¡Rob!

Hey, don't forget, we got a lunch date today downtown, huh?

No, we changed it to dinner 'cause I have a conference call.

Oh, right.

But then we switched it back to drinks

'cause I got a 7:00 meeting.

And then we cancelled it because I have a seminar.

Hey, but we can reschedule.

I am free...

9:00 a.m. Thursday for 25 minutes.

Oh, perfect.

Look at us.

Is this what happens when the honeymoon period's over?

We've only been married two months. The honeymoon is not over.

God, we don't even go to the bathroom in front of each other yet.

Well, that's it.

No, we're cancelling everything this weekend.

Okay? We're turning off our phones.

We're drawing the shades, and we're gonna

spend 48 hours together, just us, okay?

Hmm, okay. That sounds amazing.

Don't you dare get that.

It's yours.

I gotta take this. I'm sorry, I gotta...

Oh, a mini-vacation at home, huh?

I remember the last time we did that.

I had to buy the champagne with a fake I.D.

Oh, sounds romantic, huh?

Que romantico.

Okay. That'll be enough of that.

Thank you very much.

You hear "romantico." I hear "el cheapo."

Well, what's your idea of a romantic weekend?

Couple of handies and an ice cream sandwich?

Are you offering?

Look, for your information, Papi, Rob's gone

all out for this weekend. That's right.

And I got it planned down to the minute. Look at this.

I have a catered romantic dinner, a couples' massage.

- Oh. - And lots of other surprises.

What is that between 3:05 and 3:10?

- That is a scheduled bathroom break. - Oh.

You could see I was very generous with them.

And if you don't use all your minutes,

they roll over to the next one.

We never needed a bathroom break, hmm.

Ahh.

Yeah, well, at least I got your moron brother a job.

Oh, yes, you did, mi amor. Yes, I did.

- You got Hector a job? - Yeah.

And it wasn't easy.

I got the guy that stocks the vending machines

at the carwash to hire him. I had to buy ten cases

of expired cheese crackers but, you know...

At least we know what we're getting

your sister for Christmas this year.

Congratulations, Uncle Hector.

You're a working man. Yeah.

- Well, it's a good job. Yeah.

On the plus side, the hours are pretty reasonable.

On the downside, I got fired.

- So... - You-you got fired?

The caught me kicking a vending machine.

Why were you kicking a vending machine?

I was trying to get out.

How did... how did...

B-b-b-before you get upset, let me tell you the good news.

I did get my first two-week paycheck.

Well, good. Well, then you could start paying rent.

Better...

I spent it on a moped.

A moped? Uhuh. Moped.

There's nothing wrong with a moped, okay?

I had one in college.

I rest my case.

See, that's your problem, Fernando.

You know, you're always busting everybody's balls.

Maybe if you weren't so critical of Hector,

he wouldn't have gotten fired for...

Now, what happened? You got eaten by a vending machine?

The screw went around, and my pretzels didn't fall off,

and then one thing led to another and...

You see?

Is that so hard to understand?

The man wanted his pretzels.

Do you want to see my moped?

No, we don't want to see your moped.

You know what?

- Yes, I would love to see your moped. - Okay.

You notice that?

That was nice.

You know, people like that, encouragement.

You might want to try that one time, maybe even...

Are you okay, mi amor?

Oh, you poor baby.

I can't believe it. I get him a job,

and he goes all Evel Knievel in my living room.

Truthfully, Hector, you know, you could have killed Abuelita.

You know, these are her last few months.

We don't want it to end violently.

You are a human pile of garbage,

and I want you and this bike out of my house.

Oh, your house? Excuse me.

But this is my house, too, and that is my brother.

Well, I wouldn't go around

bragging about it and everything.

Hey, hey, hey.

Please stop fighting.

I know when I'm not wanted.

My moped is broken, and so are my feelings.

And so is that lamp.

Hey...

what are you doing?

This is our big weekend.

I thought we were turning off the phones.

Well, you saw my parents fight last night.

What if my mom calls?

That's exactly why we're turning off our phones.

Come on.

This is our weekend, all right?

Then we can go right back to the fun of spending every second

dealing with your insane family.

Okay, you're right.

- You're right, this is our weekend... - Yes.

We need this. Mm-hmm.

Let's get back under the covers.

Breakfast in bed is being served any second now.

- (Knocking on door) Ooh! - Mm.

You know, he's five minutes late.

We're really going to have to wolf it down,

otherwise there's no bathroom break until 3:00.

Fernando, what-what are you doing here?

Rosa kicked me out.

Papi!

I spent the night in the garage.

Then she found me hiding under the car,

and she kicked me out of there, too.

You guys don't have any kind of a garden shed, or...

Rob.

My dad's staying right here until we straighten this out.

That's right. No, you should stay here in L.A.

In a motel, or someplace close by.

You know, um... dot have to be L.A.

Altadena has some nice places.

There's a bed and breakfast place in San Bernardino.

It's nice.

Family doesn't stay in hotels.

Yeah, you're supposed to respect family.

Now get my bag.

I don't know what's wrong with your mother. Huh?

Hector screws up, and she gets mad at me.

It's time for that guy to go out and stand on his own two feet,

like I did when I came to this country with nothing.

Papi, you were one.

Yeah, but I had nothing.

You know where else is nice?

San Diego.

Oh, you just take the 60 to the 5 South, and boom.

Next thing you know, Sea World. Right there.

Mom's just worried about her little brother,

out on the street.

Little brother? He's 43.

Hey, Eduardo took him in for a couple days.

In Hector time, that's good for at least a year.

You know where I'm thinking right now?

New Zealand.

I'm too upset to even think right now.

Breakfast in bed, from Cafe Brez.

Breakfast in bed?

Wait till I get tucked in!

The bag, the bag!

I spent $300 on a romantic gift basket out there,

and your dad's already eaten everything in it

except the bath beads.

Rob, maybe we should do this another weekend.

This isn't about the weekend anymore.

This is about protecting our lives.

Come on, it's bad enough they come over

every time that they're happy.

Okay. Don't worry.

I'm going to go over to my mom's house, and talk her down.

- This ought to be over by lunchtime. - Okay, hurry!

- Okay. - Don't stop for the lights.

I'll pay for your tickets. Go, go, go, go, go.

I'll drive on the sidewalk.

You enjoying those?

You know which ones are really good ones?

The ones with the mints inside.

Does sarcasm just not work with your family, or what?

Those are supposed to be for me and Maggie!

Just, uh, wipe off the caramel fingerprints,

and it's like you bought them in the store.

So, uh... I guess this note I found on your mirror

about you loving my tushie wasn't meant for me?

Give me that! Come on!

Can't you go somewhere else and be disgusting?

You've been here for like, two hours, there's ants everywhere.

Just go home already.

It's not gonna happen.

You know why? Because Rosa said I can't come back in the house

until I apologize to Hector.