Family Guy

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Please don't adjust your sets.

I've been sneezing all over the camera.

That's right. The flu epidemic

has officially hit quahog.

So, for the rest of tonight's broadcast,

my mommy will be spoon-feeding me chicken soup.

- Mommy. - Tommy.

Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze home from school.

You want to see it?

Ah-ah...

No...!

Choo!

Damn it, who's secretly an x-man?

You know, I'm actually starting to not feel well.

Oh, boy.

Guess we better line it up for butt temps.

I'll go first and third.

Peter, you look okay. Would you mind going out

and grabbing some medicine?

Okay, but if I get a dui, it's your fault.

You're drunk?

It's after dinner!

Where is everybody?

Hmm.

Damn it, I give up.

Paula Cole!

Oh, I hate her. I should've known that.

Two outs, bottom of the ninth,

man on second, Red Sox down by a run.

Peter Griffin down to his last strike.

Here comes the pitch.

Strike three, and he knew it.

Didn't even get the bat off his shoulder.

Griffin will almost certainly be sent down to triple-a pawtucket.

Strike three, and he knew it.

Griffin will almost certainly be sent to double-a Bristol.

Strike three, and he knew it.

Griffin will certainly be sent to the dirt field

where they filmed the sandlot.

Strike three, and he knew it.

Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time to try a different sport.

Five seconds left, celtics down by one.

Griffin with a clear line to the basket.

Off his foot and out of bounds!

Stay.

Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.

So, I ran some tests and it's official:

You all have the flu.

But luckily you got here in time.

Doc, this is very important.

How long before she can make dinner again?

I only know how to make eggs.

Oh, don't worry. Everyone should make a full recovery

in a couple of days.

Okay, good. I can egg my way through that.

I actually wanted to talk to you, Peter.

It's very rare that someone would be around

so many infected people and not get sick themselves.

So I went ahead and tested you

and I found something very interesting.

Sadie, quiet. I'm right here.

Rescues. Not worth it.

Peter, you appear to have a very strong immune system.

Kegels.

- What? - I don't know.

Anyway, this flu season has decimated the hospital,

and we're severely short-staffed.

How would you like to be a male nurse?

Do I get to wear those green pajama clothes all day?

- Yes. - I'll do it!

Wow. I've never helped anyone before.

Well, except for that time I picked the last piece of bread.

Whoa. You picked me.

I've been skipped and flipped

and reached over so many times,

I wasn't sure I'd ever get out.

So, what are you gonna put on me?

Jelly? Cream cheese?

Maybe some nut butters?

Actually, I'm just using you to squish a spider.

Aw.

Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

You know, last week's flu scare got me thinking.

I don't know anything about my genetic makeup

or... what other illnesses I might be susceptible to.

You know who'd love this story? Chris.

So, it made me want to do a 23andme genetic test.

- Chris! - It says I'm predisposed

to like caffeine.

So true, so true.

I can't even function without my caff.

I get all grr.

How many more of these are there?

Whew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene.

That's good.

And it says I don't have the Alzheimer's gene,

so that's good.

Hmm.

Wait, what was that?

It was nothing.

Oh, my god. Brian.

You're one percent cat!

And part black.

- What?! - Whoa!

I was just kidding about the black thing.

That was a test and you...

Morning, family.

I need breakfast stat.

Are you excited for your first day as a nurse, dad?

I am. Thanks, mug.

Meg.

M-Mug...

So, how's this gonna work, dad?

You don't know anything about medicine.

Oh, there's a lot more to being a nurse

than medical mumbo jumbo.

For example, what's the next holiday?

Memorial Day.

- The next one. - Fourth of July.

- Say "Christmas." - Christmas.

Eh?

That's good nursing.

Yeah, I agree with Chris.

I don't think you have the makeup to be a nurse.

- You're impatient... - Are you done?

And you faint when you see blood.

I got over that. Pass the ketchup.

"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch, stewie.

No one in this house is gonna need a fainting couch, stewie."

Hey, stewie.

What was that?

Was that a cat stretch?

Oh, my god, is that what that looks like?

I mean, you said it.

I guess that DNA report was right on the money.

Nature over nurture.

What are you... Are you purring?

Do you really think you're a cat?

Yeah. No, I... I don't know.

Okay? I-I just feel different.

I don't care what that report said.

You're not a cat.

You're what's called a pretentious absorber.

What's that?

You remember how Madonna lived in London

for, like, a month and then started talking

with a British accent?

It's that.

If I weren't a cat,

would I be obsessed with this scratch post?

That's not a scratch post.

That's Meg's leg.

Don't stop.

Peter, welcome to your first day.

Doc, this may sound silly, but...

What do I do?

As a nurse, it's important to know

how every department in a hospital works.

So today I need you to observe surgery.

Peter: Boo!

Boo! My sister can attach ventricles better than you!

He's not Jewish!

Come on, everybody!

He's not Jewish!

Peter? What are you doing here?

I'm your nurse.

So, what brings you in today, Mr...

- Quagmire? - Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable

sharing my health problems with one of my buddies.

Can I get a different nurse?

You're in a hospital, Glenn.

Anything you say is private and confidential

- and legally protected by hipaa... - Don't say it.

Potamus.

What's said here stays here.

So, what's your problem?

Okay. So, I was at home watching Mrs. Fletcher.

- Mm-hmm. - It's a pretty sexually driven show,

- and it kinda gets me going. - Right, right.

So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to...

- You know. - Sure.

And I don't have a prayer of finishing

...a few notches,

- like, weird notches. - Uh-huh.

So I look over at my side table and I see the apple TV remote -

- And I think, "well, that could work." - Right.

Before I know it, I've got six apple TV remotes

- taped together and my foot behind my head. - Got it.

And just as I get everything... You know...