black-ish

You know what truly makes America great?

Community.

Americans understand that it takes teamwork...

to make the dream work.

This country is a giant melting pot of people...

who are committed to building

a better life for everyone.

And even though we may have different mind-sets...

we all agree that if our community survives...

this country survives,

only if everyone does their part.

And that's what truly makes America great.

Mm, mm, mm.

The horror.

The horror.

Mm.

I can't believe you abandoned a 3-year-old.

I think she was 4.

You monster.

If you watch closely,

you can actually see her tiny spirit being crushed.

Faith in humanity. No faith in humanity.

Faith in humanity. No faith in humanity.

That is how serial killers are born.

Okay, look, I know it looks bad,

but that is a little white girl.

And as a black man...

No!

No.

You do not get to play the race card today.

Not with that.

Sorry I'm late.

There was a little snowflake on the elevator,

so I had to take the stairs.

- Me too. - Careful, Dre.

Someone's out there setting traps.

I don't understand.

Why are you two so afraid of a baby?

We don't have the luxury of being helpful

because we're instantly seen as threats.

Well, that's just common sense.

I see any adult male as a threat.

The point is, we can't get away

with half the stuff that you guys do.

One of these days, Alice, pow!

Right in the kisser.

How is it all right for Ralph Kramden to say that?

- Pow! Right in the kisser? - It's so fun.

America's favorite TV character's catchphrase

is to punch his wife in the mouth

if she says another word.

Yeah, but he was a lovable Teddy bear.

What?

If I was a TV character, my catchphrase would be,

"Oowee."

In the show, my wife name would be Wee.

And every week, she'll go one step too far,

and I'll punch her in the mouth.

Stop.

- Ch-Ch-Charlie. - Relax. It'd be a cable show.

Look, I'm sorry I'm late, boss.

There's a little white girl in the elevator.

Almost had me.

I saw my freedom flash right before my eyes.

So, some of my co-workers didn't get it,

but I knew my family would.

Mm-hmm.

I married a monster.

To be fair, as a black man, we can never be too careful.

Mm-hmm.

I remember my first little white girl in an elevator.

Well...

You did the right thing, son.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm proud of you.

- You're proud of him? - Damn proud.

Okay, this is insane.

What do you think would have happened

if you'd helped the little white girl?

I'm gonna help you find your mom, okay?

All right, do you know what floor she's on?

- So, Andre... - Huh?

What were your plans here today?

No, okay, I get it.

You had to be guarded to survive the N.W.A. '80s,

but it is Drake Summer '16.

You don't have to be guarded anymore.

Whatever.

All right, I'm not gonna let you take this away from me.

- Pops is proud of me. - Damn proud.

Guess what, guys.

Pbbt. I'm off tonight!

Yes!

Cool.

And if I don't have to work,

that means you get to spend some time with Bomby.

You get it?

I'm a bomb mommy. Bommy.

Jack's been calling me that.

I never ca... I never called you that.

Yes, you did. Okay, listen, guys.

I just want you to understand

that these are some of the last moments

that, you know, you're gonna get to spend with me

because when the new baby comes,

I'm gonna disappear until you're, like, grown up.

Well, come on, new baby.

Okay, well, listen.

You guys either get to spend time with me,

or you go to your rooms.

Okay. Cool.

- Bye, Bommy. - She...

I see you found their kryptonite.

You.

- No. - Yes.

- Nuh-unh. - Mm-hmm.

No, I'm... We're... We were playing hide-and-go-seek.

- Oh. - Yeah. 97...

- 9... - Um... you need to stop.

You want me to stop hide-and-go-seek?

'Cause they're expecting me to come find them.

They don't want you around because you reek of neediness.

- What? - Now, I could help you win them back

with just a few simple techniques

that I use on the ladies.

No. No, Earl. Okay?

I am not going to use your pimp game on my children.

No, I'm fine.

100!

Ready or not, here I come!

Coming to find you!

Sad.

So sad.

Hey, Uncle Johan, how come I can't find

any of your spoken-word poetry?

Mm, They Call Me Johan.

Yeah, I searched for Johan.

No, my poet name is They Call Me Johan.

So, technically, I guess they call me They Call Me Johan.

Hey, hey, come on.

We were listening that.

Hey, we are in Sherman Oaks, where it's illegal to jaywalk

and illegal to scare the Caucasians.

You're not scaring anybody. Relax.

I know you millennials

like to live in your pretend post-racial utopia,

but this is the real world.

If they're so scared, why do they know

all the words to Rich Homie Quan?

Yeah, dude, Rich Homie Quan don't even know

all the words to Rich Homie Quan.

Now they're dabbing. You're not gonna dab back?

No, I am not dabbing back.

Come on, Dad.

They're trying to show appreciation

for you culture by dabbing.

And you won't dab back?

Seems rude... Basic dab protocol.

I am not dabbing.

Fine. We'll do it for you.

Now you're the only one not dabbing.

Stop it. Stop it!

Hey, hey. Come to my spoken-word showcase!

They call me They Call Me Johan!

I'm not saying the world stopped being racist.

You just haven't noticed some things are different.

You got to listen so you can hear.

I'm trying to teach you, Dre.

I couldn't possibly hate you any more than I do right now.

Look, I'm serious. Come get blessed at my showcase.

I spit gems on this topic.

I stand corrected. I can hate you more.

So, Dad, are you saying Uncle Johan is wrong?

Yes, Junior.

Things are just as racist now as they were

the first time they canceled Arsenio.

The second time was his fault.

Yes, order for delivery.

6610 Heniger Street.

Yeah, there's a gate, but it's never locked.

You need my credit card.

Uh... it's a Visa.

3310...

For those of you who have never been black in America,

trust me... This is very confusing.

No, no, I live alone. Just me.

And don't worry about the security cameras.

They're fake.

Very, very confusing.

So, if white people are scared of you, you'd be upset.

And now that they're not, you're still upset.

Well, if you say it out loud, anything sounds crazy.

Dre, what's going on?

I'm losing my identity, Bow.

Look, when the whole world hates you, you develop armor.

You wear sagging jeans, rock chains,

and expensive kicks like, "You don't like me?

Cool. I don't care what you think."

But if I don't have that edge, then who am I?

You're someone who likes necklaces

and hoards lots of shoes.