The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I had one brother.

You had a brother? I didn't know that.

Well, you try living in a pod for three years

with nothing but a bunch of worms?

Captain Mike Miller, signing off.

I can't believe I didn't see you.

We got to come up with a name for you?

Here goes nothing.

It's not looking good.

Farts!

Farts... farts.

Farts, farts, farts, farts.

Farts!

Farts.

Yeah, I know it's not a lifeboat, okay?!

It's the best I could do!

Yeah!

We made it, Phil.

We made it.

We're okay.

We're going to be okay.

Okay, okay.

Next stopland.

We're gonna die here.

We're gonna die.

Phil, is that you?

You're so stupid, you don't even know

your own brother, you friggin' turd.

Wh-what are you doing here?

I missed you, Mike.

You're such a good little sister.

What is that red stuff in there?

"What is that red stuff in there?"

It's Kool-Aid, you dip.

So I can drink it while I'm floating.

You're so dumb.

You're so dumb.

Shut your butt.

I can't. It's got a permanent hole.

You know what else has a permanent hole in it?

Your head.

Get it together.

You can't give up.

You just came from outer space,

you friggin' fartface.

Now, wake up.

Hey!

Hey, over here!

Over here!

Hello!

Hey!

Hello!

Hello.

We're going to be okay.

We got a boat, we got... we got... we got...

We got maps.

Hell, we got food.

You know what, all we need now

is some clean underwear and we'll be in great shape.

Bingo.

Phil.

May I present to you the new and improved

Mike Miller.

What do you think?

You like my duds, bud?

What?

You want to see a fashion show?

Yeah, sure.

I think we could get used to this, right?

I wouldn't get too comfortable just yet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on!

Whoa, please,

don't, don't, don't, don't shoot me, okay?

Or, spear me, please.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm, an astronaut.

And I-I-I just came from space.

Were you exposed to the virus?

Were you exposed to the virus?

No, no. I... like I said, I-I've been in the

international space station for the last three years.

I just splashed down to Earth about three days ago.

I promise.

Haven't been to land?

No, no, no, no. I-I-I found this,

water bike and I've just been triking around

the last few days, until I found your boat.

And, and I'm using, your shirt, I assume.

And your underwear.

And I-I-I had some, some,

some crackers and some of your water.

I apologize, but,

I, I come in peace. I promise.

Okay.

I didn't mean to scare you.

You slip up just once, and...

You know?

Yeah.

I can, I can imagine, yeah.

Pat Brown, last man on Earth.

Not any more.

So good.

Skunky as hell, but just... I love it, I don't care.

Beer,

she is a sweet, sweet mistress.

Yeah, she is, yeah.

So, Pat, you, you always been a seaman?

By that I mean, a sailor.

Not, you know, sperm.

No, I got, I got ya, I got...

No, I haven't, but you know, since the virus hit,

I said, Pat,

what better excuse to buy a boat?

So then you just came out here?

Hightailed it.

Yeah, kept my distance.

Listened to the news until there was no more news to listen to.

So you've been out here the whole time?

I go in and get what I need.

Grab essentials,

and burn rubber back here to this little lady...

Deez Knots.

Deez Knots, I get it.

Played my cards right.

That virus hasn't taken me down, yet.

Maybe you're immune.

Nobody's immune, Mike.

You know, sometimes I'll... I'll anchor offshore at night.

Big cities. Miami. New York.

New Orleans.

Not one light.

Pitch black.

Pitch black.

So a black hole is

actually not black?

Well, you know, the accepted term now

is African-American hole.

No, they're... they're... they're not, technically, black.

No, they're, you know,

it's actually the absence of color.

Well, then, why don't they call it "an absence of color" hole?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay, well, soup's on.

So what do we got?

What is this,

it looks like yams or something?

Potatoes.

Well, there's a little, a little rust from the can, but...

They taste good, though.

Okay.

Well, that's the best rust I've ever tasted.

So where are you from, Spaceman?

Um, me, I'm, from Arizona.

Leave a family behind?

Well, I never had one of my own, no.

But my, you know, my parents and my brother are in Tucson.

Were.

Yeah. Yeah, right, were.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, what about you?

I had a family.

Are you, are you a Scotch guy?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Well...

Whoa.

Are you kidding me?

Th... that's a bottle of Macallan's 1939?

Yep.

This is a $10,000 bottle of Scotch.

Yeah, I got a bunch of 'em.

What is up with this crazy little guy?

He's making a break for it.

- You talking about Phil? - Yeah.

My boy, Phil?

He's grabbed a hold of me.

He likes me.

So, Pat, you, you heading in

to get supplies any time soon?

No, not really.

Just, I'm pretty stocked up now.

Any way I could get you to take me in there, maybe?

Why would you want to go do something like that?

Like I said, you know, I have a family, and...

You had a family.

You and I are alive.

That means other people might have made it.

It might be genetic, you know, there's a lot of very...

What part of pitch black do you not understand?

I'd like to see it for myself.

Maybe I should show you your quarters.

Hey.

Keep it down.

Yeah.

There's a very good chance he's going to kill and eat me.

There he is.

Hi, Pat.

Is my breath okay?

Am I being honest?

God, I'm sorry, Mike.

No need to get self-conscious, buddy.