Louis C.K. at The Dolby

-Hey, what about these germaphobes?

They can't shake your hand.

They got to give you the fist bump.

You know what I do? I grabbed their fist,

I hold it my armpit for a count of six.

Come on.

Dolby, come on.

The whole show's gonna be like this.

The whole show.

Other comics use gimmicks like ability, timing,

good material, talent, whatever.

None of that stuff in my show.

The whole thing -- pure panic.

Come on. My whole act is a side effect of Moderna.

Let's party.

If I took medication, I would take Prozac,

Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time.

Just walk around super-antidepressed.

"How do you feel, Greg? "Hip, hip, hooray!"

High-five myself. No friends. There it is.

Coming back. Don't leave me hanging.

I got me.

Party horn.

[ Snaps fingers, imitates horn blaring ]

Get it, man?

That's the paper thing on the horn.

I write these jokes myself.

Not too good.

I'm my own writer, my own agent, my own manager,

my own financial advisor.

I'm driving the Greg Hahn empire into the ground!

Uh, have we started yet? All right, here we go.

Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd.

Headbutt. Oh! A lot of stability out there.

A lot of stable people. You know, couples, married people.

Compare that to me.

I travel around like a circus freak!

Never married, no kids. I date girls half my age.

You end up faced with yourself in the mirror like,

"What are you?

Some kind of a genius?!

Whoo!

How am I pulling this off? I'm 87."

I don't have money to raise a kid.

I'm gonna need that cash for hair dye and a new Corvette.

Come on.

I'm shifting the Vette. Don't call 911.

I'm shifting the Vette.

Corvette convertible. Toupee flies off.

Boom. Spare toupee. Bang.

All right.

I'm gonna find a wife tonight!

God, I wish I was out there to see this right now.

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

I'm gonna sign a sitcom deal after this show.

I'm gonna be rich. All right.

I got to get out of here, everybody. Thanks so much.

Come on. Let's get this party rocking.

What a crowd. What a night.

Dolby Theatre. Hollywood.

Are you ready?

Without any further ado,

please welcome Louis C.K.

Come on.

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

Thank you.

All right, hello, there.

Hey!

Hey.

Okay.

All right. I'm gonna talk to you for about an hour.

And it's weird here. It's weird, what I do.

Somebody asked me once if it takes confidence

to -- Nobody asked me, but I just wanted

to talk about this.

If it takes...

It does take confidence to do this.

It takes a -- not a general confidence, but a specific kind.

You know? There's lots of kinds of confidence.

There's personal confidence.

I don't have much of that. That's...

Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants.

That takes, you know...

tremendous confidence

and optimism, really...

...to leave the house in white pants

like it's gonna be a great day.

There's gonna be no puddles or pizza, nothing.

I could never wear white pants

because I'll get my period, first of all. I know that.

Or diarrhea, more likely.

Which is -- That's really my period. Diarrhea.

About once a month, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here we go."

"Better just get home.

And don't make any big decisions today."

It's true. Don't make --

You know, if you have diarrhea, don't, like, negotiate.

It's a bad bargaining position.

If I have diarrhea, you stand between me and the toilet,

I'll sell you my house for 10 cents.

So that's one kind of confidence.

Here's another kind -- moral confidence.

Moral confidence. That means knowing that you would

do the right thing,

knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong.

Moral confidence.

You can have that in your daily life

because a lot of your days are the same.

But what if you were in another time?

Like, I would love to believe,

I feel confident that I would not have had slaves.

I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it.

I wouldn't have had any.

Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia

and all my neighbors had slaves,

I would have been like, "You guys are dicks."

I can say that.

But it's easy to say that now because you can't get no slaves.

You just can't -- You can't get any.

That's why you don't have slaves.

It's not because you're better than back-then people.

It's because they're not available.

That's a huge contributing factor.

It's not a decision you need

to make every day, like you're carrying your groceries.

"Ah, fuck. Maybe I should -- No, no, I better not.

But, geez, it would be easier."

Because they're not there.

It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot.

I mean, they kind of do, but, yeah...

...there are some forms

of kind of slavery.

You can get a Russian woman

to do whatever you want because her family's hostage.

That's one of them.

But that's still temporary.

I mean, you could -- You could adopt, like,

a 12-year-old from Bangladesh and...

I mean, really. He'll move into your house

and do your laundry and suck your dick, whatever you want.

But even he gets to leave when he's 18.

Although who wants them when they're that old?

I'm just saying. Excuse me.

I'm just saying...

...that slavery gets rebranded,

but it doesn't really ever totally go away.

I mean, it's been part of human history going way back,

way back, slavery.

Even the earliest civilizations in Mesopotamia...

I don't know. I didn't go to college.

I don't know anything.

But the earliest images of human life

already had the guys going, "Uhh!"

and the guy going, "Ahh!

"

How early did we come up with this?

Like, from the beginning of human existence,

we evolved, you know, through ideas.

We were a scared, naked ape, and then we were like,

"Make a fire. That's a good idea.

Kill an animal and take his fur.

That's a good idea.

Plant things and then wait.

That's a good idea."

But really quickly we came up with,

"Just make them fucking do it. I'm not doing anything.

I'm doing nothing. Make them fucking do it."

That was, like, our third thing we did on Earth.

So, you can have confidence,

but you got to be a little, you know.

I mean, there's things that people did in history that I

wouldn't have done for sure.

Like, I wouldn't have made an Auschwitz.

I wouldn't have done that.

What am I gonna do with an Auschwitz?

Yeah, Auschwitz is not one of those where you're like,

"It was the times, you know?" It was...

It was a horrible thing.

Obviously, Auschwitz -- horrible.

They killed people. They killed children.

They killed little children in Auschwitz

who could have grown up and moved to Brooklyn