The Simpsons

Can't let you do it.

Can't let you break my record.

LENNY, CARL AND BARNEY: 27... 28...

Okay, Homer, this is the last pickled egg.

Keep it down and you win 50 bucks.

Okay. If I win, we're going out for omelets.

Yeah! I am the champion of this very bad idea.

Uh-oh.

He's gonna blow.

Hey, Moe, you're not gonna serve those eggs, are you?

No, no. I, uh, I find another use for them.

Hmm.

I was 50 bucks up until I blew every egg out of my belly.

Oh!

Whoa! Hey, there, pal.

I'm afraid that was the mayor's favorite light pole.

You give me the car,

I give you 500 bucks and I make all of this go away.

Uh, this is awkward.

You don't have to thank me.

Ugh!

Marge.

When you start a sentence with "Marge,"

it's really bad.

Marge, Marge, Marge.

I sold our car.

- What are you gonna drive? - Your car.

Oh. Well, then I guess I'll be riding the bus.

That's right. Like rock stars and Rosa Parks.

Now just wait till you see what's become of our car.

Feast your eyes on this.

Why are you showing me this?

I don't get it.

And I'm crying.

Lousy wrong channel.

The Legends of Demolition Derby-Derby-Derby

are coming to Springfield- Springfield-Springfield!

So shut up!

And get your ass-ass-ass

over-over-over here-here-here!

Proceeds go

to stuttering-stuttering-stuttering.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

We've got all the Demolition Derby greats!

Vince "Dead Tooth" McGee!

James "Psychiatric Disorder" Porter.

"Meth" MacFarland.

Mysterious Fandango

and a very drunk Billy Joel.

I'm sorry, but most of these names mean nothing to me.

Here it comes!

And making his triumphant return

to the Crash Zone after a full skull transplant,

Gene "No Helmet" Dupree!

Eh? My car in a demolition derby!

And we got primo tickets for Saturday night.

Look at them fan.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is the point where Lisa always ruins it.

No, I'm good with it.

People get out their aggression

and destroy carbon-burning cars.

See? Ruined it.

And then I noticed

there wasn't any more cinnamon on top of my rice pudding.

And I said, "Where's the cinnamon?"

And they said, "There never was any cinnamon, Abe."

Fine, Dad, we'll get you some cinnamon!

I can't tolerate cinnamon!

So, I started asking everyone in the TV room

if they remembered the cinnamon

and the answer will surprise you.

The results were incon...

When did you get that put in?

Worth every penny.

But how many pennies is that?

Homer Simpson, you can't just...

Hmm.

All right, young'uns.

You know that movie Cars that you likes?

Uh-huh.

Well, all your favorite characters

is gonna commit suicide here today.

- Huh? - What?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please silence all cell phones

and holster all truck nuts.

And now, in conformance with the latest paleontological theories

about dinosaurs, please welcome the all-new Truckasaurus Two.

I love you, Steven Spielberg.

Now, a brief moment in memory

of those we lost in the past week.

And now...

let the bash-'em-ups begin!

If I get hit by a brain, can I keep it?

Be sure to get it signed afterwards.

There's our car!

Wow. Without Dad's weight in it, it really moves.

Oh, my God, this is it.

Only one car stands in our way.

It's down to Homer's Boner

and Car-rak Obama, the Affordable Healthcare Mobile,

which you can't kill no matter how hard you try.

My whole life has been leading to this one moment.

Oh! My chest hurts!

That's called pride.

My arm is numb!

Numb with pride.

Son, I need to go to the hospital.

Huh?

Sure, Dad.

I missed it.

Can you see the pain you're causing him?

Go on, git!

I'm sorry to say it, uh, doesn't look good.

Homer, your father would like to see you, uh, one last time.

I hope you've got a return receipt on that balloon.

I always do.

Homer, there's something I need to tell you.

I'll give you two a moment in this, uh, semiprivate room.

Where is the nurse with my...

Son, I did a terrible thing many years ago

and I need you to forgive me before...

before it's too late.

Anything, Dad.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You already said that part.

Remember, you can't tell anyone.

It's awful!

I swear. Now get to the point.

You didn't!

Okay.

I forgive you.

Your conscience is the one clean thing in this room.

Well, we tried everything we could...

and the last thing worked.

How did you save him?

When a body is in too much pain,

the brain releases a hormone to bring a merciful death.

But an expensive new drug blocks that and keeps him alive.

What a glorious day!

I'm gonna live

and my son has forgiven me for the worst thing I ever did.

Yes. Forgiven.

Sir, you just destroyed a box of hospital cotton balls.

- That's $75,000. - D'oh!

Now I want to watch my favorite new show,

currently in its 17th season.

It looks like another murder at Jackson Island Naval Base.

That's what makes America great.

Prompt investigation of in-house naval crimes.

Homie, look who's here.

Yeah, I see.

Oh, Homer, are you a Sunday puzzle?

'Cause you sure seem down and a'cross.

My dad did something to me I can never forgive.

No worse than what God did to his son

and they wrote a book together.

Bye.

He tricked me with his code blue and his flatlining.

And I fell for it like a sap.

What did he do?

I promised him not to say what he told me,

but I will never look at him the same way again.

Yeah, but you forgave me, so that means you have to love me.

Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah.

Marjorie, I'm sorry,

but I do not want to be in the same room with this man.

I'm going to Moe's.

Then I'm going to Moe's!

Then I'm staying here.

A gun and a sailor hat.

Nothing screams naval crime more than that.

I'm going to Moe's.

I hate seeing a father and a son

sit at opposite ends of the bar

'cause it means I got to walk more.

Now come on, youse guys. Bury the ol' hatchet.

Hey, life is short.

You could be killed by a drunk driver,

die of cirrhosis, stabbed in a bar fight.

All kinds of random bad things happen to my customers.

All right, look, here's 50 cents, huh?

Play the jukebox and the love tester.

You heard Ray Charles.

Actually, in my jukebox, we can't afford no Ray Charles.

It's a white guy named, uh, Charles Ray.