M*A*S*H

Here he is at Plymouth, England,

with this to say about our G. I. s in Korea.

Now, I have not the knowledge to enable me to predict

how this Korean fighting will end.

But‐‐ But let me here express our admiration

for the daring and skill

with which the handful of American soldiers,

three or four battalions at most,

who‐‐ who have as yet been brought into action in Korea,

have fought their delaying action

against overwhelming odds.

I really wasn't expecting more wounded!

Uh, General MacArthur said the fighting

would be over by Christmas.

Yeah, but he didn't say what year.

Actually, he was referring to the fighting

between himself and Mrs. MacArthur.

She's got an entirely different idea

on how the war should be run.

This is not a war, it's a police action.

If it's a police action, why didn't they send cops?

A night rendezvous inside Wonsan Harbor

with a stubborn Communist fort.

A spectacular display of rocket firepower.

Look, Colonel, a hospital's got to know what to expect.

If there's a push on, give me some warning.

We're both in the same war, you know?

I'm not over here because I'm such a fan of diarrhea.

Now if you hear any‐‐ Hello? Colonel?

Colonel?

Creeps.

‐Who, sir? ‐Colonels.

You can't trust any of 'em.

They're just this far from making general.

They can taste those stars.

They'll do anything to get 'em.

Never mind if they don't deserve 'em,

if they don't know their brass from their elbows.

Captains and majors are okay. They're too far away.

They don't have to make points.

And generals usually relax once they've made it.

Although, I had one in the cavalry,

ordered all horses corked before parades.

Is that a beak?

Uh, chicken, sir. It's sort of a beak stew.

‐That's surplus. ‐Yes, sir.

Take it away. I sent this dinner back in World War II.

MAN (on P. A.): Ambulance to the upper helipad.

Ambulance to the pad.

Incoming wounded. South Korean infantry.

South Koreans are getting younger.

Complain to Syngman Rhee.

Can the balloon juice, Pierce!

Close.

Bad belly wound. Got an arterial pumper.

‐Need some help? ‐You bet.

Get me some gloves.

Lap sponge.

Clamp.

I'll try to expose the bleeder.

You know, I've been around overseas at different times,

visiting our boys.

They're a swell lot doing a wonderful job

to protect us here at home.

Many of them get wounded

or suffer from loss of blood, shock.

And blood or blood plasma given in the field

means life itself.

Yes, just that.

Please, don't let those Army, Navy,

Airmen and Marines down.

Have a heart. Give some blood.

Ah. Ah!

Father, irrigate his eye.

B.J., you okay?

‐POTTER: I've got it, B. J. ‐B. J.: Okay.

Talk about your bloodshot eyes.

Retract that.

Excellent. A page one retraction.

Ahh. Ahh, it's better. Thanks.

You're pretty good with your hands, kid.

Can you get me a tracheotomy at the Garden?

Uh, let's try a couple of hernias out of town first.

Get all their personal possessions, Corporal.

Make sure they get a receipt

and file copies of your copy in triplicate.

Major, I done this a hundred times.

I write to my mother in triplicate.

I got triplicate on the brain.

Somebody wants change for a ten,

I give 'em three fives.

‐Get moving. ‐Yes, ma'am, times three.

Hey, Major, I already gave my things.

‐What? ‐My personal effects, right?

‐Yes. ‐I already gave 'em to some guy outside.

Tsk! You've been robbed, soldier.

A wounded soldier robbed, in the middle of a war.

I don't know what's happening to this army.

Me either. That does it for me.

One more week, and I'm through!

At Laramie, the chief executive speaks

to the students at the University of Wyoming.

It's a fatherly talk.

I hope you will all make the most

of your opportunities here,

to fit yourselves to be good citizens of the United States,

the greatest republic the world has ever seen.

Hey, Father, you got a second?

Are you all right?

That's my problem.

I'm all right. Least the doctor said I was.

I don't think I understand.

When I got hit on the line,

I thought for sure I was gonna die.

I had no idea they was gonna pick me up

and fix me so fast.

Well, we have the fastest docs in the West.

Yeah, well, the thing of it is,

when I was out there, layin' there, not knowin',

I made a promise to God.

I said, "Dear God, you get me out of this,

"and I'll become a priest."

And he got you out of it.

And I don't wanna be a priest.

You think he'll understand?

If everyone who ever promised to take the vow

in a moment of stress made good,

there'd be so many of us around,

it'd look like the priesthood

had had a population explosion.

Let me put that another way.

He'll understand.

Ah, thanks for letting me chew your ear, Father.

That's what they're there for.

Got a chest or a belly wound?

Legs.

You can have a beer. Compliments of the doctors.

Well, I'd rather have some scotch.

You're too young to drink.

You're lucky you didn't have to show your I. D.

to get shot.

Clean out the sink.

In the middle of a war, I couldn't care less who wins.

I mean, for my money, I give you Red China and six points,

or the other way around.

And now they got me scrubbin' sinks.

It's crazy, right? No, being in is sane.

You know my problem? I played hard to get.

You do that, and the Army's got to have you.

Kid from my neighborhood, really nuts,

Archie Jagloff.

He fell into a sewer when he was little.

He was always a little jerky after that.

Grew up to be a Nazi. No kiddin'.

Tried to volunteer, join up.

Couldn't wait to come over here.

drop anything from an A bomb to a Z bomb.

The Army turned him down.

Said he had flat feet.

You know how he got flat feet?

Goose steppin' in his basement.

Me they had to have.

Said I was nuts.

They said, "What's your religion?"

I said, "Aztec."

They said, "Stop jokin'"

I said, "Bring me a virgin, I'll cut her heart out."

They looked into my ears, I said, "Ahh."

They said, "Stick out your tongue," I pulled down my pants.

They called in a psychiatrist, I kissed him on the mouth.

You know what the guy in charge said?

"Keep this up and we'll make you an officer."

‐B.J.: Right through here. Watch the door. ‐HAWKEYE: Don, is it clean?

You really gonna operate in the sink?

We have to work underwater. He's got phosphorus burns.

It's in the tissues.

If it hits the air, it can ignite.

Next thing you know, you got G.I. flambé.

The guy could catch on fire? Wow.

‐We're gonna need some more sulfa powder. ‐We're low on sulfa.

We've got enough saltpeter for World War IX.

That stuff really work?

Search me, fella.

What's happening?

Cleaning the wound.

Debriding the necrotic or loose tissue.

I don't know how you guys do it.

Helps a little if you think you're God.

Over there.

All right. I think that's all.

Copper sulfate.

This stuff coats and neutralizes

the, uh, little bits of phosphorous

that might still be in the leg.

It also helps to see where they are.

How do you keep all that stuff in your head?

You wear earplugs so it doesn't leak out.

Turn off the lights.

Observe, Klinger.

The solution fluoresces,