send it.

Mm.

Please. Promise me you won't say anything.

Cool.

Yeah, so, it's not bad enough that you broke my heart.

I now have to keep secrets for you?

- But there's nothing to tell. - Nothing happened.

And I am never going to see him again.

Okay, fine.

Thank you, Duffy.

Oh, uh, I saw your story in The New Yorker came out.

It's... it's really good.

- Yeah, oh, yeah. - It's really good.

You know what, Maya?

I don't think that you and I have anything to talk about anymore.

Cheers.

I read the speech you wrote on increasing capital gains taxes.

- And? - Hmm, some excellent points,

all of which are political suicide.

Try again.

Do you want me to have a whack at it?

I just think I might have a better sense of his voice than you do.

Oh, is that why he doesn't let you tweet for him anymore?

No, that's because I accidentally spelt "Parliament" wrong.

Par-lia-ment.

Par-lia-ment.

Well, my dream has always been

to work for a progressive, diverse female candidate,

but given my current situation, I'm open to anything.

But you are looking to stay in the political field?

Political, non-profit...

Just a job where I don't have to push an agenda

that's directly opposed to everything I believe in.

Well, we are the premier recruiting agency for the public sector,

so I'm sure we can find you something.

I'll have to call you back. We get it.

60% of the calls we get

are from people hiding in office bathrooms.

It's good, right?

Would you give money to something like that?

I would give everything, yeah, to make this right between you and me.

What are you talking about?

I'm not gonna lie, yeah?

What I'm about to tell you could threaten the very foundation of our friendship.

Bruv, I know about you and Fatima.

It's all over your Snapchat. I'm cool with it.

Bruv, you don't have to hide your true feelings with me, okay?

How can I make this better? You know what?

Hit me with your car.

If you really want to make things up to me...

Well, I ain't gonna sleep until I do, so go on.

We need someone to take a look at the tech system at the theater.

The lighting desk is a mess.

Are you sure you don't just wanna hit me with your car?

I heard it's a much more cathartic process.

I'm just thinking of you, really, like...

- Bruv. - Hm?

Okay, fine, fine. I'll do it for you.

Fatima?

- No, that is my mum. - Um, I better answer that.

Hey, boo. I've been thinking about you, you know?

And Dad'll be thinking about that as well.

What am I doing?

Ladies and gentlemen, the kids of the Hounslow Community Theatre.

Take it away, guys.

Oh, hi. Garrett, you're here.

Again...

Maya, I was hoping to see you.

Did you know that you

and the poet Maya Angelou...

You share the same first name?

- Yes. - Yes, I did.

Garrett's really good at figuring out which celebrities have the same name as you.

Yeah, right. Try me, right? Anyone.

Uh, Ainsley.

- I don't know. - I don't know.

- It's tough. - Hey, do you wanna go out tonight?

- Ugh, yes. - Work has been killing me.

I was praised on an Alt-right website last week.

Well, Tony 2's taking us dancing at a gay club.

You wanna come, Garrett?

- Right, yeah. - I can't go to gay bars.

It's impolite to give a boner that you can't reciprocate.

Oh.

- Right. - Let's go shower.

- What? - We're in Europe.

Can you sign my test please?

100% in your Latin test?

That's very good.

"Brad Pitt played Achilles in which film?"

Troy.

"What is your name in pig Latin?"

Iles-gi.

Well, what idiot teacher would put together a test like this?

- Oh, Duffy! - My man!

How's it going, brother?

- Hey, guys. - How was your honeymoon?

Oh, man...

I don't know what you heard about Antarctica,

but it is cold!

A penguin bit my ass.

Duffy, this place is a mess.

If I wanted a drunk slob to house sit,

I would've asked any one of my cousins

or my uncles or my parents.

Yeah, well, it's not my fault.

You should fire your house cleaner

because she said that I was bumming her out,

and then she left.

Uh, is everything okay, Duff?

I mean, this isn't, uh, Maya-related, is it?

No, Craig.

I was emotionally destroyed by a different woman

in the two weeks that you were gone.

Oh, no.

You really have the worst luck.

What? No. It's Maya.

I'm still mad at Maya.

I get it, but I don't think she meant to hurt you, brother.

You don't know that.

Oh, there's a lot about her that you don't know.

- A lot. - Like what?

- Nothing. - I, uh... I'm late for school.

I'm sorry that I drank all your alcohol

and I broke your computer with a virus from a porn.

What?

The Hounslow Community Theatre led to my love of the arts

and made me believe in my potential.

These kids deserve the same opportunity.

Please. Give as much as you can.

Enough. Julie Andrews will be rolling in her grave.

Julie Andrews is still alive.

- No, you're thinking of Julie Christie. - I'm right.

Okay, boys, now Helen of Troy is described

as "the face that launched a thousand ships."

What if you had a secret love letter

written by Helen to Paris that you could give to Ainsley?

Who's Ainsley?

Uh, Menelaus.

And you know I meant Menelaus. Do not be obtuse, Bernard.

But, Mr. Duffy,

in this thinly-veiled analogy to your own romantic failings,

wouldn't showing Menelaus the letter just start the Trojan War sooner?

Yeah, maybe,

or maybe Helen deserves that.

Ah, forget it. Just... it's... class is dismissed.

So please get out of here.

Go wherever you go.

- Mummy? - What are you doing here?