Mythic Quest

Pootie Shoe News Dump.

Cuties, dudies, this is Pootie.

I know you're wondering

why I have not been streaming Mythic Quest today.

Before we get into it, I just want to say that

I've been playing this game since I was a kid,

and it's really always going to occupy

a very special place inside my heart.

That said, Mythic Quest just isn't showing me the love anymore,

so I think it's time for a change.

- Oh, jeez. Oh, crackers. - As sad as it is for me to say this...

I will no longer be streaming Mythic Quest... ever again.

Now, fear not, Pootie Nation, I do have something new in the works.

Something new and fresh.

I hope you guys are gonna take that journey with me.

Pootie out!

Oh, fuck.

I cannot believe I'm doing this.

You're looking at this wrong.

Pootie drove a ton of traffic, but we had no control over him.

If we get the right streamer to play MQ,

then we're in charge of the messenger and the message.

And all we have to do is debase ourselves to children?

- It's a brave new world, my friend. - Yeah, I guess so.

Oh. There are still some diehards out there

who play for the right reasons.

Look at this, the Masked Man!

Hello, little boy. I love your costume.

Hi.

I'm not a little boy.

I'm... I'm... Hold on.

- Poppy. - No. Hold on.

I'm doing a... a big reveal.

Okay, can someone, um... There's like a little... a clippy thing.

- Yeah. - Can you just... Oh, my God.

- Okay, get it off. Can you get it off? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm really claustrophobic! Is it on the right side?

Pop, relax! Just relax!

- Get the clip off! - We got you. Take a breath.

- Ha-ha! - Hey!

- What are you doing? - Sorry to crash your little boys' club,

but, um, I'm a department head

and I should be included in big decisions like this.

Ah, come on. Navigating different personalities,

making gut-check calls about people...

I don't know if those instincts are part of your skill set, Pop.

I have great instincts.

Right, like wearing full cosplay to a not-cosplay event.

And what's with the tester?

You're bringing the whole company? Guys, we look desperate.

I brought Dana because she gets it.

She's young, she's a woman in gaming,

and, unlike you, I actually value the voice of...

Poppy needed a ride, right?

Yeah. I tried to warn her

about the cosplay thing, but then she yelled at me.

Okay, that is enough of your voice, Dana!

Go... explore.

Okay. Bye.

- Bye, Dana. - Bye, Dana.

Have fun.

Mmm. Ian's gone, so it is officially "D-Day."

David Day.

Today, we can do whatever we want, Jo.

Yeah, when the bosses are away,

the little mouse will play.

Aren't you the boss?

Well, yeah, yeah, but, you know.

Do you call yourself "a little mouse"?

Sometimes. Someone has to be the mouse,

otherwise the expression doesn't...

You know what, Jo?

One of the things I don't wanna have to do today

is explain myself to you. Okay?

David, do you think maybe I'd be more useful

assisting Ian at the StreamerCon?

If I leave now, I could probably beat traffic.

Jo. Jo. Okay.

Let's just clear this up once and for all. You're my assistant.

You live to serve only me and my every whim.

You will speak when spoken to. And...

- Yeah? - Hey, David, man,

there's a bunch of girls out front here from Girls Can Code.

They say they're scheduled for a tour?

Oh, shit, is that today?

- Not just your average... - That one.

Hey, look at this.

Where my ladies at?

- Hi! How you doing? - Hello. Come on over.

My name is David Brittlesbee.

- Hi, Mr. Brittlesbee. - I'm executive producer.

Let me just say, I am so excited that you girls are all here.

You know, and you picked the right gaming company because,

let me tell you something, we value women here at Mythic Quest.

In fact, our head programmer is a woman. Poppy Li.

And she is in charge of programming the entire game.

Cool!

Yeah. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,

you're gonna have to work pretty hard to get where she's at

if you wanna be where she's at.

But, uh, I'll let her tell you all about that.

- Who wants to see a woman who can code? - Me!

Who wants to see the best engineer you could ever find?

Yeah!

- Okay, then let's go meet Poppy! - She's not here.

- Oh. - What?

She's not here. She went to StreamerCon.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I only speak when spoken to, sir.

Are there any other female coders we can meet?

Yes. Obviously. Yes.

Uh, we have plenty of women who work here in various positions.

Um...

No. Not in this room. Uh, but in other rooms.

Uh, because we are filled with women.

Jo! Jo's a woman.

- Right? Jo? - Yeah.

So why don't you tell the girls what you do?

Sure. I live only to serve a man, and that man is David.

Okay. She's normally not like this, okay?

Yeah, she usually won't listen to a word I say.

But she's only acting like that due to disciplinary action

resulting from weeks of insubordination, so...

Huh?

You know what? It doesn't matter. Yeah.

Uh, Poppy will return.

In the meantime,

- let's go meet some ladies! - Yes!

Come on. Again, not in this room. We're gonna skip on past this one.

Yo. What's up, C.W.?

Apologies. I was lost in my ennui.

Ian's absence leaves me wandering the halls, feeling a bit unmoored.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. - I've never been in here.

We work at the same place,

yet we exist in two completely different worlds.

Not surprising, I suppose.

I'm old, you're young. I'm a man, you're a boy.

What? I'm a woman.

Are you? Huh.

- I'll take your word for it. - Thanks.

So, um, what do you do, exactly?

- For real, dude? - Mm-hmm.

I test the game for bugs and shit

so that when people like you play, it actually works.

- Oh, I've never played. - Wait, you've never played the game?

I deal in story and emotion, not games.

Dude, when a game is as good as this one,

playing it is just as emotional an experience as some story.

You can't tell me that gameplay

has more emotional resonance than a good cutscene.

Cutscenes are boring, man. I... I skip them.

Oh, no. No, no!

Let me show you the power of a story, my dear boy.

Uh... girl.

Okay, fine. But first, I'm gonna show you

the power of the game, old man.

Grab a controller.

Wow. Okay, that's a mouse.

So we're just gonna start from the beginning.

So now I just frag the battle cruiser.

Eh, mission cleared. That's so sick.

This campaign has everything that I love about Cold Alliance 2.

It's got killer missions, snap-tight controls,

and the sickest graphics of any MMORPG out there.

He's already playing our rival game?

I guess the piece of shit floated downstream.

And I know I just started playing,

but so far I'm inclined to give this game four and a half B-holes.

What?

He shot them straight up to four and a half?

And a half?

That doesn't make any sense! What's a half a butthole?

- And then why not just give ten, right? - I don't know.

- Why not give 20? - Yeah.

A million buttholes! A million buttholes for all!

Nah, it's just business. They clearly made him a great offer.

I can't believe that companies

are straight-up paying kids these days.

Like, why aren't gamers losing their shit?

Okay, come on. Don't be naive. All right?

Even fans know streamers make these arrangements.

And make no mistake about it,

we're gonna have to pony up too if we want quality.

What exactly passes for quality here?

Give it up for LOL_Trevor!

You guys wanna see a little bit of fire?

Yeah! All right.

LOL!

I love you, guys. Thank you so much.

Remember, guys, laugh out loud, live out loud...

love out loud.

LOL!

Yeah! All right!

See you, guys! All right! Thank you! Peace!

Whoo!

- What a fucking douchebag. - Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

It's LOL_Trevor though. He's got a rock-solid fan base.

I mean, he's almost sickeningly positive. And he's cute as hell.

Okay, I'll handle the negotiation.